Assertiveness

Persuasion is easier to apply during a conversation between two people, as opposed to communicating in front of a group. This is because in a person-to-person setting, the opportunity to better understand the point of view of the other party exists. You can nitpick and delve into every single detail, as opposed to speaking to an audience, where the interaction is usually one sided.
In this kind of setting, it is possible for you and the other person to reach a compromise that would bring the best probable value for both of you. You may even want to change your stance while you’re at it. In short, person-to-person conversations are so open and flexible that it allows not just you to change course, but also allow you to alter another person’s mindset.
How do you get the most out of person-to-person interactions?
Have Patience
Persuasion may not happen on your first try – or even the second, the third, or the fourth. There are times that a certain idea has to be pondered on and assessed more deeply and critically, that to be too aggressive in getting acceptance might only ruin chances of a good deal. We’ve been through this situation before. How many times have we been told, “If you try to push me one more time, I will have to turn you down”?
Effective persuasion requires skill, not annoying pushiness. If you are sensitive enough to know the symptoms of agreement or submission, you will be able to steer the conversation to a point where you have the opportunity to persuade. If the other party doesn’t seem to be leaning toward your idea and his or her body language shows it, then you should know better to try at another time instead.
Stop Yourself From Rebutting Too Much
One of the greatest mistakes of persuasiveness is your penchant to answer back and rebut. We often try to pretend to listen to another person’s idea, which we do not really agree to, when in fact, what we are doing is preparing for a rebuttal to his or her statements. No matter how discreet you try to be at this, the other party will eventually notice that you are zoned out and will do the same to you when it’s your turn to give your ideas.
What ensues is a discussion that has two levels: one that is verbal and obvious, and one that is based on underlying meanings and subliminal banter. You may be able to prove your point and so will the other person, but nobody really wins.
Nobody can successfully persuade if the conversation is just based on a subliminal battle. When you’re trying to sell something, this will be your deal killer. In a friendship, this is what will burn bridges. This habit is very undesirable. Try to stop yourself every time you feel inclined to do so.
To effectively persuade another person, you have to truly believe in what you are saying. Intellectual honesty and genuine concern for other people will give you that persuasive edge. If you don’t feel passionate enough, the other party will notice it and will not be convinced. It’s not likely that you will be able to successfully sell an idea you have feel no passion about.
In addition, you can’t be effective at persuasion if you are not open to being persuaded also. Remember, you’re not the only one who is trying to get your point heard. In a person-to-person setting, the other party is also seeking to win you over to his or her side.
In order to persuade, you must be sincere. Aside from that, you also need to effectively communicate your emotions and thoughts. You can do this not just by saying the right things, but also by employing the proper assertive behavior and body language. Thus, if you want to improve your persuasion skills, don’t be a drag. Be open-minded and show it.

Communication fundis estimate that women get through about 20 000 expressions in a day but men only work their way through some 7000-odd.  Given these numbers, one would expect that women could constructively employ some of these words to ask for what they want and these utterances could be backed by an array of assertive expressions.

Although women’s liberation has been around for over 150 years, even the thought of having to be demanding suddenly transforms some talkative women into the ‘females of the speechless’.  This is one of the primary reasons women earn less than men.  In the US, researchers claim that if a male and female professional start at a salary of $35 000, over their careers, the man will earn $2 million more because he negotiates every salary increase.

Too often women appear to be grateful for the crumbs they are left and even high powered female execs fall into this trap. Many businesswomen in senior positions don’t seem too perturbed that their salaries are not on par with their male counterparts.  Even the head of a department told me that she had declined an annual increase in favour of her male subordinates sharing her department’s allocation.  When I asked her why she had done this, she cackled at her own inability to find a reasonable reason.

Settling is not something that comes naturally to women; it is a symptom of the learnt self-sacrificing behaviour that is so ingrained in females that many even consider it noble.  But what’s so noble about exhaustion, struggling against poverty or smiling sweetly in the wings while others perform centre-stage to get what they want?  No matter how much one sacrifices, life doesn’t reward quiet, pretty little martyrs.  It only coughs up for those who know what they want and are prepared to go out and get it.

Feeling that one doesn’t deserve success, riches or even happiness is purely a side-effect of the scam of self-sacrifice and it can extend to life’s minutiae.  Have you noticed how women usually leave the last cookie or muffin on a serving plate?  So if we’re prepared to sacrifice ourselves over something as insignificant as a drooping scone, it’s no wonder females suffer from depression.

The notion of being demanding is something women approach with ambivalence because the idea of being hell-bent on getting what one wants rubs up against the life-long belief that female power comes from being liked. For men the ’likeability factor’ has little impact, somehow it’s both expected and accepted that at some point he’s going to behave like an ass.

Although many women are tough, the belief lives on that the fairer-sex should be nice and in the UK, a toning down programme has been launched for ‘Bully Broads’.  This programme teaches ball-breakers to be ‘ladies first’.  When putting ideas forward, it encourages strong women to speak softly, to hesitate or stammer and, if necessary, to cry in meetings.  One can only presume that this behaviour softens the blow real women deliver when truly speaking their minds afterwards.

Of course bullies of either gender are tiresome, but instead of training women to go backwards it would be more helpful for females to become masterful negotiators.  True negotiation produces a ‘win –win’ solution and for anyone wanting to get their own way, it is the most powerful means of doing so.

Men often scupper female negotiators by accusing them of over-reacting or being emotional.  This underhand male habit can derail a female opponent, so women need to learn to counteract this form of stone-walling.  Blatantly pointing out to him that his tactic is geared towards deflecting attention from the real issues is usually enough to put the kibosh on this line of manipulation.

The biggest drawback females have in negotiation is our penchant for nattering. If a successful outcome is what you want, keep one imperative in mind; whoever talks the most will lose.  So instead of justifying your stance, ask lots of awkward questions and let your opponent babble away, giving you time to do the thinking.  To enhance one’s negotiation skills it’s always worth remembering what the Roman playwright, Seneca, once remarked:  ‘When I think over what I’ve said, I envy dumb people.’

Why don’t people get what they want in a negotiation and a conflict? It’s quite simple: They’re not being assertive.  They think they are, but in the place of a simple, assertive request, they substitute words that subtly signal they may be willing to settle for less than what they say they really want.

Consider the following examples. Do any of them remind you of what you do?

Here’s what’s really being said: “I know it’s difficult for you to be on time, so even though that’s what I want, if you have a good excuse, I’d probably forgive you.”

However, when she comes to your office with a question, you respond with “I     know that’s a lot of reading and it’s not the most interesting reading, but it’s important that you familiarize yourself with this material so I’d like you to read it.”

What the person may hear is that because “it’s a lot of reading” and “not the most interesting reading,” it’s okay to keep asking you. After all, who would want to “familiarize” himself with all this uninteresting material when you could quickly help?  Besides, you’d only “like” her to read it.

If any of these sound even remotely familiar, here’s the formula I suggest you use:

This is not always easy. You must be clear on what you want before you can be clear with someone else.

2. Go the person you want it from and say, “Have you got a minute? There’s something I want to ask of you.”

Always ask for permission to proceed. You’re about to intrude on someone’s time and it’s a good idea to get permission to interrupt him/her.

3. After asking for the person’s time, pause until he/she is making eye contact with you.

Eye contact signals you have his/her attention. Usually, you don’t’ have to ask for eye contact. Just remain silent until he/she is looking at you.

Of course, this is impossible on the phone. You’ll simply have to judge if he/she is checking email and only pretending to pay attention to you.

4. Begin your request with these exact words: “Will you…

Do not begin with “Could you,” “Can you” “Please try” or any variation other than “Will you.”

Never use more than 10 words to make your request. Keep it simple. When asking for what you want, the more words you use the weaker your assertion.”

5. Stop talking.

Even if you are uncomfortable with silence, don’t speak after making your request. Many people are uncomfortable with silence. Just accept your discomfort. The other person will respond with “yes,” “no” or some form of “maybe.” If “yes,” thank the person. If “no,” or “maybe” ask, “Why.” This is the beginning of the negotiation.

Follow this formula and enjoy the results.

To learn more: go to http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net