Assertiveness

‘The most destructive element in human mind is fear.

Fear creates aggressiveness’

- Dorothy Simpson

Have you ever, if at all, tried to observe if you are an aggressive or assertive person? Despite the fact that man is naturally endowed with all it takes (and more) to undertake a self appraisal in order to make our individual and collective lives better, hardly do we consciously do this. Assertiveness is one of the basic features of leadership yet a lot of people in leadership positions are aggressive either deliberately or not. Do not get me wrong. You do not have to be at the helm of affairs in one big office to be a leader, but you are always at the helm of your own affairs and no one can take that away. So you too are a leader! Besides, it is natural that we find ourselves leading others at some point or the other. However, whether as a leader or follower, we all relate with others everyday.

In a world where might is right, it may seem appropriate to be aggressive in order to have our ways, but it is not always like that. Some managers, in a bid to assert authority, only succeed in intimidating subordinates, who in an attempt to repel the threat or seeming oppression, end up exhibiting unruly and unbecoming behaviours. But must we continue in such manner that neither gives us the desired peace of mind nor self respect, and infact shuts the door on real and sincere friendship and loyalty? No. This is especially so when there are simpler and better ways of doing these things. And who says adults cannot learn and change their ways? I am confident you will agree with me that every adult knows the difference and is sufficiently equipped to choose that which is right – being assertive.

Assertiveness is simply the ability to express yourself within the limits of your natural rights. Aggressiveness on the other hand, refers to a mode of communication and behavior where one expresses his feelings, needs, and rights without regard or respect for the needs and feelings of others. In some extreme situations, emotional or physical force is applied such that the rights of others do not see the light of day at all. This happens in our homes, between couples, in offices and even among friends. With an aggressive behaviour, the dignity of the other person tends to be trampled upon, distance is created, communication is hampered and relationships suffer. Having injured the ego of the other party, aggressive individuals experience a higher level of stress and this takes away the joy from their seeming triumph. Aggressiveness is an often regretted emotional outburst – only a little better than a physical illness. This is because aggressive individuals suffer a false sense of self righteousness, and a feeling so transient that such people after thinking through usually feel guilty. They thereafter burn inside and out of pride find no one to share the hurt with. This disposition pushes others away, causes them to lose respect for you and in some cases become angry, unfriendly and vengeful. It is possible to be aggressive without realizing it, especially when one is threatened. However, with a conscious effort at deep awareness, it is possible to always be in control of your reaction to any kind of stimuli.

Being assertive, according to Wellness Workbook ( Ryan and Travis), “basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other”. It enables you to put your cards on the table without either hurting the ego of the other party or destroying the chances of future relationships. It earns you a sense of ease; you feel good about yourself, gain more self confidence and even the respect of your colleagues and friends. Being assertive keeps you emotionally balanced such that improves your decision making ability and possibly your chances of getting what you want from life. The learned will agree with me that aggressiveness is caused by some kind of fear; that which comes from ignorance about self and one’s environment, and induces self doubt and lack of confidence. From the understanding of self comes a better appreciation of your world and that around you. It also allows you to be in harmony with yourself and your environment, and rewards you with a sense of security such that you are immunized from feeling threatened in any situation, hence no reason to be aggressive. This self knowledge comes from ‘Emotional Intelligence’.

The concept of Emotional Intelligence is the result of various studies on the role of non cognitive factors in helping people to succeed at work and in life generally. Revolving around the importance of social and emotional abilities for personal success, it is defined as “a form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and action ”(Salovey & Mayer). Emotional Intelligence deals with knowing when and how to express emotion as well as the ability to control it.  According to Salovey, there are five pillars of Emotional Intelligence. The first of these is Self Awareness by which it is meant recognizing a feeling as it happens. This ability is crucial to self understanding because the lack of it leaves one at the mercy of those feelings. Self knowledge provides the necessary tools to pilot one’s life more effectively. Management of Emotions comes next. This is the ability to control feelings and emotions such that response to stimuli at any point in time is appropriate. It relates to the ability to sooth oneself and overcome negative emotions. Its lack leads to feelings of distress and depression.

A good understanding and control of one’s feelings is a precursor for Self Motivation, which leads to self mastery and creativity. People who have this skill tend to be more highly productive and effective in whatever they undertake. Another pillar of emotional intelligence is the fundamental people skill – Empathy. Recognizing emotions in others attunes one to the subtle signals that indicate what others need or want. The last on the list is Relationship Management which in other words refers to managing emotions in others. This skill underpins popularity, leadership and interpersonal effectiveness. People who excel here are social stars.

LAST WORD

It is only expected that people will differ in their mastery of these principles but the brain is eternally pliable, always learning and growing. This means that shortcomings in emotional intelligence can always be improved and built upon. So which would you rather be? Aggressive or Assertive? Besides, studies have revealed that the most successful leaders in world history were warmer, more outgoing, emotionally expressive, dramatic and sociable. It surely pays to be assertive. So why not learn Emotional Intelligence now!

 

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Have you ever really wanted to say no to someone? Perhaps a friend asked you to do something for them, and you just didn’t have time, or had to put something important on the back burner in order to be able to do it. Maybe you wanted to say no to your spouse. A lot of people find themselves in this situation, and while they really want to say no, they don’t.

One reason is the fear that someone will no longer like you, or will think you’re rude, snobby, etc. However, learning how to say no is something we all must do. We simply can’t accommodate everyone all the time. We also must worry about our own needs and desires.

Being assertive is being able to say no in a way that is clear and understandable, while at the same time still caring about the other person’s feelings. It is also being able to communicate and express your desires, wishes and feelings about any area of your life. A person who is a healthy, assertive person is able to do these things without concern that the other person will no longer like them.

A healthy, assertive person is also able to say no, or communicate desires and wishes without feeling self-conscious or guilty for doing it. For example, if your boss continues to place someone else’s work on your desk, day in and day out because the other person is slacking off, you should be able to tell him that you won’t do it.

This doesn’t mean that you want to get angry with your boss, or give him a piece of your mind. You probably do, but being assertive is different from telling someone off. You might say something to him like, “I just can’t take extra work today. I’m very busy with my own work. You will need to find someone else, or perhaps try and get my co-worker to finish up his own work.” Plain and simple. That’s all you had to say, and it didn’t sound rude or disrespectful. You clearly stated that you were not going to take extra work, and you didn’t apologize or act guilty.

When people clearly state their needs and desires in a way that is not rude, or unfriendly, others will understand. Unless they are unreasonable individuals, most people respect and appreciate the fact that you are honest with them, even if your answer is no. A lot of people stay frustrated all the time, because they are unable to communicate their desires and feelings. Marriages end from this reason all the time.

A wife who is tired, who works all day and then comes home to clean the home and do the laundry and all of the other house hold chores will probably be very frustrated if she doesn’t clearly communicate her need for help in that area. This anger and frustration will build and build until there is the potential for a blow up. Think of the poor husband. His wife is going to be morphing into the Hulk right in front of him and he has absolutely no idea why. She should have communicated these things. All she ever had to say was, “Honey, I feel like I could really use some help around the house. Would you mind taking on some of the chores?”

Being assertive is very different from being aggressive. You don’t want to attack the other person. Simply state your needs and desires in a friendly way. You should use assertion when you feel the need to communicate things with another individual. If you are being asked to do something that you just can’t do comfortably, this is the time to be assertive.

You want to look the other person in the eye, keep your facial features relaxed, and state your desires and needs. You don’t have to be rude or mean to another person in order to convey your feelings about something to them. You simply have to be assertive, and have the confidence to follow through with your statement without feeling guilty or low. If more people exercised their right to be assertive, there would be less confusion, and less friction or problems that arise from no communication.



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What exactly is The Art of Saying No?

A lot of people just don’t like the idea of having to tell people they can’t do something. Or they feel obligated when a colleague asks a favour; or feel pressurised when someone senior to them needs something done.

There are even some work places where saying no is definitely frowned upon; and in, say, the police force, could be a sackable or disciplinary offence.

After having worked for some time with people where saying no either feels impossible or just isn’t allowed, we created a body of work to address it. In some cases it is indeed, how to say no without ever saying the word.

Of course, there are times when saying the ‘n’ word is a necessity. But in our experience, there is so much anxiety around the possible consequences of using it, that people don’t say anything at all, or agree to things they’d rather not, or get landed with work that isn’t theirs and so on.

That can’t be good for anyone, but especially the person who finds themselves staying late at the end of the day to get their own work done after they’ve finished everyone else’s; or who swallows their resentment when they are ‘volunteered’ for something they don’t want to do; or who quakes at the idea of having to be a bit tougher with a supplier or even someone they manage.

This is one issue we have felt so passionately about that we even wrote a book that deals with it: The Nice Factor Book (Are you too Nice for your own good?)

This document is going to focus on one aspect of that book, which is about how to say no in a way that’s manageable, deals with the difficult feelings and actually might be some fun. For a more in-depth look, do have a peek at the book.

It’s Not Assertiveness

Impact Factory has been running programmes on The Art of Saying No for nearly seven years and we are often asked what the difference is between our work and assertiveness training. The reason we’ve been asked this is that assertiveness training has been around for some time, and people wonder if this art of saying no business isn’t just more of the same.

Well, no it isn’t, and here’s why.

We believe the very term ‘assertiveness’ is limiting. For instance, people say you should be assertive rather than aggressive, as if assertiveness is the only way to deal with a difficult situation. It isn’t. If you are being attacked or abused, then aggressively fighting back may well be an appropriate thing to do. The key word here is appropriate.

So yes, aggressiveness may be appropriate, assertiveness may be appropriate, but there’s a greater range of choice of behaviour than those two types that could be equally appropriate.

Before we discuss them, though, we want to talk about some of the things that happen to people when what they think and feel is different from what they do.

Many ‘unassertive’ people recognise that their pattern of behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer than they really want to until they reach the point of no longer being able to hold it in; then they explode nastily and inappropriately all over whoever happens to be around.

There are three ways this ‘explosion’ can happen. The first is that the rage happens inside the head and remains unexpressed. The second is that it is inappropriately expressed, and someone not involved, like a work colleague or secretary or even a bus conductor, becomes the recipient. The third is properly directed at the ‘offending party’ but is out of all proportion to the probably small, but nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes it.

Not Nice Not Nasty

This leaves people with the impression that there are only two states or behaviours they can do: Nice or Nasty. When, in fact, they have forgotten a whole range of behaviour that lies between Nice and Nasty that can be termed Not-Nice (or even Not-Nasty).

What we’ve seen with assertiveness, is that it is often seen as a single form of behaviour: just say no, stand your ground, be a broken record – all quite difficult if you are truly unassertive, or in our jargon – simply too nice for your own good. The concept of asserting yourself, (getting your voice heard, being understood, being taken into account, getting your own way) needs to be broadened to include all forms of behaviour. It can include humour, submission, irresponsibility, manipulation, playfulness, aggressiveness, etc.

The key point here is that the behaviour – nice, not-nice, nasty – is chosen. We emphasise the word key, because until people are able to choose behaviour that’s free from the limiting effects of their fear of possible consequences, they will not be able to act no matter how well they are taught to be assertive. They will still feel overwhelmed in difficult situations.

Managing Feelings

It needs to be acknowledged that the strong feelings associated with changing behaviour are real and valid. Once people do that, then these (usually difficult) feelings can be looked upon as a good thing, a sign that something new is happening. At this point people can start to ‘choose’ to have these feelings rather than having to endure them or trying to pretend they are not happening.

The idea of choice is very important. If people feel they have real choice about how they behave, they start to realise that it can be OK to put up with something they don’t like. They can choose it because they want to; it is to their advantage. They then avoid the disempowering tyranny of always having to assert themselves. (Which is almost as bad as feeling you always have to be compliant or nice.)

Many people think that in order to be assertive, you need to ignore what you are feeling and just ’stand your ground’. In fact, you ignore those feelings at your peril.

Often the magnitude of peoples’ feelings is way out of proportion to what the situation warrants. They may well reflect a previous difficult event more accurately. But because that previous difficulty was so difficult, it feels as though every similar situation will be the same.

It is only by beginning to experience and understand how crippling these feelings can be that people can start to do anything about changing their behaviour. Many people know what they could say; they know what they could do. Most ‘unassertive’ people have conversations in their heads about how to resolve a conflict they’re in; but still, their mouths say ‘yes’, while their heads say ‘no’. Knowing what to do or say is not the issue here.

Therefore, in looking at practising ‘the art of saying no’, it is wise to broaden the brief to so that it isn’t about becoming more assertive; rather it’s about changing your behaviour to fit the circumstances.

While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a straight jacket of it’s own (often creating resistance and resentment), the full lexicon of behaviour can be freeing, because there is choice in the matter. Using charm, humour, telling the truth or even deliberate manipulation, may well get you what you want without having to attempt behaviour that may go against your personality.

If you add a dash of fun or mischief, The Art of Saying No becomes a doable prospect, rather than another difficult mountain to climb.

Saying No

Here are some pointers of what could make it easier to say ‘no’.

If you’re saying something serious, notice whether you smile or not. Smiling gives a mixed message and weakens the impact of what you’re saying.

If someone comes over to your desk and you want to appear more in charge, stand up. This also works when you’re on the phone. Standing puts you on even eye level and creates a psychological advantage.

If someone sits down and starts talking to you about what they want, avoid encouraging body language, such as nods and ahas. Keep your body language as still as possible.

Avoid asking questions that would indicate you’re interested (such as, ‘When do you need it by?’ or ‘Does it really have to be done by this afternoon?’ etc.)

It’s all right to interrupt! A favourite technique of ours is to say something along the lines of, ‘I’m really sorry; I’m going to interrupt you.’ Then use whatever tool fits the situation. If you let someone have their whole say without interrupting, they could get the impression you’re interested and willing. All the while they get no message to the contrary, they will think you’re on board with their plan (to get you to do whatever…)

Pre-empt. As soon as you see someone bearing down on you (and your heart sinks because you know they’re going to ask for something), let them know you know: ‘Hi there! I know what you want. You’re going to ask me to finish the Henderson report. Wish I could help you out, but I just can’t.’

Pre-empt two. Meetings are a great place to get landed with work you don’t want. You can see it coming. So to avoid the inevitable, pre-empt, ‘I need to let everyone know right at the top, that I can’t fit anything else into my schedule for the next two weeks (or whatever).’

Any of these little tips can help you feel more confident and will support your new behaviour. For that’s what this is: If you’re someone whom others know they can take advantage (they may not even be doing it on purpose, you’re just an easy mark!) you need to indicate by what you do that things have changed.

Here’s an Analogy we use in The Nice Factor Book:

Let’s say you’re a burglar. There’s a row of identical houses and you’re thinking of having a go at five of them. The first house has a Yale lock on the front door. The second house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door. The third house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door and bars on the window. The fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window and burglar alarm. The fifth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window, a burglar alarm and a Rottweiler.

Which would you burgle?

When you make it easy for other people, they will naturally keep coming back. By learning more effective ways of saying ‘no’ you make it harder for others to expect you to do what they want without taking into account what’s going on for you. You become more burglar-proof.

Changing Others by Changing Yourself

A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict with, or feel intimidated by, would change. Then everything would be all right. We’ve all heard this from a colleague, friend, partner and even said it ourselves: ‘If only he’d listen to me, then I wouldn’t be so frightened.’ ‘If only she’d stop complaining about my work, I’d be much happier.’

‘If only’ puts the onus on the other person to change how and who they are and makes them responsible for how we feel. By using some of the tools outlined above, people can get a sense of being in charge of situations, rather than being victims to what other people want.

It does seem to be part of human nature to blame others when things go wrong in our lives, or when we’re feeling hard done by. If you take away the ‘if only’ excuse you also take away the need to blame and make the other person wrong. It’s also rather wonderful to think that rather than waiting for someone else to change to make things all right, we all have the ability to take charge of most situations and make them all right for ourselves.

What also makes it easier is that we all just have to get better at ‘the art of saying no’; none of us has to change our whole personalities to create a more satisfying outcome!



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dy who sat beside me on a plane narrated her life after learning that I’m a practicing psychiatrist.

“I can’t say ‘no.’ That’s my problem for years. I‘m now 68 years old and I still try to please everyone except myself. I feel guilty if I say ‘no.’ I should have seen a psychiatrist earlier in my life.”

Honestly, I feel bad for her. She says “yes” to everyone except to herself. She’s too busy pleasing everyone and has suffered from it. Because she can’t say “no,” people have taken advantage of her. Since she can’t decide for herself, someone has to decide for her.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is saying what you want in a polite way, without hurting anyone. To get a clear understanding of what it is, I’ll also tell you what it is not. Asserting oneself is not being passive or being aggressive.

On one hand, being passive is a state of inaction and indecision, letting others run one’s life despite hurt feelings. A typical example is a person who can’t say “no” to the demands of her in-laws. On the other hand, being aggressive is an offensive action where one hurts the feelings of others. Through force, fear, confrontation, and intimidation, this individual imposes himself or herself on others.

Being passive and aggressive is counterproductive. It destroys rather than build. It saps all positive energies. Being assertive is the best approach to life’s tricky issues.

What are the five ways to assert yourself?

Know where you stand

Before you can effectively assert yourself, know where you stand.

Ask these questions before you say “yes” or “no” to people’s demands. What do you like? What makes you feel comfortable? What pleases you? What’s your priority? What would you like to happen? What will make you happy?



In other words, know who you are and what you stand for. A “yes” or “no” answer is not as simple as what we think it is. Your “yes” or “no” can be a life-changing event. So take it seriously and make sure that your response should come from the heart.

Create a pleasant atmosphere

Before saying anything, try to establish rapport. Talk about positive things as much as possible. Share common interests, hobbies, and recreational activities. Talk about children, family, movies, or even love life. Say something good about the person. No doubt, such simple gesture can melt one’s heart.

Even the weather or traffic can be a good connecting point. Use any topic the other person can relate to.

In short, create the desired atmosphere before you say the right things. Anything you say can thrive if you make others happy. Make the situation pleasant and conducive for change to occur. Make it easy for others to accept your suggestions or decisions.

 

Say what you want

After establishing a conducive atmosphere, say what you want in a clear, firm voice. Don’t stammer and appear unsure. Show an aura of confidence. Be true to yourself.

Begin your statement with “I” followed by active verbs such as choose, prefer, think, decide, like, or request and then followed by what you want. For example, a friend invites you to a party, you can say, “I’d prefer to stay home. Thanks anyway.” Never say “you” if you don’t want to put the person on a defensive.

Be firm with your decision

After saying what you want, be firm. Stick with your decision. Don’t be swayed by sharp arguments, subtle bribery, deceiving charisma, sweet promises, or warm friendship.

Let them hear your voice. Let them respect you. Show them that you actually count. By listening and accepting your decision, they can prove to you that you’re just being you.

You are entitled to say “No”

Say what you want without making excuses or justification. And never feel guilty. Remember, you are entitled to say “no.” You deserve to be heard. Your feelings and choices need to be valued.

Your “no” is just as important as your “yes.” Don’t let anyone take this privilege away from you. This is your birthright. Your yeses and nos simply represent your uniqueness. By saying exactly what you feel and want, you are showing who you are.



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