Assertiveness

It is tough having to deal with someone who abuses you. Moreover, it is more difficult to deal with, and manage a person, like a boss or supervisor, that has authoritative power over you. Someone that is in a position like your boss can trick you into a destructive way of behaving where you undermine your wellbeing from fear of repercussions when you address the issue.If the verbal and other forms of mental abuse begin to get really serious and even approach physical abuse, the issue can become a legal concern. I have heard that people are trying to pass legislation in an American state that disallows workplace abuse. However, unfortunately nearly all laws do not take into account verbal workplace conflict so you have got to learn how to handle bullies by yourself for your own happiness and wellbeing.Most people who lack the communication skills to deal with a bad boss either:

First Common Reaction: Endure the BullyingThis reaction to a bullying boss is a passive response. You forgo your own person needs while your boss tramples over you. The absolute last thing you want to do when being abused by anyone is accept the abuse.You must address the issue in the correct manner otherwise your confidence, happiness, and in this situation, your work will suffer. People who receive aggressive behavior that is not correctly handled have been known to develop serious health problems such as strokes, heart attacks, suicide, migraines, escalated stress levels, insomnia, and terrifying nightmares. One person who will remain anonymous often dreamed her boss pointing a gun at employees so they would complete their work.The most common reason for accepting intimidation from others is the fear of repercussions if you stick up for yourself. In a work situation, and especially with someone who has authoritative power, you probably do not defend yourself in fear of losing your job. This fear I believe is real because when most people stick up for themselves, they do so in an aggressive manner causing negative results (which you’ll soon see more about below).These passive people forgo their own needs and get dominated by others. They live in massive amounts of frustration as their anger is bottled inside of themselves. They do not have the effective communication skills to address the problem as they think they must accept what happens and live with the intimidation hoping the abusive person stops bullying. The end result is a win for the bully and a loss for the passive person.Second Common Reaction: Bully the BullyThe second common reaction to facing a bully is aggression. People who respond aggressively are willing to defend themselves and usually have more confidence than those who respond passively. They often see that in order to get what they want, they must retaliate. It becomes fire against fire. A fight starts as the two individuals take to a verbal boxing ring mentally beating out each other’s minds.People may become aggressive for several reasons:

While aggression in the workplace may create the necessary level of productivity, it is strongly related to a high turnover rate, said to be an average of 1.5 years, and other commitment problems. Employees fake sick days, become miserable, sabotage their own work, and lose passion for their work. It can create unproductive employees as they “hide” by staying under the radar, seeking to comply, while do nothing that stands out that could potentially bring them attention. The aggressive communication being exchanged between two people becomes a loss for both individuals.A Third Rare Action: Assertive Communication with the BossThe first common reaction was a passive response. The second common reaction was an aggressive response. There is a response between these two common reactions known as “assertiveness” which produces a win-win response. Assertiveness is the secret you need to face an abusive boss.Depending on the situation, occasional aggressive behavior can be definitely welcomed. In order for the aggressive behavior to be successful it must be expressed appropriately and constructively. You could even say this constructive type of aggression is like assertive communication because the end-result is a win for each party.Where passive communication fails to respect yourself and aggressive communication fails to respect the other person, assertive communication respects both individuals. There are several assertive communication techniques you can use to stop the bullying, stop your fear, build your self-confidence, and create a nice working relationship with your boss. This is the power of assertive skills. Below I’ll share some techniques with you that are useful for the specific situation of facing an aggressive boss.

Human behavior is very complex. No two people react in the same manner in the same situation. However, it is broadly stated that there are three types of behavioral attributes: passive, aggressive and assertive. Let’s take a situation where you are waiting for your turn in line at the billing counter in a mall. The clerk is just about to finish with the customer in front of you when a man comes by and edges in. The clerk asks, ` Who’s next?’ and the man says` I am’

There are three possible behavioral outcomes of this situation:

1. You say nothing, wait for your turn and sulk all the day long.

2. You shout at both the pushy man and the clerk.

3. You simply say, ` Sorry I was next’ and get your work done by the clerk.

The first outcome shows a non-assertive/ passive behavior.

The second outcome shows an aggressive behavior.

The third outcome shows an assertive behavior.

The reasons behind non-assertive behavior are many; many a times we confuse the goal of being liked with the goal of being respected and in this need for being liked, we sacrifice our own self-respect. This non-assertive behavior begins at childhood when our parents hinder our assertion of self by censoring us when we speak for our rights. Religion fosters the idea of humility and sacrifice rather than standing up for self. Even as employees, we learn at the start of our career that if we speak, we are not likely to receive a raise or promotion.

Being assertive and speaking straight doesn’t mean being rude or aggressive. Aggressiveness is a behavior that includes hostile words and actions. On the other side, is passiveness, which is self-denying and restrained inhibited action. These two behavior types are at extreme ends and we must strike the right balance by practicing “assertiveness.”

Assertiveness is a behavior to speak and act, where people are able to express their opinions in their own best interest and stand up for themselves honestly without undue anxiety and feelings of guilt. Assertive persons will ask others for what they want or need and never demand. They consider the needs of others and respect the others’ rights.

Assertiveness involves the following:

? Calmly communicating without using harsh words or verbally attacking the other person

? Being clear about what you feel, what you need and how it can be achieved.

? Saying `yes’ or `no’ rather than agreeing to do something just to please someone else.

? Accepting a `no’ from someone else without taking this as an `end of the world’ reply.

? Being an optimistic, confident person who can take both positive and negative feedback with patience.

? Respecting the other person’s viewpoint.

Suppose at the time when you have lots of work to do, your friend/ colleague requests you to help him complete his project. In such a situation, you can politely decline by saying a firm` I wish I could but I am yet to complete my own work’. This will save you from sulking, fretting and getting stressed out. You don’t have to apologize unnecessarily for things you are not responsible for, like in the case just mentioned. However, if it is your responsibility, there’s nothing wrong with apologizing when something goes wrong. Negative remarks such as `I lack the experience so I make stupid mistakes’ should be replaced with “I’ve made a mistake, I won’t make that one again, because I’ve learned from that mistake.”

Assertive behavior fosters creation of goodwill and enhances self-esteem. As they say that behaviors do not exist in isolation, but interact with each other, forming patterns which we call the psychological organization. To achieve the state of the complete individual, we must realize that if we change one behavior, we change a whole series of related behaviors. Being assertive by nature will help you acquire new skills and change your actions, and by changing your feelings you are changing the entire pattern of your psychological organization.

The feeling of personal power is key in all interpersonal relationships. Many people are not very clear about what assertiveness is and how it differs from aggressiveness. One main difference is that aggressiveness is about power over other people, while assertiveness is about being able to assert our rights and stand up for our thoughts and feelings while respecting the rights, thoughts and feelings of others.Passive people habitually submit to other people’s dominance play, do not have clear boundaries, and are constantly being invaded by others. They tend to avoid conflict by not expressing their thoughts and feelings, avoid any sort of confrontations even when their basic rights are involved, which leaves them feeling – and being – victimized. At the same time, anger builds up in them, so when they do speak up, they tend to do it in an aggressive, attacking and blaming way rather than a constructive, solution-oriented,  assertive way. Aggressive people, on the other hand, attempt to impose their will on others, do not respect other people’s boundaries and are invasive and coercive. Aggressive people may get their way with some people at first, but in the long-run they alienate others, create a lot of stress in their social, family and work environment, experience a lot of failures in all interpersonal relationships and end up having no social support and feeling isolated and victimized themselves.Somewhere in the middle stands assertiveness which is a way of communicating and behaving that respects the rights of all relationship partners. Assertiveness requires honesty, directness, self-confidence, knowing what your rights are and being able to defend them in positive, constructive ways. Learning to act more assertively will increase your sense of efficacy, of having an impact on your environment, your chances of having honest, straight-forward relationships, your chances of getting your needs met, will improve your ability to make your own decisions and get more satisfaction out of life.Assertiveness is based on two important traits:  relatively good self-confidence and good communication skills.Self-confidence is built through our experience of effectiveness in the world. This effectiveness can be measured in many areas of experience, like academic or professional achievement, physical or athletic abilities, social and personal relationships, etc. Self-confidence is built from the inside out, meaning that we don’t expect others to provide us with self-confidence but we build it by giving ourselves credit for our strenghts, virtues  and accomplishments.Good communication skills involve being a good listener as well being a good speaker and being able to appraise a situation in a cool-headed, non-defensive or fearful manner . Assertive communicators have developed some specific skills for standing up and speaking up for themselves. They have fewer conflicts in their dealings with others, and their needs are more frequently met, so they feel happier and more in control of life situations. Most people desiring to become more assertive start from a passive behavioral baseline and require quite a bit of practice in assertive communication skills before they can see any change in the power balance between them and other people. So start slowly in the beginning, and gradually practice more and more assertive communication skills.Here are a few tips on what communication skills you need to develop and practice:

The important thing is that you keep practicing and reinforcing your assertive communication skills, rather than your initial effectiveness. It may be a new way of communicating for you, so it may take some time before it feels natural, but the more you practice your assertive communication skills, the more confidence you will gain and you will find out that  not only is it really easy, but it’s also very effective.