Assertiveness

I have a confession. I’m a Photoshop wannabe. In case you don’t know it, Photoshop is the premier software program for digital photography.
It has more features to tweak, enhance, and distort photographic images than you can imagine. As much as I’d like to master this program, truth be known, I’m still very much a beginner.
However, I’ve taken some Photoshop classes and my instructor used little sayings to help his students remember certain Photoshop tricks and applications.
My favorite saying is, “If it’s not selected, then it’s not affected.” What he’s referring to is if you don’t select an area to work on by clicking on the select button (you can also use the magic wand to determine the area first…really!), then you can’t have an affect on that area.
Think about it in terms of life. What you select, you affect and you allow it to affect you. What you don’t select you can’t affect and, therefore, it is less likely to affect you! Genius!
So ask yourself – “Do I know what I am selecting and why I am selecting it?”
Are you conscious of your choices (selections)? And what are the outcomes (what is affected) as a result of your choices? If you find yourself continually having a negative experience around certain people, places, and/or situations, how might you be able to make a different selection?
As you improve your SQ (Select-ability Quotient: How wise and aware you are of your selections), you’ll find yourself making different choices (selections), and therefore, you’ll also be affected differently.
Some selection differences may include: being more assertive (Saying no when you mean no, and being direct with your requests), trying out new activities (i.e.: yoga, Tai Chi, dance, meditation, basket-weaving, scuba-diving), going to new places/events (poetry readings, spiritual ceremonies/services, art shows, the beach), and/or hanging out with new and different people.
As you try out all these new opportunities notice the new and different outcomes. When you’re positively affected, make a note of the situation, as you’ll want to repeat that selection.
Now before you leave your spouse, quit your job, move to Arizona, or sell your house, do an inner selection inventory.
What are you selecting in your thoughts?
Are you selecting positive, life-enhancing, empowering thoughts? If not, then perhaps you’ll want to experiment with some new thought selections.
Unlike your external environment, you do have control over your internal thoughts. You can change them whenever you choose to (whenever you make a new selection).
Select positive thoughts and you’re bound to have a more positive mood. (Remember: It’s what you select that has an affect.) Start from the inside, and then work to the outside.
So there you have it: The Photoshop wannabe’s Selection-Affection Connection. All of which brings us to a very popular old story…sort of…
The Four Little Pigs and Healthy Boundaries
Remember the story of The Three Little Pigs? These three little pigs were out and about when the big, bad wolf showed up. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran to the first little pig’s house, which was made of straw. The big, bad wolf chased them to the house and huffed and puffed and blew the straw house away.
But just in the nick of time the three little pigs ran off to the second little pig’s house, which was made of sticks. When the big, bad wolf got there, he again huffed and puffed, and blew the stick house away just like the first.
The three little pigs frantically ran to the third little pig’ house, which was made of stone. When the big, bad wolf arrived he couldn’t muster up enough huffing and puffing to budge the stone house.
The three little pigs were safe. And as long as the pigs used the windows to look through and they kept the door locked (Boundaries!!), they were safe – all of which brings us to the fourth little pig.
The fourth little pig also lived in a house made of stone, but his house was different because it had no doors or windows. This little pig was most definitely safe, maybe too safe. This little pig had totally disconnected himself from the outer world. Let’s look at all the boundary dynamics in this story.
The first two little pigs’ houses represent permeable boundaries. This means the boundaries were insufficient because they offered too little protection. Their boundaries were too easily breached and entered. They allowed outer influences to have too much control and power.
When people have permeable boundaries, they suffer a great loss of energy and identity and they leave themselves vulnerable to unnecessary hurt.
The fourth little pig’s house represents boundaries which are overly rigid and inflexible. Often when people have been severely hurt or have an extreme fear of getting hurt, they overreact to protect themselves and construct these rigid boundaries. Yes, they are protected from hurt, but at the same time they live a life of loneliness and isolation.
The third little pig’s house represents firm and flexible boundaries. These boundaries are strong enough to keep out unwanted influences; but with the proper use of the doors and windows, they are flexible enough to discern whom to allow in. These are the healthiest boundaries to have.
This might be a good time to do an inventory of your boundaries!

The Balance Challenge of Life – You’ve probably heard the old real estate cliche which asks the question, “What are the three most important elements of property?” You also probably know the answer is location, location and location.
But have you ever heard the similar question about life, “What are the three most important elements of a balanced life?” The answer to this question is boundaries, boundaries, and boundaries.
The Boundary Triad of Health and Wholeness
Boundaries are all about knowing where you end and others begin, as well as knowing where your energy needs to be divided from one area of your life to another. When you are aware of your boundaries and you reinforce them, you’ll find yourself operating in a flow, which essentially means there’s an ease in all you do.
Life without boundaries (or the reinforcement of them), results in massive losses of energy and an experience of going against the grain.
There are three basics of boundaries dynamics: One which is internal and two which are external. The internal boundaries are totally with yourself. The external boundaries – proactive and reactive – are with others. Let’s take a closer look.
Internal Boundaries: These boundaries will give you a more balanced life. When you live according to your purpose and vision, everything revolves around this. Your purpose and vision are the center of your life, and they are expressed in all areas of your life.
Evaluate your level of satisfaction with each primary area of your life on a scale from 1 to 10. If you find certain areas coming up with unsatisfactory results, or if there are areas which are dominating your life, reset your goals and reprioritize to get the maximum balance you desire.
Keep in mind, however, balance is seldom ever perfected but rather an ongoing readjustment. If you find you’re sacrificing disproportionate balance to or in one area (relationship, work, friends) you may want to re-evaluate that choice. This is often an early warning sign of some oncoming dysfunction which can still be prevented.
Proactive Boundaries: When you make a request, or express a need or want, you are being proactive with your boundaries. In other words, you’re not waiting to react, but instead are being forthright in stating and choosing what it is that you want and desire in your life. This all comes from knowing your values, deal-makers and deal-breakers, and living in integrity.
Being assertive means not only saying “No” to what you don’t want, but stating what you do want, proactively.
Want the aisle seat? Then ask for it. Want a booth instead of a table? Ask for it. Want less ice or no ice? Then ask for it. I think you get the idea, right?
Know who you are (your purpose and values), and know what you want (your goals and desires). Then ask for exactly what it is you need to achieve all this.
You’re far more likely to get what you want in life if you ask for it than if you don’t!
Don’t assume people, even those closest to you, will know what you want and need unless you ask. Being proactive will make your life more fulfilling.
Reactive Boundaries: These are boundaries you set to repel anything which is unacceptable or inappropriate to you. You must first identify what is unacceptable and then enforce the boundaries you set.
When someone does something which is intrusive, inappropriate, or abusive toward you, it’s your responsibility to set an appropriate boundary to protect yourself. This may simply mean leaving the situation or distancing yourself from it; letting the person know what happened and what you want differently; and/or just simply informing them that the behavior is unacceptable.
Avoid explaining or complaining. Just state what happened and what you want, or remove yourself from the situation.
If you believe you have no choices, you’ll feel stuck and like a victim as well. Always see the options and choices you do have. When you recognize these options and act upon then, you keep your power.
These are the three boundary dynamics in your life: Your internal boundaries with yourself, and both your proactive and reactive boundaries with others. Keep those in balance and you will be able to enjoy a purposeful, passionate, empowered and prosperous life!

Do you take care of others so much that you forget to take care of yourself? Suppose your friend asks you to pick up her dry cleaning one day. You do not mind because it is along your commute and it feels good to help someone. However, a week later she asks for the same favor and you accept the invitation. Before you know it, you are picking up your friend’s dry cleaning weekly out of habit, without even realizing it is not your responsibility. You have taken it on as if it is your responsibility. You decide you are tired of participating but are uncertain how to make a change.Out of fear that the friendship could become strained, you choose not to say anything. You probably do not want to hurt her feelings or you might be uncomfortable with asserting yourself. Your feelings remain unspoken for a few weeks, months or years. You finally say something when you reach your breaking point. At that point, what you say comes with intense anger, rather than honesty.Your friend cannot understand why you are so angry because when she initially asked for your help, you willingly agreed. Even when she asked if you could continue to pick up her dry cleaning, you stated it was no problem. Naturally your friend is feeling confused and you are still feeling upset. You realize that it is truly time for a change.You could have avoided getting frustrated and feeling taken advantage of if you would have honestly communicated with your friend when you started to feel resentment. When you continue to help others due to your fear of saying no or to evade your own life is when it is best to have a sincere conversation. Though it may seem daunting, the conversation is empowering for both parties involved: It allows you to respect yourself and focus on meeting your own needs; it allows your friend to take personal responsibility. There is also an opportunity for a stronger bond to form between you and your friend when you overcome this challenge.Living for others encompasses more than doing tasks for others. You might also go along with group desires rather than expressing your own ideas. You might have gone into a specific profession to follow in the footsteps of another or because it afforded a stable living. In these instances you are sacrificing your dreams and neglecting to meet your needs. When you choose not to meet your own needs, you are left feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. You will then often look for ‘the next best thing’ in hopes to fill your void. Living authentically fills your void naturally because you are living the life you intentionally created. A life such as this brings meaning which rejuvenates the soul.Do for others only after you have taken care of yourself. When you put the needs of others before your own, you neglect your own. Just as the flight attendant states to do in case of an emergency: Put on your own mask before assisting someone else. You cannot truly help someone if you have not first helped yourself.

The real estate cliche asks the question, “What are three most important elements of property?” which is answered by, “Location, location and location.”
So, let me ask you a question: What are the three most important elements of successful relationships? Boundaries, boundaries, and boundaries.
And that would mean first of all, the “internal” boundaries that you have with yourself, as well as the proactive boundaries of assertive behavior that you have with others, and the reactive limit-setting boundaries that you also have with others. Let’s look closer…
1. Boundaries with Yourself – These boundaries will give you a more balanced life. One very common tool to use to evaluate your balance in life is the Whole Life Wheel.
Draw a circle about 6 or 7 inches in diameter with another circle about 2 inches in diameter in the center of it. Then draw eight lines, as evenly divided as possible, from the edge of the inner circle to the outer. You should have what looks like a wheel with spokes.
Between each of the spokes write in one the most important areas of your life (i.e.: physical, spiritual, social, vocational, physical environments, personal growth, recreational, etc.). In the center write what you believe your life purpose is.
When you live according to your purpose, everything revolves around that; your purpose is expressed in all arenas of your life. You can use the wheel to inventory your life and set boundaries with yourself if you find areas that come up unsatisfactory. Simply reset your goals and do some re-prioritizing to get the balance that you desire.
Remember that balance is seldom ever perfected, but rather, an ongoing re-adjustment. If you find that you are giving up your balance due to a relationship, you may want to re-evaluate the relationship and your behavior. That is often an early warning sign of some oncoming dysfunction.
2. Proactive Boundaries – When you make a request, or express a need or want, you are being proactive with your boundaries. You are not waiting to react.
Instead, you are being forthright in stating and choosing what it is you want and desire in your life. This all comes from knowing your values and living according to your integrity.
Being assertive means not only saying “No” to what you don’t want (reactive boundaries), but more so, saying what you do want proactively. Want the aisle seat? Ask for it. Want a booth instead of a table? Ask for it. Want less ice, or no ice? Ask for it. You get the idea, right??
Know your purpose and values; and know what your goals and desires; then go for it with assertive, proactive boundaries.
3. Reactive Boundaries – When someone does something that is intrusive, inappropriate, or abusive towards you, it is your responsibility (the “ability to respond”) to set an appropriate boundary to protect yourself.
This may simply mean leaving the situation or distancing yourself from it; letting the person know what happened and what you want differently; and/or just simply letting them know that the behavior is unacceptable. Avoid explaining or complaining, and just state what was done and what you want, or remove yourself from the situation.
One common issue I hear from people is how their work environments have people with negative energy and/or inappropriate behavior. Because it is their work, they often feel as if they can do nothing about it. I disagree, totally. You always have at least three choices:
1. You can ask to get promoted, transferred, or you can leave your job.
2. You can learn and implement assertive people-management skills and tactics to create boundaries and protect your energy.
3. You can put your focus elsewhere. Creative visualization and other positive stimuli can offset some degree of toxic or unhealthy people in your environment.
The minute you believe that you have no other choices, the chances are that you will feel, and stay, stuck. Always see the options and choices that you DO have so you keep your power.
What does this have to do with a tripod? A tripod has three legs that can balance and carry a large load, as long as the legs are all stable. These legs are the three boundary dynamics in your life: your internal boundaries with yourself, and both your proactive and reactive boundaries with others.
Keep those in order and you will be able to enjoy a fulfilling and passionate life!
Wishing you a VERY fulfilling and passionate life!!