Assertiveness

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. We all know how it feels; sometimes we experience it as a fleeting annoyance, other times as overwhelming fury.
One thing is certain: When it gets away from us and turns destructive, we are instantly at high risk for crises; crises at work, in our intimate relationships or friendships, and in the general quality of life. At this point, you can feel as though you are helplessly at the mercy of an unpredictable, strong, and over- powering feeling.
If you do not make an effort to understand and manage your anger, it can literally change the status of your very life!. Anger: What is it Exactly?
Anger can be considered a feeling state that can vary from simple annoyance to overwhelming fury and rage. It causes various physiological, neurological and respiratory changes. When angry, your heart rate accelerates and your blood pressure, levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline all spike up.
As you know, anger can be triggered by almost anything, but often makes its appearance when ones expectations are not met. A specific person or a situation, like traffic congestion, can trigger your anger. Or, it could be caused by obsessing or brooding about something; even memories of traumatic events can make anger surface.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, impulsive way to express anger is with hostility. However, in its natural state, anger is a normal, programmed response designed to protect us from danger and threats to our boundaries or territory.
It can generate powerful, aggressive and sometimes violent feelings and behaviors, which encourage us to protect and defend ourselves when attacked. Since anger became necessary to our early physical survival, evolution programmed it in to us-survival of the fittest.
On the other hand, over time, our cortex and thinking processes encouraged civilizing behaviors. Therefore, laws, social norms etc. structured how anger must be expressed to not backfire.
The main ways we cope with our anger, include the techniques of expressing, suppressing and self-soothing. Using an assertive, rather than hostile manner to express anger is considered to be the best approach.
The core of this method is to talk with another person in a way which makes clear what your needs are and how they could get met, so that you do not degrade, diminish or hurt the other person in the process. Being assertive is not being pushy or manipulative, but rather, being respectful of yourself and others.
One way to deal with anger is to inhibit or suppress it, then convert it into a more functional and healthy response. This happens when you impulsively think a hostile thought, and then reflect on a healthier, non hurtful way to express it and then do so.
It is important that you actually express your concern so you do not inadvertently turn your anger inwards, against yourself. Anger introjected in this way raises the risk for hypertension, depression and other emotionally-fueled disorders.
Unexpressed anger can lead to dysfunctional ways of expressing it, such as passive-aggressive behavior. People who use this method attempt to get back at people by not being direct and telling them the reason.
Instead, they just shut down or ignore the other person without telling them why. Sometimes, they just appear cynical or hostile.
If you are constantly putting others down, criticizing them or making cynical comments, you have not learned to constructively express anger. Therefore, you are likely to have struggling or tension-laden relationships.
Finally, it is important to remember to soothe yourself. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also deliberately calming yourself in order to decrease your heart rate and let the agitated feelings subside.

Human behavior is very complex. No two people react in the same manner in the same situation. However, it is broadly stated that there are three types of behavioral attributes: passive, aggressive and assertive. Let’s take a situation where you are waiting for your turn in line at the billing counter in a mall. The clerk is just about to finish with the customer in front of you when a man comes by and edges in. The clerk asks, ` Who’s next?’ and the man says` I am’

There are three possible behavioral outcomes of this situation:

1. You say nothing, wait for your turn and sulk all the day long.

2. You shout at both the pushy man and the clerk.

3. You simply say, ` Sorry I was next’ and get your work done by the clerk.

The first outcome shows a non-assertive/ passive behavior.

The second outcome shows an aggressive behavior.

The third outcome shows an assertive behavior.

The reasons behind non-assertive behavior are many; many a times we confuse the goal of being liked with the goal of being respected and in this need for being liked, we sacrifice our own self-respect. This non-assertive behavior begins at childhood when our parents hinder our assertion of self by censoring us when we speak for our rights. Religion fosters the idea of humility and sacrifice rather than standing up for self. Even as employees, we learn at the start of our career that if we speak, we are not likely to receive a raise or promotion.

Being assertive and speaking straight doesn’t mean being rude or aggressive. Aggressiveness is a behavior that includes hostile words and actions. On the other side, is passiveness, which is self-denying and restrained inhibited action. These two behavior types are at extreme ends and we must strike the right balance by practicing “assertiveness.”

Assertiveness is a behavior to speak and act, where people are able to express their opinions in their own best interest and stand up for themselves honestly without undue anxiety and feelings of guilt. Assertive persons will ask others for what they want or need and never demand. They consider the needs of others and respect the others’ rights.

Assertiveness involves the following:

? Calmly communicating without using harsh words or verbally attacking the other person

? Being clear about what you feel, what you need and how it can be achieved.

? Saying `yes’ or `no’ rather than agreeing to do something just to please someone else.

? Accepting a `no’ from someone else without taking this as an `end of the world’ reply.

? Being an optimistic, confident person who can take both positive and negative feedback with patience.

? Respecting the other person’s viewpoint.

Suppose at the time when you have lots of work to do, your friend/ colleague requests you to help him complete his project. In such a situation, you can politely decline by saying a firm` I wish I could but I am yet to complete my own work’. This will save you from sulking, fretting and getting stressed out. You don’t have to apologize unnecessarily for things you are not responsible for, like in the case just mentioned. However, if it is your responsibility, there’s nothing wrong with apologizing when something goes wrong. Negative remarks such as `I lack the experience so I make stupid mistakes’ should be replaced with “I’ve made a mistake, I won’t make that one again, because I’ve learned from that mistake.”

Assertive behavior fosters creation of goodwill and enhances self-esteem. As they say that behaviors do not exist in isolation, but interact with each other, forming patterns which we call the psychological organization. To achieve the state of the complete individual, we must realize that if we change one behavior, we change a whole series of related behaviors. Being assertive by nature will help you acquire new skills and change your actions, and by changing your feelings you are changing the entire pattern of your psychological organization.

The feeling of personal power is key in all interpersonal relationships. Many people are not very clear about what assertiveness is and how it differs from aggressiveness. One main difference is that aggressiveness is about power over other people, while assertiveness is about being able to assert our rights and stand up for our thoughts and feelings while respecting the rights, thoughts and feelings of others.Passive people habitually submit to other people’s dominance play, do not have clear boundaries, and are constantly being invaded by others. They tend to avoid conflict by not expressing their thoughts and feelings, avoid any sort of confrontations even when their basic rights are involved, which leaves them feeling – and being – victimized. At the same time, anger builds up in them, so when they do speak up, they tend to do it in an aggressive, attacking and blaming way rather than a constructive, solution-oriented,  assertive way. Aggressive people, on the other hand, attempt to impose their will on others, do not respect other people’s boundaries and are invasive and coercive. Aggressive people may get their way with some people at first, but in the long-run they alienate others, create a lot of stress in their social, family and work environment, experience a lot of failures in all interpersonal relationships and end up having no social support and feeling isolated and victimized themselves.Somewhere in the middle stands assertiveness which is a way of communicating and behaving that respects the rights of all relationship partners. Assertiveness requires honesty, directness, self-confidence, knowing what your rights are and being able to defend them in positive, constructive ways. Learning to act more assertively will increase your sense of efficacy, of having an impact on your environment, your chances of having honest, straight-forward relationships, your chances of getting your needs met, will improve your ability to make your own decisions and get more satisfaction out of life.Assertiveness is based on two important traits:  relatively good self-confidence and good communication skills.Self-confidence is built through our experience of effectiveness in the world. This effectiveness can be measured in many areas of experience, like academic or professional achievement, physical or athletic abilities, social and personal relationships, etc. Self-confidence is built from the inside out, meaning that we don’t expect others to provide us with self-confidence but we build it by giving ourselves credit for our strenghts, virtues  and accomplishments.Good communication skills involve being a good listener as well being a good speaker and being able to appraise a situation in a cool-headed, non-defensive or fearful manner . Assertive communicators have developed some specific skills for standing up and speaking up for themselves. They have fewer conflicts in their dealings with others, and their needs are more frequently met, so they feel happier and more in control of life situations. Most people desiring to become more assertive start from a passive behavioral baseline and require quite a bit of practice in assertive communication skills before they can see any change in the power balance between them and other people. So start slowly in the beginning, and gradually practice more and more assertive communication skills.Here are a few tips on what communication skills you need to develop and practice:

The important thing is that you keep practicing and reinforcing your assertive communication skills, rather than your initial effectiveness. It may be a new way of communicating for you, so it may take some time before it feels natural, but the more you practice your assertive communication skills, the more confidence you will gain and you will find out that  not only is it really easy, but it’s also very effective.