All of us know what it’s like – dealing with that angry boss who seems to get angry too fast and too often. He or she expects tasks to be performed within unreasonable deadlines, and completely discounts the fact that you also do need quality time away from work.
You of course have the option of resorting to outright confrontation, and this could possibly lead to verbal sparring and angry outbursts. The worst case scenario is that you could end up quitting or conversely, you might be asked to leave.
Control your own Behaviour
The first thing you have to realize is that the only person whose actions you can control and direct is your own. Don’t even bother trying to change other people – they will probably only end up disliking you for it.
You can, however, direct some of the more potentially heated confrontations by adapting a non-confrontational attitude. Be clear, firm and assertive without resorting to loud or aggressive acts yourself. In most instances, this can already work to cool the heads of people involved.
Good communication
It cannot be emphasized enough the importance of clear communication. This means the ability to speak clearly without being ambiguous or leaving the potential of being misunderstood.
While it means avoiding rude, angry or emotional outbursts, it also means not resorting to the opposite but equally unhelpful means of communication. This includes sulking, unreasonable silence, and a too-obvious avoidance of your boss. Many times, the best strategy is really keeping to the middle ground.
Learning how to communicate effectively is a skill like any other. Thus, it can be learned and developed. Over time, it can help to define a better working relationship with other people.
Put yourself in his shoes
Perhaps your boss is dealing with some conflict in his own life, or is resolving some troubles of his own. Granted, this really isn’t a valid reason for him to lash out at you or anyone else who might not have anything to do with his problems. However, it does help if you understand that your boss is human too, and that he has problems of his own to deal with.
If anything, it can pave the way for a more empathetic interaction where you do not unduly discount what might actually be very important to another person. Hence, don’t bring problems to his or her attention when he is obviously wrestling with difficulties of his own. He won’t likely be inclined to be generous.
And when you do approach him, be sure that you have reasoned out your arguments well enough to be able to rationally address any objections he might raise. Not only can this prevent you from getting hostile, but it can also help him to see your value as an employee – regardless of his personal problems, and why you deserve a raise, a promotion, or the right to be heard in a matter in which you feel strongly about.
Compromise
This can mean an agreement to disagree. This can also mean that you agree not to pursue issues that can no longer be resolved. Ultimately, this means that you have to learn to be comfortable with the fact that you cannot please everybody, and that some problems cannot be resolved. This is no reason to beat yourself up over it.
At its most basic, assertive behaviour involves successfully dealing with potentially conflicting situations. It means that you can resolve conflict, or if not resolve them outright, or that you can compromise with another person or find a middle ground without either party suffering from undue consequences.
Seen from a broader perspective, however, assertiveness is also a means of personal development. Many of us usually prefer subsuming our own rights and needs just to avoid conflict. An equally good number of people would rather keep quiet and prefer to submit to the demands of loud and aggressive people because we do not like the alternative of conflict-ridden situations or outright fighting.
Good communication can diffuse potential conflict
First off, it would be helpful for you to recognize abusive, controlling or manipulative behaviour for what they are. The reason many people prefer not to assert themselves is because they are sometimes accused of overreacting. Though this can be a valid response to our expression of our own needs, this does not diminish our right to refuse.
By all means, express yourself, and express your disapproval or refusal to do something that another person asks you to, but don’t shout or scream it back at the person.
Speak in a tone that is calm, cool and collected. This enables you to keep your head and gives you the space to formulate reasoned arguments just in case you might be called to account. Of course, you are not expected to justify your decisions, much less to try to explain to other people why, for instance, you are not responsible for finishing their work or perform errands for them. After all, you have responsibilities of your own.
But sometimes, being able to successfully communicate can also help to pave the way for a more meaningful and fruitful relationship with others.
How does this work? By calmly explaining to another the reason for your disagreement or refusal, you lay down your points in a non-emotional manner. Many individuals who act in an abrasive or aggressive way often do so without realizing it. By showing them that you are not simply being contrary but do have valid reasons for your actions, it can often serve as a check on their own behaviour.
It’s a mild form of “walking in another person’s shoes” – when the other person realizes that you have your own demands, needs, and opinions which are equally valid and important as their own needs. Many times, this can be sufficient for others to stop throwing their weight around too much.
Good communication can clarify your own values
What if it doesn’t work and another person becomes even more demanding? Remember that you can only successfully control your own actions. You cannot control the actions of another person. If they choose to be angry or difficult, then let them be.
Ultimately, the greater benefit for you is the clarification of your own needs. When you express your personal values in a clear and rational manner, you gain the benefit of a good solid grasp on your own values. You define your own boundaries and your limits. This inner clarification is sometimes a greater advantage in the long run than blindly resisting the manipulative or coercive behavior of other people.
Even the best of us has one of those days – or a memory of one of those days when we dread going to work – not because we don’t want to work, but because the sheer thought of having to deal with one personality is enough to exhaust and drain us of energy.
Yep, the bully you were scared of back in your childhood days seems to have grown up, too. Unfortunately, they didn’t seem to have changed. And now they haunt your working days just as badly as they haunted your school days.
Assertive Behaviour in the face of the Workplace Bully
Successfully dealing with the workplace bully sometimes leads to the intervention of the company or organization’s personnel and human resources department. Also sometimes it can be more effectively dealt with, on a more personal level. It makes sense that if you report negative bullying attitude to the appropriate higher-ups, you have the help and support of company policies on inter-office management.
Human relationships being what it is might likely get adverse reactions from the rest of your workmates for being a “snitch.” Now this may be an unjustified observation, but it can happen. And because it is so probable, you might want to consider that perhaps the best way of dealing with the conflicts surrounding you is by learning to assert your rights on your own.
Assertiveness is a learned skill
Being assertive means that you stand up for your rights even in the face of what are controlling or manipulative behaviors from others.
Being assertive also means that you are can freely and honestly express your opinions and feelings about a particular situation without the fear of reprisals or being punished because of such honesty.
The important thing to remember is that assertiveness is a learned skill. Thus, if you lack assertiveness, you can and probably should learn it. You’ll find that each assertive act only serves to reinforce your assertive “muscles,” so to speak.
The backbone of good assertive behavior is your own appreciation of your personal rights. These are rights which others should also respect. Thus:
- You have the right to say “no” when somebody asks you to do something which you are either not responsible for, or something that you judge is asking too much from you
- You are not responsible for other people’s problems and it is not your duty to solve them
- You have the right to express your disagreement or difference of opinion from others without being punished for such self-expression
In many ways, a good grasp and understanding of your own rights, and the rights of others is a fine starting point for a confident expression of those rights. You express these rights in how you deal with others and in how you express yourself, especially in how you act in conflict situations. Just be mindful in your manner of self-expression and see that you don’t cross the line into aggressive behavior instead.
The consistent application of assertive behavior can be a rewarding experience in itself. Not only will you be able to breathe easier after having been able to express your own opinions and feelings, but you might find that most people actually appreciate you better for knowing how to draw healthy boundaries in your working relationships with them.
