Assertiveness

Ever been accused of being aggressive when you thought you were simply being assertive?

This is actually quite common because usually it takes so much effort for unassertive people to stand up for themselves that their behaviour can often look more aggressive than intended.

Here’s what happens. Let’s say that in your day-to-day life you don’t feel very assertive. People take advantage of you; you are easily intimidated some of the time; you give in too easily; you accommodate other people’s wishes often above your own.

A lot of the time you’ll rehearse in your head things you could say to stop these things from happening. The problem is, you don’t. What then happens is that all those little upsets begin to grow into one big one. It gets bigger and bigger every time you don’t stand up for yourself and you feel you ought to.

Finally, one day you’ve had enough! The next time someone says something to you, expects you to stay late to finish up a report, drive the kids to school, or any number of little inconveniences, you’re going to do it, you’re going to say something. You plan the conversation in your head; you know exactly what you’re going to say and even what they are going to say.

But this takes courage!

So you steel yourself for this encounter. By the time it comes around you’ve probably worked yourself into quite a lather, at least internally. When the moment comes this is what often happens: you’re taken by surprise even though you were expecting it, and worst of all, all the words you had rehearsed go completely out of your head.

But in order to save the day you decide to go for it anyway. And blast the bad guy away with both barrels. Suddenly, your usual mild-mannered approach has turned into a full-scale attack. Not only that, you may be so horrified by what you have done that you either can’t stop and keep on going, making things even worse, or you scurry away full of apologies and look for a corner in which to lick your wounds.

This is why you may seem aggressive when aggression is the last thing on your mind

And this is why assertiveness can sometimes get a bad reputation. If other people experience you as very accommodating and perhaps even a bit of a pushover, when you push back and it gets out of hand, people don’t usually react very positively.

For assertiveness to work, it should be pretty much invisible, with not a double-barreled shotgun in sight.

When you start thinking about becoming more assertive, you need to start with small, incremental changes rather than imagining you are going to turn into this super-confident, quick-thinking and speaking person overnight.

One problem here is that we see someone else handling all these things really well, and we think, “I wish I could be like that.” Personalities don’t change that quickly, and besides, you are you with all your own unique qualities and abilities. What’s important is to find the small things that would help you become more assertive, instead of trying to do it all in one fell, and ultimately, aggressive swoop.



http://www.google.com

Being assertive is good. It allows you to get your point across in a way that

is better remembered by the other party because of the intensity of the

emotion that is associated with it. However, assertiveness can also be a

pitfall when overdone. While it can seal deals, it also has the power to

destroy relationships and potential business opportunities. How, then, can

you assert yourself without being too pushy or annoying?

Here are some tips you might want to keep in mind the next time you try to

calmly convince someone to see your side of the story.

Don’t Bulldoze Your Listener

What is bulldozing? In sales, it is referred to as the act of drowning the

prospective clients in figures and facts in order to confuse them to eventual

submission. Keep in mind that the only way the other party will accept your

idea is when they have decided that they want it. People who have given in

to your bulldozing will do so only at first, but will eventually try to get out of

the situation, be it after a few minutes or after a few days. You must be able

to know how to read body language in order to decipher if a certain action is

appropriate for the situation.

Nevertheless, if you want to be an effective and truly successful persuader,

you want others to willingly agree with you, not because you almost forced

them unwillingly to do something or left them with no other choice. If you

are at a debate, this is fine. You are trained to tear the other person’s

statements apart. However, in a normal conversation, this is a major blunder.

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still,” as the saying

goes. This means that while you may have succeeded in getting others

person to give their agreement forcibly, they will still maintain their original

ideas. If you try to make them cooperate with you thereafter, expect that it

is going to be difficult.

What should you do then? Try to make your idea attractive to the other

party so that they would be more willing to submit to it. You can do so by

first acknowledging the merits of their points and then outlining your merits.

Do not make a comparison that is based on just the negative aspects. You

will appear to be discrediting the other person; this is not good.

Be Patient And Try To Avoid Clashes

The professional persuader is never overeager; he always moves steadily

and carefully towards his goal, and avoids getting into situations that would

result in idea collisions. He is sensitive enough to watch out for emotional or

psychological taboos and avoids them at all costs.

How can you do this? First, do not take sides. Try to be open to all ideas that

are placed on the table and consider each one’s merits meticulously before

you move on to pursuing your selection. Actually, you don’t really need to

focus on one concept alone. When you study everything that’s suggested,

you will find that you can make appropriate changes and combine all their

positive aspects to arrive at something that is agreeable to everyone

involved.

The key to being effectively assertive is to keep an open mind. If you simply

stick to what is in your head and work endlessly at seeing it through in

100% state to the end, do not expect to enjoy the ride. You will lose

friendships, you will lose confidence, and you will lose the drive, eventually.

Assertiveness is good when used the right way, which is the professional and

balanced way. If you try to use your assertive skills to force people to your

side, there is no way you will truly succeed.



http://www.google.com

We can define assertiveness by placing it on a continuum between passiveness and aggression and making a contrast with them.   Assertive behaviours reflect the sense of personal worth that the individual has for himself and for the other person.  When we are Assertive we are honouring and reflecting our core values in whatever situation we find ourselves.  We stand up of these values and defend them in a manner which is inarguable. 

Looking at the differences in behaviours and attitudes shows some very obvious differences.

Passive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in a passive or submissive manner are demonstrating a lack of respect for their own values, needs and rights.

Many passive people do not express their honest feelings, needs, values and concerns. They allow others to dictate to them, denying their rights and ignoring their needs.

The body language of the passive person is bowed and bent, submissive and non threatening.

Their speech is peppered with “Sorrys”

Aggressive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in an aggressive manner express their feelings, needs and ideas at the expense of others. They need to win arguments. They tend to overpower other people.

The body language of the Aggressive person is threatening , finger pointing, stand over.

Their speech can be loud abusive, rude and sarcastic

Assertive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in an assertive manner use methods of communication which enable them to maintain self-respect and gain satisfaction of needs without abusing or dominating others.  They stand up for their rights and express personal needs, values and concerns in direct and appropriate ways.

The language of the assertive person is riddled with “I talk” 

Eg “I hear what you say and I believe that…..”

“I recognise that you are upset, what do you need to have happen…?”

“I feel that the time is right to make this change”

“I am confident that when we have covered of the agenda items we will have an agreement”

The Aggressive style gets results in the short term, and breeds an atmosphere of “submission under duress”. In leadership styles this styles certainly has an impact , often delivering above budget results and leaving a beaten and demoralised staff behind to be inherited by the nest leader.

The cost to an organisation of this leadership stye is usually not felt whilst the leaders is in position, except perhaps in staff turnover statistics, it is usually felt in subsequent years, after the person has moved on.



http://www.google.com

No matter what type of business we are involved in, our success is in part determined by how well we deal with people. We need to present ourselves as confident, decisive and assertive.

LET’S NOT OVERDO IT

Sometimes, however, our efforts to show our assertiveness cross the line. We end up coming across as rude, aggressive or downright belligerent.

Let’s clarify the major distinctions.

ASSERTIVENESS VS. AGGRESSIVENESS

In any situation where your rights or space are being violated, there are generally three options available to you. You can:

1) Be submissive, say nothing, and fume in silence.

2) Be aggressive and hostile, which will probably just fuel the fire.

3) Calmly and politely assert your interests.

Sometimes when we feel compelled to speak up, we can easily lose sight of the fact that we just want to stop the offensive behavior, period. We do not need to humiliate the other person, nor do we need to humiliate ourselves by overreacting.

This person may not even be aware of any wrongdoing. In any event, explosive, self-righteous behavior is never a good first line of defense.

CONFIDENT PEOPLE HAVE NO NEED OR DESIRE TO BELITTLE OTHERs

Assertiveness does not seek to humiliate or purposely embarrass anyone. The other party may well end up feeling a little embarrassed, but it won’t be laced with anger at you. It’s amazing how cooperative people can become when treated with respect. And it is equally amazing how swiftly and surely they will become uncooperative if they are being attacked in any way, even with a subtle gesture or an exasperated tone of voice.

HUMANS ALWAYS RESPOND MORE FAVORABLY TO KINDNESS

There’s an old saying, maybe a little corny, but it still holds true: “You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.”

This bit of common knowledge may not be as common as we think. Next time a situation arises, remember that you can choose to assert your interests calmly and politely without becoming angry or abusive.

Your kindness will likely be returned, and even if it’s not, your own sense of personal mastery and self-esteem will rise a notch.

You’ll find such good feelings to be habit-forming. Now there’s a habit worth having.



http://www.google.com

‘The most destructive element in human mind is fear.

Fear creates aggressiveness’

- Dorothy Simpson

Have you ever, if at all, tried to observe if you are an aggressive or assertive person? Despite the fact that man is naturally endowed with all it takes (and more) to undertake a self appraisal in order to make our individual and collective lives better, hardly do we consciously do this. Assertiveness is one of the basic features of leadership yet a lot of people in leadership positions are aggressive either deliberately or not. Do not get me wrong. You do not have to be at the helm of affairs in one big office to be a leader, but you are always at the helm of your own affairs and no one can take that away. So you too are a leader! Besides, it is natural that we find ourselves leading others at some point or the other. However, whether as a leader or follower, we all relate with others everyday.

In a world where might is right, it may seem appropriate to be aggressive in order to have our ways, but it is not always like that. Some managers, in a bid to assert authority, only succeed in intimidating subordinates, who in an attempt to repel the threat or seeming oppression, end up exhibiting unruly and unbecoming behaviours. But must we continue in such manner that neither gives us the desired peace of mind nor self respect, and infact shuts the door on real and sincere friendship and loyalty? No. This is especially so when there are simpler and better ways of doing these things. And who says adults cannot learn and change their ways? I am confident you will agree with me that every adult knows the difference and is sufficiently equipped to choose that which is right – being assertive.

Assertiveness is simply the ability to express yourself within the limits of your natural rights. Aggressiveness on the other hand, refers to a mode of communication and behavior where one expresses his feelings, needs, and rights without regard or respect for the needs and feelings of others. In some extreme situations, emotional or physical force is applied such that the rights of others do not see the light of day at all. This happens in our homes, between couples, in offices and even among friends. With an aggressive behaviour, the dignity of the other person tends to be trampled upon, distance is created, communication is hampered and relationships suffer. Having injured the ego of the other party, aggressive individuals experience a higher level of stress and this takes away the joy from their seeming triumph. Aggressiveness is an often regretted emotional outburst – only a little better than a physical illness. This is because aggressive individuals suffer a false sense of self righteousness, and a feeling so transient that such people after thinking through usually feel guilty. They thereafter burn inside and out of pride find no one to share the hurt with. This disposition pushes others away, causes them to lose respect for you and in some cases become angry, unfriendly and vengeful. It is possible to be aggressive without realizing it, especially when one is threatened. However, with a conscious effort at deep awareness, it is possible to always be in control of your reaction to any kind of stimuli.

Being assertive, according to Wellness Workbook ( Ryan and Travis), “basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other”. It enables you to put your cards on the table without either hurting the ego of the other party or destroying the chances of future relationships. It earns you a sense of ease; you feel good about yourself, gain more self confidence and even the respect of your colleagues and friends. Being assertive keeps you emotionally balanced such that improves your decision making ability and possibly your chances of getting what you want from life. The learned will agree with me that aggressiveness is caused by some kind of fear; that which comes from ignorance about self and one’s environment, and induces self doubt and lack of confidence. From the understanding of self comes a better appreciation of your world and that around you. It also allows you to be in harmony with yourself and your environment, and rewards you with a sense of security such that you are immunized from feeling threatened in any situation, hence no reason to be aggressive. This self knowledge comes from ‘Emotional Intelligence’.

The concept of Emotional Intelligence is the result of various studies on the role of non cognitive factors in helping people to succeed at work and in life generally. Revolving around the importance of social and emotional abilities for personal success, it is defined as “a form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and action ”(Salovey & Mayer). Emotional Intelligence deals with knowing when and how to express emotion as well as the ability to control it.  According to Salovey, there are five pillars of Emotional Intelligence. The first of these is Self Awareness by which it is meant recognizing a feeling as it happens. This ability is crucial to self understanding because the lack of it leaves one at the mercy of those feelings. Self knowledge provides the necessary tools to pilot one’s life more effectively. Management of Emotions comes next. This is the ability to control feelings and emotions such that response to stimuli at any point in time is appropriate. It relates to the ability to sooth oneself and overcome negative emotions. Its lack leads to feelings of distress and depression.

A good understanding and control of one’s feelings is a precursor for Self Motivation, which leads to self mastery and creativity. People who have this skill tend to be more highly productive and effective in whatever they undertake. Another pillar of emotional intelligence is the fundamental people skill – Empathy. Recognizing emotions in others attunes one to the subtle signals that indicate what others need or want. The last on the list is Relationship Management which in other words refers to managing emotions in others. This skill underpins popularity, leadership and interpersonal effectiveness. People who excel here are social stars.

LAST WORD

It is only expected that people will differ in their mastery of these principles but the brain is eternally pliable, always learning and growing. This means that shortcomings in emotional intelligence can always be improved and built upon. So which would you rather be? Aggressive or Assertive? Besides, studies have revealed that the most successful leaders in world history were warmer, more outgoing, emotionally expressive, dramatic and sociable. It surely pays to be assertive. So why not learn Emotional Intelligence now!

 

tundekamali.11.37/021007



http://www.google.com