Ever been accused of being aggressive when you thought you were simply being assertive?

This is actually quite common because usually it takes so much effort for unassertive people to stand up for themselves that their behaviour can often look more aggressive than intended.

Here’s what happens. Let’s say that in your day-to-day life you don’t feel very assertive. People take advantage of you; you are easily intimidated some of the time; you give in too easily; you accommodate other people’s wishes often above your own.

A lot of the time you’ll rehearse in your head things you could say to stop these things from happening. The problem is, you don’t. What then happens is that all those little upsets begin to grow into one big one. It gets bigger and bigger every time you don’t stand up for yourself and you feel you ought to.

Finally, one day you’ve had enough! The next time someone says something to you, expects you to stay late to finish up a report, drive the kids to school, or any number of little inconveniences, you’re going to do it, you’re going to say something. You plan the conversation in your head; you know exactly what you’re going to say and even what they are going to say.

But this takes courage!

So you steel yourself for this encounter. By the time it comes around you’ve probably worked yourself into quite a lather, at least internally. When the moment comes this is what often happens: you’re taken by surprise even though you were expecting it, and worst of all, all the words you had rehearsed go completely out of your head.

But in order to save the day you decide to go for it anyway. And blast the bad guy away with both barrels. Suddenly, your usual mild-mannered approach has turned into a full-scale attack. Not only that, you may be so horrified by what you have done that you either can’t stop and keep on going, making things even worse, or you scurry away full of apologies and look for a corner in which to lick your wounds.

This is why you may seem aggressive when aggression is the last thing on your mind

And this is why assertiveness can sometimes get a bad reputation. If other people experience you as very accommodating and perhaps even a bit of a pushover, when you push back and it gets out of hand, people don’t usually react very positively.

For assertiveness to work, it should be pretty much invisible, with not a double-barreled shotgun in sight.

When you start thinking about becoming more assertive, you need to start with small, incremental changes rather than imagining you are going to turn into this super-confident, quick-thinking and speaking person overnight.

One problem here is that we see someone else handling all these things really well, and we think, “I wish I could be like that.” Personalities don’t change that quickly, and besides, you are you with all your own unique qualities and abilities. What’s important is to find the small things that would help you become more assertive, instead of trying to do it all in one fell, and ultimately, aggressive swoop.



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We can define assertiveness by placing it on a continuum between passiveness and aggression and making a contrast with them.   Assertive behaviours reflect the sense of personal worth that the individual has for himself and for the other person.  When we are Assertive we are honouring and reflecting our core values in whatever situation we find ourselves.  We stand up of these values and defend them in a manner which is inarguable. 

Looking at the differences in behaviours and attitudes shows some very obvious differences.

Passive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in a passive or submissive manner are demonstrating a lack of respect for their own values, needs and rights.

Many passive people do not express their honest feelings, needs, values and concerns. They allow others to dictate to them, denying their rights and ignoring their needs.

The body language of the passive person is bowed and bent, submissive and non threatening.

Their speech is peppered with “Sorrys”

Aggressive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in an aggressive manner express their feelings, needs and ideas at the expense of others. They need to win arguments. They tend to overpower other people.

The body language of the Aggressive person is threatening , finger pointing, stand over.

Their speech can be loud abusive, rude and sarcastic

Assertive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in an assertive manner use methods of communication which enable them to maintain self-respect and gain satisfaction of needs without abusing or dominating others.  They stand up for their rights and express personal needs, values and concerns in direct and appropriate ways.

The language of the assertive person is riddled with “I talk” 

Eg “I hear what you say and I believe that…..”

“I recognise that you are upset, what do you need to have happen…?”

“I feel that the time is right to make this change”

“I am confident that when we have covered of the agenda items we will have an agreement”

The Aggressive style gets results in the short term, and breeds an atmosphere of “submission under duress”. In leadership styles this styles certainly has an impact , often delivering above budget results and leaving a beaten and demoralised staff behind to be inherited by the nest leader.

The cost to an organisation of this leadership stye is usually not felt whilst the leaders is in position, except perhaps in staff turnover statistics, it is usually felt in subsequent years, after the person has moved on.



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I had just received the third pink slip in two weeks from the lab that said my payment was passed due. Over three times I had called and my insurance company had assured me that the lab work was covered and that they would mail out a check that afternoon. This time, when I finally got a representative on the telephone, I was polite but firm. I said that I wanted the problem taken care of immediately, and I wrote down her name and the supervisor’s name. It was time to get even more assertive.

Has assertiveness gotten a bad rap, however, among the chronically ill? Is it assumed that we won’t have the energy or stamina to fight all of the battles that we will face? When we do talk to someone in customer service, we are rarely taken absolutely seriously. After all, isn’t it just the drugs that make us impatient and nit-picky about all of this insurance stuff? Has anyone ever brushed off your assertiveness simply by assuming, “She doesn’t have anything else to think about all day, so no wonder she’s upset!”? Or “She’s just taking her frustrations out on me because she has a chronic illness.”

When you imagine an assertive person, what comes to mind? Webster’s Dictionary says that assertiveness is “positive; affirming confidently; affirmative.” Too often we confuse assertiveness with aggression which is defined as “making assaults and unjustly attacking.” Most of us have had moments when we have slid into an aggressive mode, but assertiveness is based on one’s ability to confidently step forward. Rather than becoming aggressive, I believe that the chronically ill often become burnt out on fighting and we simply avoid any conflict. Who has the energy to fight for our rights? Next time a situation arises where you may need to be a bit assertive, here are some things in which to remember.

[1] I have the right to say no without feeling guilty.

For those of us with chronic illness, this is a big one! We must say, “no, thanks,” or “I’ll pass,” much more often than we would prefer. Even when we master the ability to say no, the guilt continues to sit with us for days. Let it go! You know your abilities and limitations and what is best for your own health and your family’s well being.

[2] I have the right to state my opinion, even if I change my mind.

Have you ever been on a jury and you had to state your decision up-front, but than as the deliberations continued, you changed your mind about the verdict? You have the right to say what you think, but it’s best to think before you speak. Is what you say going to hurt someone’s feelings? Are your comments going to help the situation?

[3] I have the right to take risks and try new things.

Just because you have a chronic condition doesn’t mean you have to eat at the same restaurant the rest of your life. Try new things! You may find a new hobby or a new activity that you are able to easily do, in which you would have never thought about. “When I started taking photos it was on one of those cardboard cameras,” says Darcie. “But then I found that I really loved it and I wasn’t half bad. So I bought a real camera. It’s been fun. I’ve had an excuse to go to events that I couldn’t participate in before, like boat races, because I am ‘the photographer.’”

[4] I have the right to be heard.

Whether you are having a conversation with a medical professional or your mother, you do have the right to be heard. Too many of us fall into the habit of talking all of the time, however, and forgetting that we also have the responsibility to listen. Know your boundaries and what you are willing to listen to and not. When a man approached me after a health fair and said, “I can cure you in 30 days,” I replied, “You have sixty seconds to tell me why I should talk with you further about your product.” I listened… and no, he didn’t convince me. He felt okay about it though, and I got out of an uncomfortable thirty-minute sales pitch.

So be assertive—practice in front of the mirror if you must. As you step out and share your opinion, it may feel awkward at first, but then you will gain more confidence and it will become simpler the next time the opportunity arises. Even studies have shown that assertive people are more likely to have personal and professional relationships that are based on honesty and mutual respect.



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Do you find it hard to put your foot down?

Are you unable to voice your opinion?

Do you feel your loved ones and friends sometimes treat you like a doormat?

Is it difficult for you to say “NO”?

Do you often find yourself going out of your way to oblige people, even when you don’t want to?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you are not being assertive enough. The problem is many people simply do not see “being assertive” as a positive trait. In fact being assertive is often confused with being aggressive. The truth is that aggression is a negative emotion which has its roots in anger, while being assertive is a positive emotion rooted in self-respect and self love.

Why should you be assertive?

Ask yourself do you feel happy with always letting others have their way with you? Do you never feel resentful? Do you feel loved and appreciated? Don’t you get irritated with yourself for not being able to say “NO” when you really want to? A person who’s not assertive may seem calm on the surface but has a simmering resentment brewing within him/her. There’s a hidden anger against oneself and others. Unassertive behavior is not only hazardous for an individual’s own health but also for his/her relationships.

Being assertive can make your life and relationships far more fulfilling. You’ll be able to speak your mind without waiting for others to read it. You will feel loved and appreciated and not used by others. You will be able to say “NO” when you want to, without feeling guilty about it. Being assertive will teach you to how to love yourself and be more loving towards others.

How to be more assertive?

Take conscious steps to be more assertive

If you’ve always been an unassertive person, you may have difficulty in figuring out the difference between assertion and aggression. You may not be able to understand which situations call for assertiveness. Therefore you will initially need to make conscious attempts to be assertive. You can ask yourself the following questions whenever you are confronted with a difficult situation

“Am I being unfair to myself?”

“Will saying yes make me feel angry, deflated or upset?”

“Is this person’s behavior hurting me?”

If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, you know the situation calls for assertiveness.

Positive Affirmations

You can’t change your attitude and natural reactions in a day. Your instinctive reactions depend on your beliefs and your beliefs are shaped by your experiences and cognitive conditioning. So if you have always been told that caring for others’ needs and wants is more important than what you want then that’s what you’ll end up believing. Since cognitive conditioning is only a set of patterned ideas and messages which are thrown at us repeatedly, it is possible to de-condition ourselves and learn new ideas and beliefs. Positive affirmations can be of help here.

Make up your own affirmations or repeat the following in front of a mirror everyday:

“I love and accept myself the way I am”

“I have the right to express my feelings”

“It’s easy for me to speak up for myself”

“I have the right not to take responsibility for others people’s actions and problems”

“It’s safe for me to say “NO” when I want to”

Repeat these affirmations as often as you can or follow a week by week program, in which you can focus on one affirmation per week. You can also write these affirmations down on a piece of paper and repeat them as often as you can.

Being assertive is not a selfish act but an act of self-love. Once you start being assertive you’ll notice a change in your personality and relationships. When you start expressing yourself openly, you start sharing your true self with your loved ones.

Want to learn more? Have a comment or situation you’d like to start? Continue your self-help coaching journey at Boomer Yearbook.

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