Assertiveness

We can define assertiveness by placing it on a continuum between passiveness and aggression and making a contrast with them.   Assertive behaviours reflect the sense of personal worth that the individual has for himself and for the other person.  When we are Assertive we are honouring and reflecting our core values in whatever situation we find ourselves.  We stand up of these values and defend them in a manner which is inarguable. 

Looking at the differences in behaviours and attitudes shows some very obvious differences.

Passive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in a passive or submissive manner are demonstrating a lack of respect for their own values, needs and rights.

Many passive people do not express their honest feelings, needs, values and concerns. They allow others to dictate to them, denying their rights and ignoring their needs.

The body language of the passive person is bowed and bent, submissive and non threatening.

Their speech is peppered with “Sorrys”

Aggressive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in an aggressive manner express their feelings, needs and ideas at the expense of others. They need to win arguments. They tend to overpower other people.

The body language of the Aggressive person is threatening , finger pointing, stand over.

Their speech can be loud abusive, rude and sarcastic

Assertive Behaviour:

People who typically behave in an assertive manner use methods of communication which enable them to maintain self-respect and gain satisfaction of needs without abusing or dominating others.  They stand up for their rights and express personal needs, values and concerns in direct and appropriate ways.

The language of the assertive person is riddled with “I talk” 

Eg “I hear what you say and I believe that…..”

“I recognise that you are upset, what do you need to have happen…?”

“I feel that the time is right to make this change”

“I am confident that when we have covered of the agenda items we will have an agreement”

The Aggressive style gets results in the short term, and breeds an atmosphere of “submission under duress”. In leadership styles this styles certainly has an impact , often delivering above budget results and leaving a beaten and demoralised staff behind to be inherited by the nest leader.

The cost to an organisation of this leadership stye is usually not felt whilst the leaders is in position, except perhaps in staff turnover statistics, it is usually felt in subsequent years, after the person has moved on.



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‘The most destructive element in human mind is fear.

Fear creates aggressiveness’

- Dorothy Simpson

Have you ever, if at all, tried to observe if you are an aggressive or assertive person? Despite the fact that man is naturally endowed with all it takes (and more) to undertake a self appraisal in order to make our individual and collective lives better, hardly do we consciously do this. Assertiveness is one of the basic features of leadership yet a lot of people in leadership positions are aggressive either deliberately or not. Do not get me wrong. You do not have to be at the helm of affairs in one big office to be a leader, but you are always at the helm of your own affairs and no one can take that away. So you too are a leader! Besides, it is natural that we find ourselves leading others at some point or the other. However, whether as a leader or follower, we all relate with others everyday.

In a world where might is right, it may seem appropriate to be aggressive in order to have our ways, but it is not always like that. Some managers, in a bid to assert authority, only succeed in intimidating subordinates, who in an attempt to repel the threat or seeming oppression, end up exhibiting unruly and unbecoming behaviours. But must we continue in such manner that neither gives us the desired peace of mind nor self respect, and infact shuts the door on real and sincere friendship and loyalty? No. This is especially so when there are simpler and better ways of doing these things. And who says adults cannot learn and change their ways? I am confident you will agree with me that every adult knows the difference and is sufficiently equipped to choose that which is right – being assertive.

Assertiveness is simply the ability to express yourself within the limits of your natural rights. Aggressiveness on the other hand, refers to a mode of communication and behavior where one expresses his feelings, needs, and rights without regard or respect for the needs and feelings of others. In some extreme situations, emotional or physical force is applied such that the rights of others do not see the light of day at all. This happens in our homes, between couples, in offices and even among friends. With an aggressive behaviour, the dignity of the other person tends to be trampled upon, distance is created, communication is hampered and relationships suffer. Having injured the ego of the other party, aggressive individuals experience a higher level of stress and this takes away the joy from their seeming triumph. Aggressiveness is an often regretted emotional outburst – only a little better than a physical illness. This is because aggressive individuals suffer a false sense of self righteousness, and a feeling so transient that such people after thinking through usually feel guilty. They thereafter burn inside and out of pride find no one to share the hurt with. This disposition pushes others away, causes them to lose respect for you and in some cases become angry, unfriendly and vengeful. It is possible to be aggressive without realizing it, especially when one is threatened. However, with a conscious effort at deep awareness, it is possible to always be in control of your reaction to any kind of stimuli.

Being assertive, according to Wellness Workbook ( Ryan and Travis), “basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other”. It enables you to put your cards on the table without either hurting the ego of the other party or destroying the chances of future relationships. It earns you a sense of ease; you feel good about yourself, gain more self confidence and even the respect of your colleagues and friends. Being assertive keeps you emotionally balanced such that improves your decision making ability and possibly your chances of getting what you want from life. The learned will agree with me that aggressiveness is caused by some kind of fear; that which comes from ignorance about self and one’s environment, and induces self doubt and lack of confidence. From the understanding of self comes a better appreciation of your world and that around you. It also allows you to be in harmony with yourself and your environment, and rewards you with a sense of security such that you are immunized from feeling threatened in any situation, hence no reason to be aggressive. This self knowledge comes from ‘Emotional Intelligence’.

The concept of Emotional Intelligence is the result of various studies on the role of non cognitive factors in helping people to succeed at work and in life generally. Revolving around the importance of social and emotional abilities for personal success, it is defined as “a form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and action ”(Salovey & Mayer). Emotional Intelligence deals with knowing when and how to express emotion as well as the ability to control it.  According to Salovey, there are five pillars of Emotional Intelligence. The first of these is Self Awareness by which it is meant recognizing a feeling as it happens. This ability is crucial to self understanding because the lack of it leaves one at the mercy of those feelings. Self knowledge provides the necessary tools to pilot one’s life more effectively. Management of Emotions comes next. This is the ability to control feelings and emotions such that response to stimuli at any point in time is appropriate. It relates to the ability to sooth oneself and overcome negative emotions. Its lack leads to feelings of distress and depression.

A good understanding and control of one’s feelings is a precursor for Self Motivation, which leads to self mastery and creativity. People who have this skill tend to be more highly productive and effective in whatever they undertake. Another pillar of emotional intelligence is the fundamental people skill – Empathy. Recognizing emotions in others attunes one to the subtle signals that indicate what others need or want. The last on the list is Relationship Management which in other words refers to managing emotions in others. This skill underpins popularity, leadership and interpersonal effectiveness. People who excel here are social stars.

LAST WORD

It is only expected that people will differ in their mastery of these principles but the brain is eternally pliable, always learning and growing. This means that shortcomings in emotional intelligence can always be improved and built upon. So which would you rather be? Aggressive or Assertive? Besides, studies have revealed that the most successful leaders in world history were warmer, more outgoing, emotionally expressive, dramatic and sociable. It surely pays to be assertive. So why not learn Emotional Intelligence now!

 

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Knowing how to be assertive in the workplace is a great advantage for you. After all, the big bosses won’t care about your attendance record or how well you make coffee. They’re more interested in, and are more likely to remember, employees who are determined and carry out their own ideas.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re at work or at a doughnut shop. Learning how to be assertive is the first step to achieving your bigger goals and ambitions.

It’s your ticket to success. However, there are a few key points you must remember and practice before you set out to take that step.

Being Assertive Is Not Being Aggressive.

Many people make the mistake of thinking these two concepts are the same. You know better than that. Being aggressive can backfire on you big time.

Your co-workers, and even your employers, might feel intimidated or turned off by your aggressiveness. You don’t want to scare them away, do you?

Be subtle. If you have an idea, pitch it in a “soft” way. But don’t overwhelm the whole office with it.

Assertiveness Rests on Self-Confidence.

You won’t ever get past the first step if you don’t even have self-confidence. Learning how to be assertive includes improving all your other skills.

Try talking to yourself in front of the mirror. If you can’t even do that, then how do you expect to convince your boss of your credibility? You might even have to work on your stance and observe your body language.

Practicing how to be assertive in the workplace gives you many benefits that extend beyond your 9-5 timetable. You can also use the skills you have honed when trying to socialize with other people. Just remember that moderation is key, and that you are capable of becoming a self-confident and assertive person.



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I had just received the third pink slip in two weeks from the lab that said my payment was passed due. Over three times I had called and my insurance company had assured me that the lab work was covered and that they would mail out a check that afternoon. This time, when I finally got a representative on the telephone, I was polite but firm. I said that I wanted the problem taken care of immediately, and I wrote down her name and the supervisor’s name. It was time to get even more assertive.

Has assertiveness gotten a bad rap, however, among the chronically ill? Is it assumed that we won’t have the energy or stamina to fight all of the battles that we will face? When we do talk to someone in customer service, we are rarely taken absolutely seriously. After all, isn’t it just the drugs that make us impatient and nit-picky about all of this insurance stuff? Has anyone ever brushed off your assertiveness simply by assuming, “She doesn’t have anything else to think about all day, so no wonder she’s upset!”? Or “She’s just taking her frustrations out on me because she has a chronic illness.”

When you imagine an assertive person, what comes to mind? Webster’s Dictionary says that assertiveness is “positive; affirming confidently; affirmative.” Too often we confuse assertiveness with aggression which is defined as “making assaults and unjustly attacking.” Most of us have had moments when we have slid into an aggressive mode, but assertiveness is based on one’s ability to confidently step forward. Rather than becoming aggressive, I believe that the chronically ill often become burnt out on fighting and we simply avoid any conflict. Who has the energy to fight for our rights? Next time a situation arises where you may need to be a bit assertive, here are some things in which to remember.

[1] I have the right to say no without feeling guilty.

For those of us with chronic illness, this is a big one! We must say, “no, thanks,” or “I’ll pass,” much more often than we would prefer. Even when we master the ability to say no, the guilt continues to sit with us for days. Let it go! You know your abilities and limitations and what is best for your own health and your family’s well being.

[2] I have the right to state my opinion, even if I change my mind.

Have you ever been on a jury and you had to state your decision up-front, but than as the deliberations continued, you changed your mind about the verdict? You have the right to say what you think, but it’s best to think before you speak. Is what you say going to hurt someone’s feelings? Are your comments going to help the situation?

[3] I have the right to take risks and try new things.

Just because you have a chronic condition doesn’t mean you have to eat at the same restaurant the rest of your life. Try new things! You may find a new hobby or a new activity that you are able to easily do, in which you would have never thought about. “When I started taking photos it was on one of those cardboard cameras,” says Darcie. “But then I found that I really loved it and I wasn’t half bad. So I bought a real camera. It’s been fun. I’ve had an excuse to go to events that I couldn’t participate in before, like boat races, because I am ‘the photographer.’”

[4] I have the right to be heard.

Whether you are having a conversation with a medical professional or your mother, you do have the right to be heard. Too many of us fall into the habit of talking all of the time, however, and forgetting that we also have the responsibility to listen. Know your boundaries and what you are willing to listen to and not. When a man approached me after a health fair and said, “I can cure you in 30 days,” I replied, “You have sixty seconds to tell me why I should talk with you further about your product.” I listened… and no, he didn’t convince me. He felt okay about it though, and I got out of an uncomfortable thirty-minute sales pitch.

So be assertive—practice in front of the mirror if you must. As you step out and share your opinion, it may feel awkward at first, but then you will gain more confidence and it will become simpler the next time the opportunity arises. Even studies have shown that assertive people are more likely to have personal and professional relationships that are based on honesty and mutual respect.



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Women will occasionally find themselves in heated arguments. Sometimes, people’s views and opinions will come in conflict and create drama. Every now and then these conversations can lead to more difficult situations. Knowing how to be assertive in a nice way can prevent an argument from blowing up and may even help one win an argument.

Learning how to be an assertive woman consists of two things: one is the tendency towards a positive attitude, and the other is audacity. Assertiveness means that you possess a kind of boldness; the boldness to let your views and opinions be heard.

At the root of audacity is the confidence that your views and opinions are true. Having confidence in your beliefs causes you to have the boldness to disclose or pass on to others what you have to say. And, conversely, you will have the courage to defend and stand up for your views against people who may disagree of feel differently than you do.

An assertive woman’s assertiveness is also joined by a positive outlook. She speaks with an attitude that is positive despite a subject that may be about things that are negative. The reason for this is because a person who has a negative attitude runs the risk of loosing his or her composure and possibly saying things that could either be regretted later, or not support the argument’s merits. Be sure to think carefully about the words you use and don’t just ramble on. More words is not a sign of assertiveness. It will not help you win the person you are speaking with and may be considered rude.

An assertive person is not one who tries to find the balance between passivity and aggressiveness; but is a different idea all together. It simply means that when you are in an argument, that you will not be bullied to compromise your beliefs or values. It means that you will stand your ground. It is conveying every thought and every word with grace and elegance in order to expose the truth that you hold. This means there is no need to belittle or insult, but, because you have the power of truth on your side, grace, elegance, and poise are yours to wield.

Be sure you have thought through your facts. Be able to back up the things you want to say. Know in advance, if possible, the counter arguments that might come and be prepared to answer them. Look at it is from the point of view of the other person. Step into their shoes and try to understand why they are taking the position that they are. This can allow you to see flaws in the other person’s argument, or, possibly, cause you to change your own opinion if that is what the truth dictates.

Learning how to be an assertive woman is the skill of learning to convey the truth. The truth brings with it confidence. Assertive confidence has nothing to do with changing the mind of your opponent, but has everything to do with ensuring that your opinions, beliefs, and feelings are heard. This is assertiveness.



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Have you ever really wanted to say no to someone? Perhaps a friend asked you to do something for them, and you just didn’t have time, or had to put something important on the back burner in order to be able to do it. Maybe you wanted to say no to your spouse. A lot of people find themselves in this situation, and while they really want to say no, they don’t.

One reason is the fear that someone will no longer like you, or will think you’re rude, snobby, etc. However, learning how to say no is something we all must do. We simply can’t accommodate everyone all the time. We also must worry about our own needs and desires.

Being assertive is being able to say no in a way that is clear and understandable, while at the same time still caring about the other person’s feelings. It is also being able to communicate and express your desires, wishes and feelings about any area of your life. A person who is a healthy, assertive person is able to do these things without concern that the other person will no longer like them.

A healthy, assertive person is also able to say no, or communicate desires and wishes without feeling self-conscious or guilty for doing it. For example, if your boss continues to place someone else’s work on your desk, day in and day out because the other person is slacking off, you should be able to tell him that you won’t do it.

This doesn’t mean that you want to get angry with your boss, or give him a piece of your mind. You probably do, but being assertive is different from telling someone off. You might say something to him like, “I just can’t take extra work today. I’m very busy with my own work. You will need to find someone else, or perhaps try and get my co-worker to finish up his own work.” Plain and simple. That’s all you had to say, and it didn’t sound rude or disrespectful. You clearly stated that you were not going to take extra work, and you didn’t apologize or act guilty.

When people clearly state their needs and desires in a way that is not rude, or unfriendly, others will understand. Unless they are unreasonable individuals, most people respect and appreciate the fact that you are honest with them, even if your answer is no. A lot of people stay frustrated all the time, because they are unable to communicate their desires and feelings. Marriages end from this reason all the time.

A wife who is tired, who works all day and then comes home to clean the home and do the laundry and all of the other house hold chores will probably be very frustrated if she doesn’t clearly communicate her need for help in that area. This anger and frustration will build and build until there is the potential for a blow up. Think of the poor husband. His wife is going to be morphing into the Hulk right in front of him and he has absolutely no idea why. She should have communicated these things. All she ever had to say was, “Honey, I feel like I could really use some help around the house. Would you mind taking on some of the chores?”

Being assertive is very different from being aggressive. You don’t want to attack the other person. Simply state your needs and desires in a friendly way. You should use assertion when you feel the need to communicate things with another individual. If you are being asked to do something that you just can’t do comfortably, this is the time to be assertive.

You want to look the other person in the eye, keep your facial features relaxed, and state your desires and needs. You don’t have to be rude or mean to another person in order to convey your feelings about something to them. You simply have to be assertive, and have the confidence to follow through with your statement without feeling guilty or low. If more people exercised their right to be assertive, there would be less confusion, and less friction or problems that arise from no communication.



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People will always find themselves in the heat of arguments. Every once in a while, conflicting personalities and ideologies will clash and create commotion. Sometimes, these conversations lead to more harsh circumstances.

Learning to be assertive is a way to prevent arguments from blowing up. Furthermore, it will definitely help in winning arguments.

Assertiveness is a trait that is characterized by two things, audacity and leaning towards the positive. Assertiveness is being audacious in the sense that it requires a certain boldness to be assertive.

Audacity is accompanied by confidence that is rooted from the truth. If one has confidence in what he believes in, he will be bold enough to tell the world about it and will be brave enough to defend it against those who may persecute this ideology of his.

Assertiveness is also accompanied by the “positive.” An assertive person speaks with a positive attitude, even though he is referring to negative things. A negative person, when engaged in an argument, will most likely lose his composure and perhaps say things that are not based on good ideas. Have you heard a blabbermouth engage in an argument? Some people don’t think about the words that they are saying because all they care about is hoarding the whole argument. This tactic will never win a single argument and will likely offend the other party.

Assertiveness is not something in between aggressiveness and being passive; it is a whole other concept on its own. Being assertive means being strong and bold enough to stand your ground when engaged in an argument. It is releasing every word with finesse, as if you are reading from the book of truths. Being assertive, however, is not about insulting the person whom you are arguing with; but rather, it is a way of being respectful of his views and comments.

Before you can be assertive concerning a certain standpoint, you must first fully understand the whole issue. Let us take an example.

Let us say that you (hypothetically) can be sure that you will be engaged in an argument about birth control pills in the near future (perhaps you will be attending a seminar or a symposium about the topic). You should at least make an effort to substantiate your views. Moreover, you must also look into the opposing view, which is the more important thing to do.

Sometimes, people tend to forget the other side of things once they have seen several positive things on the side that they believe is better. Learning about the opposing view can enrich the mind. Two things might happen; you can change views or stick with your current standpoint and find more lapses on the other side. This way, a holistic approach is taken towards learning, which is imperative before being assertive.

Assertiveness is the projection of the truth. It is a confident-laden approach towards arguing. Assertiveness, when used in arguments, will definitely give the person a competitive advantage but will also make sure that the argument stays sensible and thoughtful.

Winning an argument does not strictly mean that you have to make your “opponent” concede to your beliefs; winning it entails a simple thing – that your views are heard and that you have made yourself an exemplar of your belief. This is assertiveness in action.



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