Assertiveness

Intimidators control us by making us fear. They keep us from asking for anything or from controlling them in any way, by making us afraid to approach them. They do this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and perhaps even physical violence. They use our fear and self-doubt to control us.

For intimidators the others are always wrong and they have every “right” to punish them. They are simultaneously the police, judge, jury and execution squad.

Another benefit they gain from this role, is that they never have to look at themselves or change anything about themselves, as “they are perfect” and the others are all wrong.

4. They also, by making us fear us, seek to get want they want from us.

Some combine the role of the victim and the intimidator and thus get the double benefit being right for two reasons. The misconception here is that whoever is the victim is right and whoever is angry is right.

Thus, in order to cope with the intimidators in our lives, we will need to overcome our fear. This fear has its basis in childhood when a shouting parent was a real threat for many reasons. First of all, there might be punishment and thus emotional or physical pain. Secondly, all our security and survival were dependent on this person who was shouting and intimidating us. Thirdly, if this person was shouting in such a belittling way, this must mean that we are wrong, evil, a bad child, and thus not worthy of love and respect.
Now, even as full grown adults our subconscious reaction tends to be fear and self-doubt when someone shouts at, accuses or intimidates us. I have seen comic situations a small sized woman intimidate a man twice her size with her threats.

LEARNING TO BE FREE AND LOVING
WITH “INTIMIDATORS”

Some of the beliefs, which create our negative emotions, might be:

a. I am in danger, I could be hurt.
b. My survival is being threatened.
c. Something horrible could happen.
d. I am wrong, unworthy since whoever shouts must be right and whomever is being shouted at must be wrong.
e. I cannot protect myself from this person.
f. I am weak and unable to protect my needs and beliefs.
g. Better to give in and have peace than stand up for what I need or believe.
h. I am the victim in this situation.
I. I must protect myself from this person.

We need to get free from emotions which:

1. Cause us to fear and give power to the intimidators.
2. Cause us to lose our peace of mind and our love for them.

Here a list of some frequent emotions we have when dealing with persons playing the role of the intimidator and affirmations which will help us maintain our strengthen and love.

Note:
These lists are in no way complete. Be open to unlimited other possibilities and all their aspects.

1. Fear (threatened)

Even though until now I feared when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).
2. Self-doubt (unworthy, guilt, shame)

Even though until now I felt self-doubt when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

3. Injustice (hurt, pain, bitter)

Even though until now I felt injustice when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

4. Humiliation,(rejection, demeaned)

Even though until now I felt humiliation when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

5. Anger (rage, hate)

Even though until now I felt anger when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

A possible ideal way of interacting with an Intimidator

I would like to be able to overcome my fears and sit calmly until the other’s rage has subsided while I remember that I am not in danger and that he is unhappy. The more he shouts the more I will feel compassion for him because he seems even more unhappy. I will try to understand what he really needs in this moment. I will seek to understand what fear is causing him to react in this way so I can help him feel safe and secure with me.
When he has calmed down, I will explain that I have no intention of hurting him or making him unhappy. However, if I do not fulfill my needs, I will be unhappy and will harbor negative feelings towards him. I will suggest that we try again to discuss the subject and make a list of what each of us needs and discuss how we can both be happy in this situation.
I will also explain that I have no intention of giving in because he is shouting. I could however make numerous compromises out of love for him, if he would express what he needs from me.

Possible positive beliefs

a. I am safe in secure in every situation.
b. Nothing can ever happen to me, which is not exactly what I need for my spiritual growth.
c. This person is my teacher which life has placed before me.
d. He is unhappy and afraid, or else he would not be acting in this way.
e. Behind his angry and threatening appearance hides a fearful and hurt child.
f. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.

A possible I-message to an Intimidator

“I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens, I back down from confrontation with you. I retreat suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens, I lose my self-respect and feel injustice and then angry with you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.
“With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect.
“I have decided to try to overcome my fear and be more honest with you. I am going to try to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me.
“I would like to ask for your help with this effort.
“I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want together. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.
“How do you feel about this idea?”

Persuasion is easier to apply during a conversation between two people, as opposed to communicating in front of a group. This is because in a person-to-person setting, the opportunity to better understand the point of view of the other party exists. You can nitpick and delve into every single detail, as opposed to speaking to an audience, where the interaction is usually one sided.
In this kind of setting, it is possible for you and the other person to reach a compromise that would bring the best probable value for both of you. You may even want to change your stance while you’re at it. In short, person-to-person conversations are so open and flexible that it allows not just you to change course, but also allow you to alter another person’s mindset.
How do you get the most out of person-to-person interactions?
Have Patience
Persuasion may not happen on your first try – or even the second, the third, or the fourth. There are times that a certain idea has to be pondered on and assessed more deeply and critically, that to be too aggressive in getting acceptance might only ruin chances of a good deal. We’ve been through this situation before. How many times have we been told, “If you try to push me one more time, I will have to turn you down”?
Effective persuasion requires skill, not annoying pushiness. If you are sensitive enough to know the symptoms of agreement or submission, you will be able to steer the conversation to a point where you have the opportunity to persuade. If the other party doesn’t seem to be leaning toward your idea and his or her body language shows it, then you should know better to try at another time instead.
Stop Yourself From Rebutting Too Much
One of the greatest mistakes of persuasiveness is your penchant to answer back and rebut. We often try to pretend to listen to another person’s idea, which we do not really agree to, when in fact, what we are doing is preparing for a rebuttal to his or her statements. No matter how discreet you try to be at this, the other party will eventually notice that you are zoned out and will do the same to you when it’s your turn to give your ideas.
What ensues is a discussion that has two levels: one that is verbal and obvious, and one that is based on underlying meanings and subliminal banter. You may be able to prove your point and so will the other person, but nobody really wins.
Nobody can successfully persuade if the conversation is just based on a subliminal battle. When you’re trying to sell something, this will be your deal killer. In a friendship, this is what will burn bridges. This habit is very undesirable. Try to stop yourself every time you feel inclined to do so.
To effectively persuade another person, you have to truly believe in what you are saying. Intellectual honesty and genuine concern for other people will give you that persuasive edge. If you don’t feel passionate enough, the other party will notice it and will not be convinced. It’s not likely that you will be able to successfully sell an idea you have feel no passion about.
In addition, you can’t be effective at persuasion if you are not open to being persuaded also. Remember, you’re not the only one who is trying to get your point heard. In a person-to-person setting, the other party is also seeking to win you over to his or her side.
In order to persuade, you must be sincere. Aside from that, you also need to effectively communicate your emotions and thoughts. You can do this not just by saying the right things, but also by employing the proper assertive behavior and body language. Thus, if you want to improve your persuasion skills, don’t be a drag. Be open-minded and show it.

Each year, hundreds of millions of people jot a letter of complaint. Since you are one of the crowd, you’ll want your letter to gain attention. Place yourself in the position of the person getting your letter and recall that your goal is not to vengeance or to vent your righteous anger, but to get win-win results.
The best way to get a desired outcome is to make your letter concise, factual, and reasonable. Oh and yes- rib-tickling humor doesn’t hurt either. Write a letter of complaint about:
1. collection/financial/ordering errors
2. kids and/or pets: misbehavior/damage by
3. neighborhood problems: unkempt property/ loud noises/disturbance
4. holdup: late reply/shipment/refund/merchandise/supplies/ payment
5. staff: incompetent/rude/inappropriate behavior
6. governmental problems: high taxes/unfair laws/pending bills
7. goods: defective/damaged/dangerous/missing parts, instructions, or warranties
8. blunder, misunderstandings, personal errors
9. policies: unfavorable/restrictive/discriminatory
10. institutional: undeserved reprimands/undesirable programs
11. alleged fraud, misleading advertising, unfair practices, discrimination
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty on powerful letters of complaints
1. Assert the problem plainly, concisely, and reasonably: what it is, when you observed it, how it has hassled you, what you have done, and what needs to be prepared to correct it.
2. Provide all vital facts: date and place of acquisition, sales slip number, thorough account of product or service, serial or model number, amount paid, name of clerk who performed the service or sold you the item/gave you the wrong information, your account number or credit card number, account of previous communication.
3. Present inclusive and accurate names and addresses, both your own and the person to whom you are writing. Also incorporate your home and work phone numbers.
4. Incorporate appropriate documentation such as sales slips, warranties or guarantees, previous communication, copies of pictures of damaged item, repair or service orders, canceled checks, contracts, paid invoices.
5. Inform why you think it’s key that the complaint be taken care of and affirm plainly what you require from the person or company. Demand a reasonable, possible resolution.
6. Propose a deadline for the action demanded.
7. Should your complaint involve an incident with an impudent sales clerk, another driver, a cantankerous or intimidating stranger, include the date and time of the incident, the name of person involved, where it occurred, names of witnesses, and any other noteworthy particulars.
9. In finishing, articulate your assurance that the matter will be taken care of to your satisfaction.
10. Shun derision, finger pointing, abuse, recriminations, blaming, crass remarks, and emotional outbursts. You will only provoke the very person who is in the best position to help you. Off-putting letters are not only futile, they also make you look silly.
11. Never threaten to sue. Blustering is generally recognized as a bluff; people who are really going to sue leave this declaration to their lawyer. You might say that you will elevate the case to small claims court. This is one probable way of achieving a swift, inexpensive resolution.
12. Never hint for freebies or “compensation” beyond your dues.

Communication fundis estimate that women get through about 20 000 expressions in a day but men only work their way through some 7000-odd.  Given these numbers, one would expect that women could constructively employ some of these words to ask for what they want and these utterances could be backed by an array of assertive expressions.

Although women’s liberation has been around for over 150 years, even the thought of having to be demanding suddenly transforms some talkative women into the ‘females of the speechless’.  This is one of the primary reasons women earn less than men.  In the US, researchers claim that if a male and female professional start at a salary of $35 000, over their careers, the man will earn $2 million more because he negotiates every salary increase.

Too often women appear to be grateful for the crumbs they are left and even high powered female execs fall into this trap. Many businesswomen in senior positions don’t seem too perturbed that their salaries are not on par with their male counterparts.  Even the head of a department told me that she had declined an annual increase in favour of her male subordinates sharing her department’s allocation.  When I asked her why she had done this, she cackled at her own inability to find a reasonable reason.

Settling is not something that comes naturally to women; it is a symptom of the learnt self-sacrificing behaviour that is so ingrained in females that many even consider it noble.  But what’s so noble about exhaustion, struggling against poverty or smiling sweetly in the wings while others perform centre-stage to get what they want?  No matter how much one sacrifices, life doesn’t reward quiet, pretty little martyrs.  It only coughs up for those who know what they want and are prepared to go out and get it.

Feeling that one doesn’t deserve success, riches or even happiness is purely a side-effect of the scam of self-sacrifice and it can extend to life’s minutiae.  Have you noticed how women usually leave the last cookie or muffin on a serving plate?  So if we’re prepared to sacrifice ourselves over something as insignificant as a drooping scone, it’s no wonder females suffer from depression.

The notion of being demanding is something women approach with ambivalence because the idea of being hell-bent on getting what one wants rubs up against the life-long belief that female power comes from being liked. For men the ’likeability factor’ has little impact, somehow it’s both expected and accepted that at some point he’s going to behave like an ass.

Although many women are tough, the belief lives on that the fairer-sex should be nice and in the UK, a toning down programme has been launched for ‘Bully Broads’.  This programme teaches ball-breakers to be ‘ladies first’.  When putting ideas forward, it encourages strong women to speak softly, to hesitate or stammer and, if necessary, to cry in meetings.  One can only presume that this behaviour softens the blow real women deliver when truly speaking their minds afterwards.

Of course bullies of either gender are tiresome, but instead of training women to go backwards it would be more helpful for females to become masterful negotiators.  True negotiation produces a ‘win –win’ solution and for anyone wanting to get their own way, it is the most powerful means of doing so.

Men often scupper female negotiators by accusing them of over-reacting or being emotional.  This underhand male habit can derail a female opponent, so women need to learn to counteract this form of stone-walling.  Blatantly pointing out to him that his tactic is geared towards deflecting attention from the real issues is usually enough to put the kibosh on this line of manipulation.

The biggest drawback females have in negotiation is our penchant for nattering. If a successful outcome is what you want, keep one imperative in mind; whoever talks the most will lose.  So instead of justifying your stance, ask lots of awkward questions and let your opponent babble away, giving you time to do the thinking.  To enhance one’s negotiation skills it’s always worth remembering what the Roman playwright, Seneca, once remarked:  ‘When I think over what I’ve said, I envy dumb people.’

The genteel way to apologize is to assert that you mourn a specific offense. Offer to convey amends or, if amends seem definitely called for, proclaim your intention of making amends as well as specify how you will do this. If you’re uncertain how best to deal with the situation, explain several possible solutions and solicit which the person fancies.
Guarantee the person that this will never occur again. In a business circumstance, if it concerns a predicament you were oblivious of, thank the writer or caller for bringing it to your awareness and finish the letter by asking for sustained patronage. Avoid the overly dramatic by using cop-outs such as (”You will almost certainly never want to see me again after what I did,” “I wish I were hit by a truck after the way I behaved last week,” or “I am so, so, so feeling bad about it all.”).
As you craft an apology letter, keep your letter free of guilt-inspired soul twisting and agonizing; it is awkward and unappealing for the reader. Assert your apology clearly and concisely. Reread your apology to make sure you are not involuntarily implying that the other person is at fault; some people’s ” admission of guilt ” rings more like an accusation. Particularly in a business context, it is better not to write at all than to imply the customer is at fault. With a little cleverness, it is possible to articulate regret about a situation without accepting accountability for it if it’s not your fault.
Never blame clerical slips on computers (”A computer error/mishap was responsible for the delay in payments.”). Most people are aggravated by this excuse. Furthermore, avoid saying that these things are bound to happen from time to time. Although this may be true, saying so signifies that the company policy may be more disposed to gross leniency than vigorous action.
Shun a grudging attitude; if you are going to act contrite, do so gladly and wholeheartedly.
Never acknowledge that the company was negligent. If negligence is a factor, confert with your lawyer, who will suggest the best approach to take in your letter.
4 Smooth Tips to Write a Letter of Apology:
1. Jot down as soon as possible after the occasion. Be brief, straightforward, and genuine. Confess the fault straight away, express regret, and sign off. Apologize only for the specific issue.
2. Shun trying to justify the error or behavior, although in some cases, a clarification could accompany your apology. At other times, however, an explanation may weaken or invalidate your apology. This is particularly true when you attempt to explain why you were uncouth. In certain cases, a brief and sincere apology (maybe with chocolates) is better than any rationalization.
3. When apologizing for a business quandary, the aim is to right the wrong (or the perceived wrong) while turning a disappointed customer into one who will persist to deal cheerfully with you. Most customers cherish n honest, liberal, and tactful response.
4. Emotionally put yourself in the other person’s place to determine the type of apology or other actions that would be proper if your positions were reversed.

Do you take care of others so much that you forget to take care of yourself? Suppose your friend asks you to pick up her dry cleaning one day. You do not mind because it is along your commute and it feels good to help someone. However, a week later she asks for the same favor and you accept the invitation. Before you know it, you are picking up your friend’s dry cleaning weekly out of habit, without even realizing it is not your responsibility. You have taken it on as if it is your responsibility. You decide you are tired of participating but are uncertain how to make a change.Out of fear that the friendship could become strained, you choose not to say anything. You probably do not want to hurt her feelings or you might be uncomfortable with asserting yourself. Your feelings remain unspoken for a few weeks, months or years. You finally say something when you reach your breaking point. At that point, what you say comes with intense anger, rather than honesty.Your friend cannot understand why you are so angry because when she initially asked for your help, you willingly agreed. Even when she asked if you could continue to pick up her dry cleaning, you stated it was no problem. Naturally your friend is feeling confused and you are still feeling upset. You realize that it is truly time for a change.You could have avoided getting frustrated and feeling taken advantage of if you would have honestly communicated with your friend when you started to feel resentment. When you continue to help others due to your fear of saying no or to evade your own life is when it is best to have a sincere conversation. Though it may seem daunting, the conversation is empowering for both parties involved: It allows you to respect yourself and focus on meeting your own needs; it allows your friend to take personal responsibility. There is also an opportunity for a stronger bond to form between you and your friend when you overcome this challenge.Living for others encompasses more than doing tasks for others. You might also go along with group desires rather than expressing your own ideas. You might have gone into a specific profession to follow in the footsteps of another or because it afforded a stable living. In these instances you are sacrificing your dreams and neglecting to meet your needs. When you choose not to meet your own needs, you are left feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. You will then often look for ‘the next best thing’ in hopes to fill your void. Living authentically fills your void naturally because you are living the life you intentionally created. A life such as this brings meaning which rejuvenates the soul.Do for others only after you have taken care of yourself. When you put the needs of others before your own, you neglect your own. Just as the flight attendant states to do in case of an emergency: Put on your own mask before assisting someone else. You cannot truly help someone if you have not first helped yourself.

It is tough having to deal with someone who abuses you and even more so when the person has extra authoritative power then you.
If the verbal and other forms of mental abuse begin to get really serious and even approach physical abuse, then the issue can become legal. I have heard that people are trying to pass legislation in an American state that disallows workplace abuse. However, unfortunately just about all laws do not take into account verbal workplace conflict so you’ve got to learn how to handle bullies by yourself for your own happiness and well-being.
Most people who lack the communication skills to deal with a bad boss either:
1. Endure the bullying and intimidation in fear thinking their job is at risk if they address their boss about the problem.
2. Face their boss about the problem but do so incorrectly. It’s quite common for the problem to then intensify.
Enduring the Bullying
The absolute last thing you want to do when being abused by anyone is accept the abuse.
You have got to stick up for yourself in an assertive manner otherwise your confidence, happiness, and in this situation, your work will suffer. People who receive aggressive behavior that is not correctly handled have been known to develop serious physical problems such as strokes, heart attacks, suicide, migraines, escalated stress levels, insomnia, and terrifying nightmares. One person who will remain anonymous often dreamt her boss pointing a gun at employees so they would complete their work.
The first listed reaction to a bullying boss is a passive response. You forgo your own person needs while your boss happily tramples over you.
The most common reason for accepting intimidation from others is the fear of repercussions if you stick up for yourself. In a work situation and especially with someone who has authoritative power, you probably do not defend yourself in fear of losing your job. This fear I believe is real because when most people stick up for themselves, they do so in an aggressive manner causing negative results which you’ll soon see more about below.
These passive people forgo their own needs, are dominated by others, and live in massive amounts of frustration as their anger is bottled up inside. They do not have the effective communication skills to address the problem thinking they must accept what happens and live with the intimidation hoping the abusive person stops bullying.
It’s a win for the bully and a loss for you.
Bullying the Bully – Poorly Addressing the Problem
The second listed reaction but not limited to a bullying boss is an aggressive response. These people usually have more confidence then the passive lot and are willing to defend themselves. They see that in order to get what they want they must retaliate. It becomes fire against fire. A fight starts as the two of you take to a verbal boxing ring mentally beating out each others minds.
People may become aggressive for several reasons:
- They were abused by their parents at an early age and placed under emotional trauma.
- They are mentally ill. I’m not referring to a jokingly mental illness but someone who has a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia or a personality disorder.
- They think the only way to stop someone else’s abusive behavior is to abuse them back.
- The aggression is a release of anger often caused from responding passively like the first situation. This type of behavior is otherwise known as passive-aggressive behavior where the person is frequently passive but randomly explodes their frustration and anger onto others. After the occasional and often unexpected outburst, the person sinks back to his/her passive behavior.
- The person is experiencing high pressure creating stress and then aggression. This type of aggressive behavior is common in work environments.
- An aggressive boss maybe trying to prove his toughness, control, discipline, or results-focus to superiors through his/her behavior.
- While aggression in the workplace may create the necessary level of productivity, it is strongly related to a high turnover rate said to be an average of 1.5 years and other commitment problems such as increased days off and loss of passion in the employee towards work. It can create unproductive employees as they “hide” by staying under the radar seeking to comply yet they do nothing that stands out that could potentially bring them attention.
The aggressive communication being exchanged between two people becomes a loss for them both.
Techniques to Deal with a Bad Boss
So the question remains, how do I face an abusive boss in an assertive manner?
Depending on the situation, occasional aggressive behavior can be definitely welcomed. In order for the aggressive behavior to be successful it must be expressed appropriately and constructively. You could even say this constructive type of aggression is like assertive communication which must be your goal if you are to not respond passively like the first situation and aggressively like the second situation.
There are several assertive communication techniques you can use to stop the bullying, stop your fear, build your self-confidence, and actually create a nice working relationship with your boss. This is the power of assertive skills.
Before approaching your boss about the problem, ask yourself “What can I change in my behavior to solve the aggression?” What you are doing is owning your behavior and not blaming your boss for what you have control over. It creates personal responsibility within you and helps prevent you from blaming your problems on your boss. Sometimes analyzing yourself and solving the problem may actually stop the aggression.
You need to be calm but at the same time responsive. Once you do this first step, you will almost completely remove your aggressive communication which can also help reduce your boss’ aggressive communication. Fire needs some sort of fuel to stay alight and what you are doing by being calm but responsive is you are removing psychological fuel from your boss’ aggressive fire. Being calm isn’t enough as it can show that you’re ignoring your boss. Only being calm and not responsive hurts in showing empathy and diffusing the boss’s emotions. You do not want to ignore an angry boss!
Have the right mindset of resolving the problem at hand. When faced with a difficult person it is easy to want to be only right. Acknowledge that you may need to comprise yourself to progress forward with this problem. Drop your pride and be the first one to step forward towards problem resolution.
Now that you’ve learned these techniques it’s time to approach your boss. You need to find the best time to address your boss. Do not try and solve this problem in a high emotional situation. You may need to wait till the end of the day or even end of the week until you think you can approach your boss.
What you are doing by asking for their point of view first, you are able to see things through their perception which may give you a whole new side to the story. It will help you understand and even help your boss understand why he is aggressive. Your boss will begin to feel understood by you when you actively listen which can lead to a tonne of great things such as him feeling your empathy, knowing you care, having less intense emotions, and be more willing to change. By practicing good listening skills you are using the secret of persuasion.
After your boss has made suggestions, you can then give your ideas to solve the problem. Keep calm and stay focused on resolving the problem. Ask for your boss’s feedback as you suggest ideas. You are making it a joint solution which will give both of you a greater total level of satisfaction.
As you are talking, take note of the positive points your boss does show in his behavior and compliment him on these. You are attempting to keep the conversation positive as solving a problem can seem negative even though it is actually good that you are trying to remove the problem!
Using these techniques to communicate assertively will reduce your boss’ aggressive behavior. You will no longer have an unproductive and unhappy working relationship. You’ll develop a more productive and possibly joyful working relationship for your own good and your organization’s good. Who would have thought you could have an enjoyable relationship with an aggressive boss.

There are two groups of scenarios where having the assertive communication skills to say “no” while being respected are much needed. I’m sure you would like to say “no” in both of these common scenarios yet you just cannot bring yourself to say it for several possible reasons.
The first group of scenarios involves someone asking for a favor that requires a type of resource from you such as money or time. This situation is non-threatening and often gets you to carry out the task because of your guilt, passiveness, or inability to take a stance. Here a few examples of these scenarios:
- A charity worker has rang you up on the phone, knocked on your door, or stopped you on the street and kindly asked you for a donation. You don’t have enough money to give them a donation.
- You have been asked to put in some overtime at work but you need to be home before your partner leaves the house so you can take care of the kids.
- Your child who is struggling with an assignment that is due tomorrow asks for your assistance. You are in the middle of an important conference call and afterwards you need to write a follow up report for the meeting tomorrow morning.
This first type of scenario involves you having the incapacity to fulfill what is being asked of you. It is not that you would not like to help someone else, but it is that you simply cannot help because of poor time, financial resources, or mental incapacity. Despite our lack of emotional and physical resources we still have a tendency to try and do-it-all.
The second common scenario where it is extremely helpful to say “no” is in a more threatening situation than the first type of scenarios. It involves your unwillingness and reluctancy to carry out the action that is requested of you. This common scenario is about being coerced into doing something against your will. The follow examples are similar as the first scenario but your personal situation this time is different:
- A charity worker is in contact with you requesting a donation yet this time you are unwilling to give them a donation because you dislike how they use donations in their work and giving a contribution feels like a waste.
- You have been asked to put in some overtime at work but you really don’t want to. Maybe your partner has asked you to take the kids out or you have got so much paper work to sought through at home and it is piling up like the Eiffel Tower and tilting like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. You have other things to do but they aren’t important.
- Your child who is struggling with an assignment that is due tomorrow asks for your assistance. You have spare time on your hands but you feel you need to let your child take responsibility for not having worked on the assignment at an earlier time.
In the second group of scenarios you have the time and monetary resources to donate but you say “no” because of your unwillingness to engage in the activity. You find saying “no” is extremely difficult because of peer pressure, intimidation, fear, or a concern for being seen as a weak.
Now that you have learned the most common scenarios you need to assert yourself, you can learn the appropriate communication skills to safely express yourself in those situations.

Those that subscribe to an aggressive style to produce results may well deliver the goods in the short term. However, over the long term, team members will feel disrespected, become demoralized and look for opportunities outside the organisation. The longer term outcome is a steady decline in results as attrition rates climb, which also affects members of related departments as they see their colleagues being victims of aggressive or bullying behaviour. Such behaviour is a common career derailer, particularly for those in senior positions or those who are highly ambitious.
At the other end of the spectrum are passive managers. Managers who fail to assert themselves have a similar, negative impact on morale and productivity. Passive managers can be indecisive, poor mentors, uninspiring and equally as damaging as Mr. Aggressive. Team members working for a passive manager may find it hard to gain support for their ideas and initiatives, be uncertain about where their focus should be and concerned about the ability of their manager to represent their needs and concerns at senior level.
Assertive managers are able to lead, direct and motivate without the need to bang the table, play the dictator or criticize their direct reports. Some managers however, hesitate to embrace assertiveness because they mistakenly equate it to aggressive behaviour. Assertiveness and aggression are two entirely different things. Whilst aggression is emotional and counter-productive, assertiveness is all about clarity of communication and intent. An assertive statement or request has five key elements:
1/ It is not open to misinterpretation.
2/ There is absolute clarity of what the speaker requires from the listener.
3/ It is free of negative or aggressive emotion.
4/ Body language is congruent with the spoken words.
5/ Words used and body language show respect to the receiver.
As well as enabling a manager to give clear, unequivocal direction and leadership, assertiveness has an important role to play in giving positive motivational messages to team members. Compare the following two statements:
“Jim, well done on the ABC company project”.
“Jim, I’m really impressed with the way you concluded the ABC project. Your powers of diplomacy at senior level with the customer where exemplary. Well done”.
Which one will have the greater impact on Jim? The first statement is congratulatory but is more of a throw away comment. It is praise and therefore somewhat motivational, but look at the power of the second statement. It conveys a greater level of appreciation but more than that, also points out a particular skill that Jim has demonstrated. Does Jim know exactly what he excelled at by the second statement? What skill is Jim going to focus on developing further? How much confidence will he have in his powers of diplomacy the next time he is put in critical situation with a customer? This is an example of the positive, motivational power of assertive communication.
On the other side of the coin, managers sometimes need to correct team members’ errors or tackle poor performance. Assertive communication is key in giving constructive feedback to improve performance and provide direction. Consider the two following statements:
“Bob, that report you produced was just a load of waffle. It’s no use to me. Do it again”.
“Bob, the report you produced needs more facts and statistics to be impactful. I would like you to redo it split into three chapters, history of the business to date, current situation and projections up to 2008. Include graphs of revenue and profit in each chapter. I need it to be completed by next Friday. I hope everything is clear but if not, please let me know?”
The first statement merely tells Bob he’s done a bad job and has not met expectations. It tells him nothing about what needs to be done to correct his error. The second statement points out exactly what has gone wrong, what needs to be done and how to put things right. Which statement is the more respectful towards Bob? Which statement is going to help Bob with report writing in the future?
Another situation where assertiveness is essential is the ability to say “no” to requests from colleagues. A frequent complaint from my clients is that they are constantly interrupted by people wandering into their office and wanting time to discuss an issue there and then. Typically they react in one of two ways. One is to say, in an impatient tone of voice, “I’m sorry I’m up to my eyes here. No time. It will have to wait”. [Aggressive]. The other approach is to say, “OK. What’s the problem?” [Passive] In the first instance the person wanting attention goes away feeling that they are unimportant and somewhat offended by the unconditional rejection. In the second, the manager relents and is diverted from the task they were focused on, ending up with impromptu discussions that steal time from priority work.
The assertive manager handles interruptions by saying, “I have some priority tasks I need to deal with right now and I should be finished by lunchtime. If you come back at 2pm we’ll shut the door and you’ll have my full attention. Is that OK?” The assertive response shuts down the interruption but at the same time shows respect for the individual and the issue they want to discuss. Of course, the response that comes back might be, “But it will only take a minute.” The assertive repost is to restate the initial invitation to come back at 2pm making sure that tone and expression match the positive intention of the words.
Body language is also an important component of assertiveness. As any seminar on communication skills will tell you, 70%+ of what people receive from our messages is through body language. In assertive communication both verbal and body language must match to be effective. Keep in mind the following when it comes to assertive body language:

•Friendly facial expression to show respect to the listener. [But be careful not to smile widely when dealing with a serious situation.]
•Maintain eye contact to show that you are actively listening to the other person.
•Adopt a relaxed but upright stance when making your assertive statement.
•Keep your hands in an open position, arms not crossed nor hands clasped in front of you conveying a defensive or apologetic signal.
Whether you are communicating up the hierarchy, downwards or with peers in the organisation, assertiveness in appropriate situations will win you friends and supporters. With practice and when used wisely, assertive behaviour can motivate, reduce communication errors, save time and make for a happier and more productive working environment.