Assertiveness

I have a confession. I’m a Photoshop wannabe. In case you don’t know it, Photoshop is the premier software program for digital photography.
It has more features to tweak, enhance, and distort photographic images than you can imagine. As much as I’d like to master this program, truth be known, I’m still very much a beginner.
However, I’ve taken some Photoshop classes and my instructor used little sayings to help his students remember certain Photoshop tricks and applications.
My favorite saying is, “If it’s not selected, then it’s not affected.” What he’s referring to is if you don’t select an area to work on by clicking on the select button (you can also use the magic wand to determine the area first…really!), then you can’t have an affect on that area.
Think about it in terms of life. What you select, you affect and you allow it to affect you. What you don’t select you can’t affect and, therefore, it is less likely to affect you! Genius!
So ask yourself – “Do I know what I am selecting and why I am selecting it?”
Are you conscious of your choices (selections)? And what are the outcomes (what is affected) as a result of your choices? If you find yourself continually having a negative experience around certain people, places, and/or situations, how might you be able to make a different selection?
As you improve your SQ (Select-ability Quotient: How wise and aware you are of your selections), you’ll find yourself making different choices (selections), and therefore, you’ll also be affected differently.
Some selection differences may include: being more assertive (Saying no when you mean no, and being direct with your requests), trying out new activities (i.e.: yoga, Tai Chi, dance, meditation, basket-weaving, scuba-diving), going to new places/events (poetry readings, spiritual ceremonies/services, art shows, the beach), and/or hanging out with new and different people.
As you try out all these new opportunities notice the new and different outcomes. When you’re positively affected, make a note of the situation, as you’ll want to repeat that selection.
Now before you leave your spouse, quit your job, move to Arizona, or sell your house, do an inner selection inventory.
What are you selecting in your thoughts?
Are you selecting positive, life-enhancing, empowering thoughts? If not, then perhaps you’ll want to experiment with some new thought selections.
Unlike your external environment, you do have control over your internal thoughts. You can change them whenever you choose to (whenever you make a new selection).
Select positive thoughts and you’re bound to have a more positive mood. (Remember: It’s what you select that has an affect.) Start from the inside, and then work to the outside.
So there you have it: The Photoshop wannabe’s Selection-Affection Connection. All of which brings us to a very popular old story…sort of…
The Four Little Pigs and Healthy Boundaries
Remember the story of The Three Little Pigs? These three little pigs were out and about when the big, bad wolf showed up. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran to the first little pig’s house, which was made of straw. The big, bad wolf chased them to the house and huffed and puffed and blew the straw house away.
But just in the nick of time the three little pigs ran off to the second little pig’s house, which was made of sticks. When the big, bad wolf got there, he again huffed and puffed, and blew the stick house away just like the first.
The three little pigs frantically ran to the third little pig’ house, which was made of stone. When the big, bad wolf arrived he couldn’t muster up enough huffing and puffing to budge the stone house.
The three little pigs were safe. And as long as the pigs used the windows to look through and they kept the door locked (Boundaries!!), they were safe – all of which brings us to the fourth little pig.
The fourth little pig also lived in a house made of stone, but his house was different because it had no doors or windows. This little pig was most definitely safe, maybe too safe. This little pig had totally disconnected himself from the outer world. Let’s look at all the boundary dynamics in this story.
The first two little pigs’ houses represent permeable boundaries. This means the boundaries were insufficient because they offered too little protection. Their boundaries were too easily breached and entered. They allowed outer influences to have too much control and power.
When people have permeable boundaries, they suffer a great loss of energy and identity and they leave themselves vulnerable to unnecessary hurt.
The fourth little pig’s house represents boundaries which are overly rigid and inflexible. Often when people have been severely hurt or have an extreme fear of getting hurt, they overreact to protect themselves and construct these rigid boundaries. Yes, they are protected from hurt, but at the same time they live a life of loneliness and isolation.
The third little pig’s house represents firm and flexible boundaries. These boundaries are strong enough to keep out unwanted influences; but with the proper use of the doors and windows, they are flexible enough to discern whom to allow in. These are the healthiest boundaries to have.
This might be a good time to do an inventory of your boundaries!

The Balance Challenge of Life – You’ve probably heard the old real estate cliche which asks the question, “What are the three most important elements of property?” You also probably know the answer is location, location and location.
But have you ever heard the similar question about life, “What are the three most important elements of a balanced life?” The answer to this question is boundaries, boundaries, and boundaries.
The Boundary Triad of Health and Wholeness
Boundaries are all about knowing where you end and others begin, as well as knowing where your energy needs to be divided from one area of your life to another. When you are aware of your boundaries and you reinforce them, you’ll find yourself operating in a flow, which essentially means there’s an ease in all you do.
Life without boundaries (or the reinforcement of them), results in massive losses of energy and an experience of going against the grain.
There are three basics of boundaries dynamics: One which is internal and two which are external. The internal boundaries are totally with yourself. The external boundaries – proactive and reactive – are with others. Let’s take a closer look.
Internal Boundaries: These boundaries will give you a more balanced life. When you live according to your purpose and vision, everything revolves around this. Your purpose and vision are the center of your life, and they are expressed in all areas of your life.
Evaluate your level of satisfaction with each primary area of your life on a scale from 1 to 10. If you find certain areas coming up with unsatisfactory results, or if there are areas which are dominating your life, reset your goals and reprioritize to get the maximum balance you desire.
Keep in mind, however, balance is seldom ever perfected but rather an ongoing readjustment. If you find you’re sacrificing disproportionate balance to or in one area (relationship, work, friends) you may want to re-evaluate that choice. This is often an early warning sign of some oncoming dysfunction which can still be prevented.
Proactive Boundaries: When you make a request, or express a need or want, you are being proactive with your boundaries. In other words, you’re not waiting to react, but instead are being forthright in stating and choosing what it is that you want and desire in your life. This all comes from knowing your values, deal-makers and deal-breakers, and living in integrity.
Being assertive means not only saying “No” to what you don’t want, but stating what you do want, proactively.
Want the aisle seat? Then ask for it. Want a booth instead of a table? Ask for it. Want less ice or no ice? Then ask for it. I think you get the idea, right?
Know who you are (your purpose and values), and know what you want (your goals and desires). Then ask for exactly what it is you need to achieve all this.
You’re far more likely to get what you want in life if you ask for it than if you don’t!
Don’t assume people, even those closest to you, will know what you want and need unless you ask. Being proactive will make your life more fulfilling.
Reactive Boundaries: These are boundaries you set to repel anything which is unacceptable or inappropriate to you. You must first identify what is unacceptable and then enforce the boundaries you set.
When someone does something which is intrusive, inappropriate, or abusive toward you, it’s your responsibility to set an appropriate boundary to protect yourself. This may simply mean leaving the situation or distancing yourself from it; letting the person know what happened and what you want differently; and/or just simply informing them that the behavior is unacceptable.
Avoid explaining or complaining. Just state what happened and what you want, or remove yourself from the situation.
If you believe you have no choices, you’ll feel stuck and like a victim as well. Always see the options and choices you do have. When you recognize these options and act upon then, you keep your power.
These are the three boundary dynamics in your life: Your internal boundaries with yourself, and both your proactive and reactive boundaries with others. Keep those in balance and you will be able to enjoy a purposeful, passionate, empowered and prosperous life!

Confidence, in simplest terms, is the ability to behave in one’s natural manner. The definition appears to be a very simple definition. However, when all the aspects of this apparently simple definition are considered it is found to be far more difficult to understand and comprehend. Consider this- we live in a world, in which, advertisements are creating false needs to market things, which very few of us actually need.
Every person desires to look good, have a good physique, or become rich. Ad makers expertly pick these vanity points. Many times people have to confront superiors, who may not exactly be in a cheerful mood, and trying to appear extra polite may rob the person of his or her ability to explain things. These are only two examples to depict the loss of originality. Real life throws numerous situations in which the first instinct of a person is to mould his or her natural behavior. While some amount of this is necessary, anything greater than this can produce inferiority complexes, and in more, intense cases depression.
Personality Development as a tool to develop Self Confidence
A natural corollary, to the aforementioned things, is that in order to develop personality the first step is to stop imitating others. The person needs to focus on his or her positive traits and stop comparison with a friend, neighbor, sibling or a celebrity. It is worthwhile to remember that a person can give his best performance in life only when he behaves in a natural manner. This is simply because he is most comfortable when behaving naturally – he does not need to be told what to do, he will figure it out for himself and this will invariably produce the best results.
Fear and insecurity, which stems from fear, are other hindrances to natural behavior. Once fear is conquered, by doing exactly that which the person is afraid of, the person will automatically develop confidence that he is able to do a certain act.
The person also has to draw personal psychological boundaries and not allow anyone to transgress in them – that is to say that this is his personal space and he will not tolerate anyone’s interference. This may be a bit difficult to start with, but once it is done, it will produce long lasting results. This will also make the person more assertive and therefore naturally more worthy respect.
However, the thing to remember is that the assertiveness has to be based on concrete logic and should not be just for the sake of it. Assertiveness, of the mind, has to be bolstered with that of the body – the body language needs to be confident and the assertiveness inside has to be radiated through it. Finally, it is also important to realize that mistakes are OK. Rather they act as great teachers for the future.

The real estate cliche asks the question, “What are three most important elements of property?” which is answered by, “Location, location and location.”
So, let me ask you a question: What are the three most important elements of successful relationships? Boundaries, boundaries, and boundaries.
And that would mean first of all, the “internal” boundaries that you have with yourself, as well as the proactive boundaries of assertive behavior that you have with others, and the reactive limit-setting boundaries that you also have with others. Let’s look closer…
1. Boundaries with Yourself – These boundaries will give you a more balanced life. One very common tool to use to evaluate your balance in life is the Whole Life Wheel.
Draw a circle about 6 or 7 inches in diameter with another circle about 2 inches in diameter in the center of it. Then draw eight lines, as evenly divided as possible, from the edge of the inner circle to the outer. You should have what looks like a wheel with spokes.
Between each of the spokes write in one the most important areas of your life (i.e.: physical, spiritual, social, vocational, physical environments, personal growth, recreational, etc.). In the center write what you believe your life purpose is.
When you live according to your purpose, everything revolves around that; your purpose is expressed in all arenas of your life. You can use the wheel to inventory your life and set boundaries with yourself if you find areas that come up unsatisfactory. Simply reset your goals and do some re-prioritizing to get the balance that you desire.
Remember that balance is seldom ever perfected, but rather, an ongoing re-adjustment. If you find that you are giving up your balance due to a relationship, you may want to re-evaluate the relationship and your behavior. That is often an early warning sign of some oncoming dysfunction.
2. Proactive Boundaries – When you make a request, or express a need or want, you are being proactive with your boundaries. You are not waiting to react.
Instead, you are being forthright in stating and choosing what it is you want and desire in your life. This all comes from knowing your values and living according to your integrity.
Being assertive means not only saying “No” to what you don’t want (reactive boundaries), but more so, saying what you do want proactively. Want the aisle seat? Ask for it. Want a booth instead of a table? Ask for it. Want less ice, or no ice? Ask for it. You get the idea, right??
Know your purpose and values; and know what your goals and desires; then go for it with assertive, proactive boundaries.
3. Reactive Boundaries – When someone does something that is intrusive, inappropriate, or abusive towards you, it is your responsibility (the “ability to respond”) to set an appropriate boundary to protect yourself.
This may simply mean leaving the situation or distancing yourself from it; letting the person know what happened and what you want differently; and/or just simply letting them know that the behavior is unacceptable. Avoid explaining or complaining, and just state what was done and what you want, or remove yourself from the situation.
One common issue I hear from people is how their work environments have people with negative energy and/or inappropriate behavior. Because it is their work, they often feel as if they can do nothing about it. I disagree, totally. You always have at least three choices:
1. You can ask to get promoted, transferred, or you can leave your job.
2. You can learn and implement assertive people-management skills and tactics to create boundaries and protect your energy.
3. You can put your focus elsewhere. Creative visualization and other positive stimuli can offset some degree of toxic or unhealthy people in your environment.
The minute you believe that you have no other choices, the chances are that you will feel, and stay, stuck. Always see the options and choices that you DO have so you keep your power.
What does this have to do with a tripod? A tripod has three legs that can balance and carry a large load, as long as the legs are all stable. These legs are the three boundary dynamics in your life: your internal boundaries with yourself, and both your proactive and reactive boundaries with others.
Keep those in order and you will be able to enjoy a fulfilling and passionate life!
Wishing you a VERY fulfilling and passionate life!!

One of the most essential skills needed in handling people and situations is assertiveness. You are assertive if you are clear in letting others know about your expectations without any anxiety or hesitation. This is one area of development to be focused on when coaching executives. Many in management sectors confuse ‘assertiveness’ with ‘aggressiveness.’

What are some of the differences between assertiveness and aggressiveness?

If you are assertive you ask people of what you want directly and openly. There is an air of reassurance and confident around you at all times. While you do ask for your wants and preferences, you make sure to respect other people’s rights and you do not expect others to know what is on your mind without expressing yourself.

If you are aggressive you try to get what you want in someway or the other and you may often cause bad feelings in others. You may resort to different tactics – request, beg, entice, persuade, manipulate or threaten as your means to get what you want. In the process you do not respect other’s rights or feelings. You do not even look into situations that may get both sides what they want, such as win-win situations.

Aggressive behavior might help one to achieve immediate or short-term results but the longer outcome is a steady decline in performance due to unpopularity and non- cooperation from others who are often victims of aggressive or bullying behavior. With the result the aggressive person ends up being over stressed and depressed. Mr. Aggressive is often not supported by his colleagues and is therefore unable to reach his goals in his career.

Mr. Assertive is able to lead, direct and motivate without much of huff and puff. Since he already is clear about what he wants and is able to convince others without hurting their sentiments and feelings he is popular among employees and he gets good cooperation from his colleagues.

An assertive person is able to give unequivocal direction and leadership through his positive motivational messages to his team members. As a result he is able to achieve his goals sooner and rises up the corporate ladder easily. Body language is an important factor of assertiveness. You could keep the following in mind if you would like to develop assertiveness:

A warm smile or a friendly expression shows respect to your listener

Maintaining eye contact shows that you are actively listening to the other person

A relaxed and straight stance should be adopted during communications

Your hands should be kept in an open position to show candidness.

Assertiveness in appropriate situations is bound to win you friends and supporters in your career and in society.       

*Note, To Develop a Millionaire Consciousness, go to:

www.millionaireconsciousness.com      

Thanks

Thomas S Fisher