Assertiveness

Do nothing? Seriously? For women of action, this may be the last solution to consider in trying times. Many of us think we’re more likely to succeed if we get involved, assert ourselves and put up a decent fight. But there are certain situations (and we’re here to tell you which) where saving your breath and making a graceful retreat is your safest, smartest bet. In these situations, getting involved will have only damaging consequences and bring unnecessary problems into your zone.

So when exactly should you hold back? When you need to protect yourself. These are the situations in which you could be made into a scapegoat, an accomplice, a punching bag or an enemy by saying too much – or saying anything at all. Watch out for them.

When they’re Throwing a Tantrum

When somebody’s having a hissy fit, he or she is not thinking rationally or listening to anyone, so engaging at this point is a waste of time, you won’t get through. It’s a chaotic interaction at an emotional level, and if you get involved, you run the risk of getting pulled into the drama. If you start responding from the basis of feelings, you can escalate the situation. Rather calm down and reflect on what’s happening. Afterwards, approach the person and say what you don’t like about the behavior.

The way to protect yourself is by not allowing yourself to become the enemy or the savior. Realize that, by stepping away, you’re allowing the other person to let off steam, something he or she might desperately need to do. You could still be a friend without becoming involved, by allowing the person to give in to the feelings. Often that’s enough. If it’s someone you care for, you’re showing that you accept what he or she is going through, but you’re not part of it.

When there’s Nothing to Gain from Engaging with Them

‘Two years ago, one of my best friends developed an eating disorder,’ says Leigh-Ann, 27, a copywriter. ‘She was under stress at work and was starving herself. Her family and friends soon noticed and commented on it, because we were worried. Her aunt even phoned me to say I should organize an intervention to force her to start eating again. I desperately wanted to help but I saw that, whenever anyone started talking about her eating habits, she cut them off. Those people were only alienating her. I decided never to mention her eating disorder – instead, I supported and encouraged her in anything I thought was positive.’

‘One day, I mentioned to her that I’d been to see a therapist during a difficult time, and how it had worked for me. I was amazed when my friend told me a week later that she’d started seeing a psychologist. It really helped. She resigned from her job and found another, and also ended an unhappy relationship. She’s completely fine and healthy now.’

The first thing to do is evaluate the situation. Ask yourself whether there is anything to be gained from engaging, how much damage it could cause you and how you can protect yourself. You can’t change another person. If you feel you’ve said it all, what would engaging with them achieve? Also, consider the possibility that your solution might come from within you, not from the outside. Figure out whether you can hold back and do something inside you differently. We tend to think that engaging with a person is the sole answer to a problem. But sometimes he or she is just the catalyst and it’s you who needs to do something about the issue in yourself.

When the other person starts reacting in a ‘Yes, but…’ way to everything you suggest, it’s time to give up. There are people who can’t listen to or hear what others are saying. Recognize when this is the case, and step away. They might start to remember and hear what you said in the first place.

When you get Caught in a Conflict between Two People

When you know a situation actually has nothing to do with you, then it has nothing to do with you – it’s as simple as that. Don’t you have enough problems of your own? By not saying anything, you are refusing to take sides – which is what they might be expecting. If you do become involved, you’ll become part of the conflict and their problem will become yours too. Ask yourself what’s in it for you and why you’re being drawn into the situation. Assuming the other two people are adults who can make up their own minds and take responsibility for their own issues, why do you want to get involved? Do you feel the need to solve everyone’s problems? Does conflict make you uncomfortable?

By intervening, you can actually be doing the others a disservice.

Conflict takes individuals to another level. By playing the rescuer, you could be depriving them of the opportunity to grow and strengthen their bond. If, however, they ask you to intervene, consider the potential damage it could cause to you and your relationship with each of them. You can say no if you don’t feel up to it.

When He/She/It isn’t that Important to You

Learn to pick your battles. Confront only people you want to be close to and people who are acting abusively. Trying to resolve an issue means you are serious about the relationship. Accepting conflict automatically draws one closer to the other person involved and foists a relationship on them, whether they like it or not.

Conversely, not saying or doing anything is in fact ’saying’ something. By not reacting, you could be showing that you don’t care, that you disapprove or that you don’t know what to do. So before you do react, look at your motives. Why do you want to do it? Is this person open to what you’re going to say? And do you actually care?

When the Issue is Over

Endlessly harping on a past event can threaten to break a good relationship apart. There’s no point living in the past when you’re happy together and you love each other. You can’t let your past ruin your present. When something’s done, it’s done, and worrying, obsessing and talking about it may merely create more problems. But a situation doesn’t just vanish. Sometimes the reason you give energy to a situation is to help you move on. If it involves a significant person or event, spend some time on it – then move past it. Infidelity is a prime example. You might wish it could be swept under the carpet but it needs to be spoken about.

Though it’s not pleasant or comfortable, feelings must be discussed if you want to overcome the issue. Talk if it’s significant to you and if the person is important. But watch out for obsessing over every slight and disappointment in your life; you could be using your energy in far more creative, fulfilling ways.

If you find moving on and letting go difficult, use introspection to find out why you can’t. Maybe you fear feeling like a failure by not solving the issue. We all want happy endings but that notion simply isn’t realistic. Most of us want to please, to be accepted, to do the right thing – but we go on trying beyond reason and it becomes a struggle, which can be very tiring.

When you’ve Done your Best

Even if things didn’t work out the way you’d hoped, pat yourself on the back for doing your best. Maybe it was meant to happen that way. There are things we can control and things we can’t. Decide which is which and have the wisdom to step back from what you can’t alter. Don’t hang on to it. You can’t change the outcome this time – but you can change how you engage with the same person or situation in future to generate a different outcome.

There are two groups of scenarios where having the assertive communication skills to say “no” while being respected are much needed. I’m sure you would like to say “no” in both of these common scenarios yet you just cannot bring yourself to say it for several possible reasons.
The first group of scenarios involves someone asking for a favor that requires a type of resource from you such as money or time. This situation is non-threatening and often gets you to carry out the task because of your guilt, passiveness, or inability to take a stance. Here a few examples of these scenarios:
- A charity worker has rang you up on the phone, knocked on your door, or stopped you on the street and kindly asked you for a donation. You don’t have enough money to give them a donation.
- You have been asked to put in some overtime at work but you need to be home before your partner leaves the house so you can take care of the kids.
- Your child who is struggling with an assignment that is due tomorrow asks for your assistance. You are in the middle of an important conference call and afterwards you need to write a follow up report for the meeting tomorrow morning.
This first type of scenario involves you having the incapacity to fulfill what is being asked of you. It is not that you would not like to help someone else, but it is that you simply cannot help because of poor time, financial resources, or mental incapacity. Despite our lack of emotional and physical resources we still have a tendency to try and do-it-all.
The second common scenario where it is extremely helpful to say “no” is in a more threatening situation than the first type of scenarios. It involves your unwillingness and reluctancy to carry out the action that is requested of you. This common scenario is about being coerced into doing something against your will. The follow examples are similar as the first scenario but your personal situation this time is different:
- A charity worker is in contact with you requesting a donation yet this time you are unwilling to give them a donation because you dislike how they use donations in their work and giving a contribution feels like a waste.
- You have been asked to put in some overtime at work but you really don’t want to. Maybe your partner has asked you to take the kids out or you have got so much paper work to sought through at home and it is piling up like the Eiffel Tower and tilting like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. You have other things to do but they aren’t important.
- Your child who is struggling with an assignment that is due tomorrow asks for your assistance. You have spare time on your hands but you feel you need to let your child take responsibility for not having worked on the assignment at an earlier time.
In the second group of scenarios you have the time and monetary resources to donate but you say “no” because of your unwillingness to engage in the activity. You find saying “no” is extremely difficult because of peer pressure, intimidation, fear, or a concern for being seen as a weak.
Now that you have learned the most common scenarios you need to assert yourself, you can learn the appropriate communication skills to safely express yourself in those situations.

Have you ever really wanted to say no to someone? Perhaps a friend asked you to do something for them, and you just didn’t have time, or had to put something important on the back burner in order to be able to do it. Maybe you wanted to say no to your spouse. A lot of people find themselves in this situation, and while they really want to say no, they don’t.
One reason is the fear that someone will no longer like you, or will think you’re rude, snobby, etc. However, learning how to say no is something we all must do. We simply can’t accommodate everyone all the time. We also must worry about our own needs and desires.
Being assertive is being able to say no in a way that is clear and understandable, while at the same time still caring about the other person’s feelings. It is also being able to communicate and express your desires, wishes and feelings about any area of your life. A person who is a healthy, assertive person is able to do these things without concern that the other person will no longer like them.
A healthy, assertive person is also able to say no, or communicate desires and wishes without feeling self-conscious or guilty for doing it. For example, if your boss continues to place someone else’s work on your desk, day in and day out because the other person is slacking off, you should be able to tell him that you won’t do it.
This doesn’t mean that you want to get angry with your boss, or give him a piece of your mind. You probably do, but being assertive is different from telling someone off. You might say something to him like, “I just can’t take extra work today. I’m very busy with my own work. You will need to find someone else, or perhaps try and get my co-worker to finish up his own work.” Plain and simple. That’s all you had to say, and it didn’t sound rude or disrespectful. You clearly stated that you were not going to take extra work, and you didn’t apologize or act guilty.
When people clearly state their needs and desires in a way that is not rude, or unfriendly, others will understand. Unless they are unreasonable individuals, most people respect and appreciate the fact that you are honest with them, even if your answer is no. A lot of people stay frustrated all the time, because they are unable to communicate their desires and feelings. Marriages end from this reason all the time.
A wife who is tired, who works all day and then comes home to clean the home and do the laundry and all of the other house hold chores will probably be very frustrated if she doesn’t clearly communicate her need for help in that area. This anger and frustration will build and build until there is the potential for a blow up. Think of the poor husband. His wife is going to be morphing into the Hulk right in front of him and he has absolutely no idea why. She should have communicated these things. All she ever had to say was, “Honey, I feel like I could really use some help around the house. Would you mind taking on some of the chores?”
Being assertive is very different from being aggressive. You don’t want to attack the other person. Simply state your needs and desires in a friendly way. You should use assertion when you feel the need to communicate things with another individual. If you are being asked to do something that you just can’t do comfortably, this is the time to be assertive.
You want to look the other person in the eye, keep your facial features relaxed, and state your desires and needs. You don’t have to be rude or mean to another person in order to convey your feelings about something to them. You simply have to be assertive, and have the confidence to follow through with your statement without feeling guilty or low. If more people exercised their right to be assertive, there would be less confusion, and less friction or problems that arise from no communication.