Assertiveness

We can define assertiveness by placing it on a continuum between passiveness and aggression and making a contrast with them.   Assertive behaviours reflect the sense of personal worth that the individual has for himself and for the other person.  When we are Assertive we are honouring and reflecting our core values in whatever situation we find ourselves.  We stand up of these values and defend them in a manner which is inarguable. 

Looking at the differences in behaviours and attitudes shows some very obvious differences.

Passive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in a passive or submissive manner are demonstrating a lack of respect for their own values, needs and rights.

Many passive people do not express their honest feelings, needs, values and concerns. They allow others to dictate to them, denying their rights and ignoring their needs.

The body language of the passive person is bowed and bent, submissive and non threatening.

Their speech is peppered with “Sorrys”

Aggressive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in an aggressive manner express their feelings, needs and ideas at the expense of others. They need to win arguments. They tend to overpower other people.

The body language of the Aggressive person is threatening , finger pointing, stand over.

Their speech can be loud abusive, rude and sarcastic

Assertive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in an assertive manner use methods of communication which enable them to maintain self-respect and gain satisfaction of needs without abusing or dominating others.  They stand up for their rights and express personal needs, values and concerns in direct and appropriate ways.

The language of the assertive person is riddled with “I talk” 

Eg “I hear what you say and I believe that…..”

“I recognise that you are upset, what do you need to have happen…?”

“I feel that the time is right to make this change”

“I am confident that when we have covered of the agenda items we will have an agreement”

The Aggressive style gets results in the short term, and breeds an atmosphere of “submission under duress”. In leadership styles this styles certainly has an impact , often delivering above budget results and leaving a beaten and demoralised staff behind to be inherited by the nest leader.

The cost to an organisation of this leadership stye is usually not felt whilst the leaders is in position, except perhaps in staff turnover statistics, it is usually felt in subsequent years, after the person has moved on.



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Even the best of us has one of those days – or a memory of one of those days when we dread going to work – not because we don’t want to work, but because the sheer thought of having to deal with one personality is enough to exhaust and drain us of energy.

Yep, the bully you were scared of back in your childhood days seems to have grown up, too. Unfortunately, they didn’t seem to have changed. And now they haunt your working days just as badly as they haunted your school days.

Assertive Behaviour in the face of the Workplace Bully

Successfully dealing with the workplace bully sometimes leads to the intervention of the company or organization’s personnel and human resources department. Also sometimes it can be more effectively dealt with, on a more personal level. It makes sense that if you report negative bullying attitude to the appropriate higher-ups, you have the help and support of company policies on inter-office management.

Human relationships being what it is might likely get adverse reactions from the rest of your workmates for being a “snitch.” Now this may be an unjustified observation, but it can happen. And because it is so probable, you might want to consider that perhaps the best way of dealing with the conflicts surrounding you is by learning to assert your rights on your own.

Assertiveness is a learned skill

Being assertive means that you stand up for your rights even in the face of what are controlling or manipulative behaviors from others.

Being assertive also means that you are can freely and honestly express your opinions and feelings about a particular situation without the fear of reprisals or being punished because of such honesty.

The important thing to remember is that assertiveness is a learned skill. Thus, if you lack assertiveness, you can and probably should learn it. You’ll find that each assertive act only serves to reinforce your assertive “muscles,” so to speak.

The backbone of good assertive behavior is your own appreciation of your personal rights. These are rights which others should also respect. Thus:

- You have the right to say “no” when somebody asks you to do something which you are either not responsible for, or something that you judge is asking too much from you

- You are not responsible for other people’s problems and it is not your duty to solve them

- You have the right to express your disagreement or difference of opinion from others without being punished for such self-expression

In many ways, a good grasp and understanding of your own rights, and the rights of others is a fine starting point for a confident expression of those rights. You express these rights in how you deal with others and in how you express yourself, especially in how you act in conflict situations. Just be mindful in your manner of self-expression and see that you don’t cross the line into aggressive behavior instead.

The consistent application of assertive behavior can be a rewarding experience in itself. Not only will you be able to breathe easier after having been able to express your own opinions and feelings, but you might find that most people actually appreciate you better for knowing how to draw healthy boundaries in your working relationships with them.



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