Assertiveness

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. We all know how it feels; sometimes we experience it as a fleeting annoyance, other times as overwhelming fury.
One thing is certain: When it gets away from us and turns destructive, we are instantly at high risk for crises; crises at work, in our intimate relationships or friendships, and in the general quality of life. At this point, you can feel as though you are helplessly at the mercy of an unpredictable, strong, and over- powering feeling.
If you do not make an effort to understand and manage your anger, it can literally change the status of your very life!. Anger: What is it Exactly?
Anger can be considered a feeling state that can vary from simple annoyance to overwhelming fury and rage. It causes various physiological, neurological and respiratory changes. When angry, your heart rate accelerates and your blood pressure, levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline all spike up.
As you know, anger can be triggered by almost anything, but often makes its appearance when ones expectations are not met. A specific person or a situation, like traffic congestion, can trigger your anger. Or, it could be caused by obsessing or brooding about something; even memories of traumatic events can make anger surface.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, impulsive way to express anger is with hostility. However, in its natural state, anger is a normal, programmed response designed to protect us from danger and threats to our boundaries or territory.
It can generate powerful, aggressive and sometimes violent feelings and behaviors, which encourage us to protect and defend ourselves when attacked. Since anger became necessary to our early physical survival, evolution programmed it in to us-survival of the fittest.
On the other hand, over time, our cortex and thinking processes encouraged civilizing behaviors. Therefore, laws, social norms etc. structured how anger must be expressed to not backfire.
The main ways we cope with our anger, include the techniques of expressing, suppressing and self-soothing. Using an assertive, rather than hostile manner to express anger is considered to be the best approach.
The core of this method is to talk with another person in a way which makes clear what your needs are and how they could get met, so that you do not degrade, diminish or hurt the other person in the process. Being assertive is not being pushy or manipulative, but rather, being respectful of yourself and others.
One way to deal with anger is to inhibit or suppress it, then convert it into a more functional and healthy response. This happens when you impulsively think a hostile thought, and then reflect on a healthier, non hurtful way to express it and then do so.
It is important that you actually express your concern so you do not inadvertently turn your anger inwards, against yourself. Anger introjected in this way raises the risk for hypertension, depression and other emotionally-fueled disorders.
Unexpressed anger can lead to dysfunctional ways of expressing it, such as passive-aggressive behavior. People who use this method attempt to get back at people by not being direct and telling them the reason.
Instead, they just shut down or ignore the other person without telling them why. Sometimes, they just appear cynical or hostile.
If you are constantly putting others down, criticizing them or making cynical comments, you have not learned to constructively express anger. Therefore, you are likely to have struggling or tension-laden relationships.
Finally, it is important to remember to soothe yourself. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also deliberately calming yourself in order to decrease your heart rate and let the agitated feelings subside.

45 year old Judy revealed in an anger management class that she
was constantly angry at her husband. When asked why, she
revealed that her aged mother lives next door and she always
felt conflicted whether to spend time with her husband or her
mother after work.

She loved them both, but resented her husband’s becoming
demanding and upset when she spent needed time with her mother
instead of being with him. Judy revealed that she dealt with the
situation by ignoring her husband when he expressed displeasure
- with disastrous results. These included constant bickering and
tension in the home as well as emotional distance from each
other.

How much better the outcome would have been had Judy used basic
skills of assertive communication.

What is assertive communication?

It is a way to communicate to your family your rights, feelings
and needs- but in a good way. It is a method of letting family
members know where you stand on things and what your limits and
boundaries are.

Assertive communication allows you to clarify communication and
stand up for yourself without making things worse or getting a
negative result or response from your loved ones.

Four Steps to Assertive Communication:

Step 1- Send clear messages

Turns out Judy had never clearly told her husband how she felt
when he put pressure on her to spend time with him instead of
her mother. When she did discuss it, she hemmed, hawed and
stammered with almost no eye contact.

As a result her husband was not getting a clear message. To
communicate clearly, look at your posture and your facial
expressions, as well as your hand and arm movements. Pay special
attention to your tone of voice which can say volumes beyond
your words.

Step 2 – Learn how to listen

Assertive people have developed their listening skills. While
hearing is done with your ears, true listening is done with your
heart. To be a better communicator, start by becoming a better
listener.

Step 3 – Start the conversation with “I feel” rather than “you
should.”

Words have tremendous power to determine how other people
experience us, and how they respond to an issue.

For this reason, people with good assertive communication skills
focus on the problem behavior (and not the character of the
person), stick to the point, don’t use labels, and make “I”
statements rather than “you” statements.

Judy tried this with her husband and it worked very well. Here
is what she said: “Honey, I love you and want to be with you,
but I also need to be with my mother now. Could you get along
without me for a hour a night? I’ll try to always be back by
8:30 PM.”

Step 4 – Acknowledge your part in the conflict or issue

Anger is often an escalating process, involving two people who
create a negative feeling in each other, sometimes instantly and
sometimes over a long period of time.

It is natural to blame another family member entirely for the
problem, especially when we are angry or in a defensive mode.

But, once we return to normal, the assertive communicator is
able to accept some of the responsibility for the conflict. This
acceptance and acknowledgement of your contribution to the
problem is an indication of emotional maturity and can create an
entirely different atmosphere between conflicting family members.

Try saying the following things to promote communication:

- My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry. – Even though I
still feel I was right about the issue, my reaction wasn’t right
and I apologize. – I never thought of things that way. – Let me
start again in a different way. – I can see my part in all this.

To Judy’s delight, when she practiced saying some of these
things to her husband in a loving way, he began changing too.
Almost immediately, he became less demanding, more
understanding, and more aligned with her so both of them could
better care for her aging mother.

2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved