Assertiveness

Intimidators control us by making us fear. They keep us from asking for anything or from controlling them in any way, by making us afraid to approach them. They do this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and perhaps even physical violence. They use our fear and self-doubt to control us.

For intimidators the others are always wrong and they have every “right” to punish them. They are simultaneously the police, judge, jury and execution squad.

Another benefit they gain from this role, is that they never have to look at themselves or change anything about themselves, as “they are perfect” and the others are all wrong.

4. They also, by making us fear us, seek to get want they want from us.

Some combine the role of the victim and the intimidator and thus get the double benefit being right for two reasons. The misconception here is that whoever is the victim is right and whoever is angry is right.

Thus, in order to cope with the intimidators in our lives, we will need to overcome our fear. This fear has its basis in childhood when a shouting parent was a real threat for many reasons. First of all, there might be punishment and thus emotional or physical pain. Secondly, all our security and survival were dependent on this person who was shouting and intimidating us. Thirdly, if this person was shouting in such a belittling way, this must mean that we are wrong, evil, a bad child, and thus not worthy of love and respect.
Now, even as full grown adults our subconscious reaction tends to be fear and self-doubt when someone shouts at, accuses or intimidates us. I have seen comic situations a small sized woman intimidate a man twice her size with her threats.

LEARNING TO BE FREE AND LOVING
WITH “INTIMIDATORS”

Some of the beliefs, which create our negative emotions, might be:

a. I am in danger, I could be hurt.
b. My survival is being threatened.
c. Something horrible could happen.
d. I am wrong, unworthy since whoever shouts must be right and whomever is being shouted at must be wrong.
e. I cannot protect myself from this person.
f. I am weak and unable to protect my needs and beliefs.
g. Better to give in and have peace than stand up for what I need or believe.
h. I am the victim in this situation.
I. I must protect myself from this person.

We need to get free from emotions which:

1. Cause us to fear and give power to the intimidators.
2. Cause us to lose our peace of mind and our love for them.

Here a list of some frequent emotions we have when dealing with persons playing the role of the intimidator and affirmations which will help us maintain our strengthen and love.

Note:
These lists are in no way complete. Be open to unlimited other possibilities and all their aspects.

1. Fear (threatened)

Even though until now I feared when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).
2. Self-doubt (unworthy, guilt, shame)

Even though until now I felt self-doubt when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

3. Injustice (hurt, pain, bitter)

Even though until now I felt injustice when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

4. Humiliation,(rejection, demeaned)

Even though until now I felt humiliation when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

5. Anger (rage, hate)

Even though until now I felt anger when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

A possible ideal way of interacting with an Intimidator

I would like to be able to overcome my fears and sit calmly until the other’s rage has subsided while I remember that I am not in danger and that he is unhappy. The more he shouts the more I will feel compassion for him because he seems even more unhappy. I will try to understand what he really needs in this moment. I will seek to understand what fear is causing him to react in this way so I can help him feel safe and secure with me.
When he has calmed down, I will explain that I have no intention of hurting him or making him unhappy. However, if I do not fulfill my needs, I will be unhappy and will harbor negative feelings towards him. I will suggest that we try again to discuss the subject and make a list of what each of us needs and discuss how we can both be happy in this situation.
I will also explain that I have no intention of giving in because he is shouting. I could however make numerous compromises out of love for him, if he would express what he needs from me.

Possible positive beliefs

a. I am safe in secure in every situation.
b. Nothing can ever happen to me, which is not exactly what I need for my spiritual growth.
c. This person is my teacher which life has placed before me.
d. He is unhappy and afraid, or else he would not be acting in this way.
e. Behind his angry and threatening appearance hides a fearful and hurt child.
f. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.

A possible I-message to an Intimidator

“I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens, I back down from confrontation with you. I retreat suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens, I lose my self-respect and feel injustice and then angry with you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.
“With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect.
“I have decided to try to overcome my fear and be more honest with you. I am going to try to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me.
“I would like to ask for your help with this effort.
“I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want together. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.
“How do you feel about this idea?”

People in relationships shouldn’t be the only ones enjoying a sexually fulfilling lifestyle. Everybody deserves to satisfy their sexual appetites on a more than occasional basis, assuming they are healthy and legal appetites.  For many single people, however, finding and maintaining sexual partners can be difficult. Those suffering from a lack of confidence or assertiveness may find themselves too often unable to attain what they truly want and desire.  Such feelings of shyness, inadequacy and intimidation are deeply rooted in the subconscious mind, and cannot simply be turned on and off with the conscious mind.  Such negative feelings and emotions are often the result of a lifetime of negative thoughts and experiences. In the end, you become your own worst enemy. Memory replacement is a therapeutic strategy to replace these past negative thoughts and experiences with ones more self-affirming and confidence building. 

The subconscious mind has often been compared to a computer hard drive. It accumulates and stores all the data that is inputted.  It is believed that everything you have every heard and experienced, both internally and externally, is stored in this infinite hard drive. As a result, the human mind is a lot like an iceberg. The conscious mind represents what is visible above the water, while the unconscious or subconscious mind represents the far larger mass below the surface.  When we suddenly feel shy or intimidated when approaching a member of the opposite sex, perhaps to inquire about a date, these feelings are surfacing from deep within us. At this point, no amount of self-talk will change these deep-rooted emotions. What we need to do is address the cause of these feelings, to fix the problem at the root.  Most often, these feelings are the accumulated result of negative experiences, experiences that can no longer be undone, but can still be replaced.

Though the conscious mind can usually distinguish between what is real and imagined, the subconscious mind does not have such a filter, and relies on the conscious mind to determine what is important and what should be inputted.  This means that both real and imagined experiences have left their mark on database of your deep, subconscious mind.  Let’s say a girl who you gave your phone number to never actually called you. Your conscious mind assumed that she must have deliberately not called because she wasn’t interested. Although this information may or may not have been true, it was entered into your subconscious mind. Even though she may not have phoned for other reasons, like perhaps she was shy or she just lost your number, you have already entered the harmful information into your database.  This information has then been added to all the other negative experiences, both real and perceived, that have helped shape you into the person you are today.  If you are serious about changing yourself at the core, to give yourself the confidence and assertiveness you need, you will have to create new experiences. In the end, the side with the most experiences wins.

Memory replacement therapy begins by recalling all the negative experiences you can.  Then, one by one, instead of simply remembering what happened, or what you thought had happened, you creatively replace the memory with one more positive and beneficial.  It is most important to pinpoint the memories most crucial to your existing predicament, and replace the ending with a memory that coincides with the result you wish to achieve.  For example, think of a time when you failed to assert yourself in a critical situation.  Now imagine yourself instead asserting yourself, and attaining the result you had wanted at the time.  Imagine asking out the prettiest girl in your grade 12 class, and then imagine she said yes. Remember, your subconscious mind does not know if what you’re inputting is real or not. As far as it is concerned, the event actually happened.  The more positive and self-affirming memories you create, the more confident and assertive you will become. You are literally fixing the problem from the inside out, one memory at a time. 

The fact is, most past experiences can never be effectively changed or resolved.  You can hunt down a girl who turned you down in high school and ask her out again, but there is a chance she may say no a second time. What would that do to your self-esteem?  Such negative memories cannot be fixed; they can only be replaced. The best situation is to replace these experiences with new and real ones.  When this is not possible, imagined experiences are the next best thing.  The nice thing is, as you recreate all these memories, you will be simultaneously building up your inner confidence and self-esteem to effectively create new experiences.  You can finally approach that hunky guy and ask him out, or you can finally assert yourself and get your way with your family, friends and colleagues.  Most importantly, you can have the confidence and assertiveness to make sure you get what you want, and enjoy the most fulfilling sex life imaginable.  You can begin to view every attractive person you meet as a possible partner, and you can have the courage and charisma to seal the deal. The truth is, if your not getting exactly what you want, you probably have only yourself to blame. 

Vedic Relationship Astrology

In Vedic Astrology, relationship compatibility is based upon the Moon and Nakshatras.  The Moon is the mind and feelings of the individual.   It is the Jiva, the idea of separate existence and the Ahamkara, the ego.  In essence, the Moon is our very identity as opposed to the Western Astrological view that the Sun represents the ego.  In Vedic Astrology, the Sun is the Soul, because the Sun is constant.  It never stops shining.  The Moon, however, takes the light of the Sun, as the mind takes the light of the soul, and waxes and wanes.  In other words, the Moon CHANGES.  The Sun does not.  Therefore, the most appropriate planet to represent the individual is the Moon.

The Vedic compatibility techniques are very simple, yet very profound.  Since they are based upon the Nakshatras, these techniques are exceptionally ancient and come directly from the Rishis.  Many will say that these techniques are outdated and do not work in modern society because relationships between men and women have changed enormously.  While the cultural norms of relationships have changed, the dynamic of two people interacting with each other have not, and these techniques apply just as well today as they did thousands of years ago.  What is a relationship?  It is two people relating to each other and the needs and emotions of this exchange never change.  As you will see as you read further, these techniques are so insightful into the human psyche,  their profoundness has not diminished in the least.

A relationship consists of two people relating and for that to happen there must always be masculine energy and feminine energy, whether it is a man and a woman, two women, two men, a teacher and student or a parent and child.  There is ALWAYS a male/female dynamic happening.  When male/female dynamic is stated, please throw out all concepts of what male/female is.  Masculine energy is dynamic, initiating, steadfast energy and feminine energy is receptive, accommodating, changeable energy.  Masculine energy wants to be loved for what it does and when it does good, it feels good.  Feminine energy wants to be loved for what it is, and when it feels good, it does good.  An example would be when one person talks, another must listen, otherwise you have two people talking at the same time, in which case they are not relating, or you have neither one talking, in which case there is no relationship.  This is not to say that in a heterosexual couple, the woman is always receptive and the man is always dynamic.  I am just explaining what masculine and feminine energy are and how they are always at play in creation and in relationships.

The Sun and the Moon

In every horoscope, the Sun represents the masculine principle and the Moon, the feminine principle.  Parasara clearly defines what the Sun is in the following sutra,

The Sun has honey colored eyes, square body; he is of clean habits, is bilious, intelligent, manly and has limited hair on his head.

BPHS, Chapter 3, verse 23

The Sun has a square body.  When you set a square down it stays put.  If you leave it, you can walk away and know when you come back it will still be there.  This makes the Sun steadfast and goal-oriented.  When the Sun (or masculine energy) makes a plan to do something, they stick with it, no matter if they don’t feel like doing it.  This is a quality of healthy masculine energy.  The Sun is bilious meaning it has qualities of Pitta, the fire dosha.  The nature of Pitta is competitive and masculine energy has the quality of always wanting to compete and be the best.  The Sun is intelligent, meaning masculine energy uses logic to know something.  The Sun has limited hair.  Hair is the most out of control thing on our bodies.  Our hair keeps a record of our past.  The Sun is not concerned with the past; that is why he has no hair on his head.  Nor is the Sun is concerned with what is beyond his control.

Parasara describes the Moon, the feminine principle, in the following sutra,

“Abounding in Vata and Kapha and filled with knowing is the Moon of round body, O’ Twice Born, auspiciously eyed, of sweet speech, fluctuating and love sick”

The Moon is lovesick, its feminine energy must be receptive to something, otherwise, it feels empty.  This makes feminine energy more concerned with relationships.  I realize this is not very PC, but I must tell the truth after doing hundreds of horoscopes.  Almost inevitably, women want to know about relationships first.  The men also want to know about relationships, but only after career and wealth, unless they want a consultation specifically about relationships. The Moon represents the principle of change.  The Moon is of round body and when you put something down that is round, it rolls away.  Like the Moon changes each night waxing and waning, so does the feminine energy change with feelings.  The Moon is “filled with knowing”, therefore the Moon does not need logic to know something, the Moon just knows, like women’s intuition.  An example:  A man and a woman want to buy a car.  The man gets out the magazines, measures for clearance, does the research on MPG and all the rest.  The woman looks at a selection of cars and says, “I want that one”.  This is not to say that the woman never uses her logic.  It just means that most of the time, her decisions and actions will be based upon her feelings which will usually be correct.  If the Moon is afflicted, that shows affairs more than anything in the horoscope.

A woman is always 51% or more of feminine energy and a man is always 51% or more of masculine energy.  The principle is that the Sun, as the dynamic masculine force, rules men and the Moon as the receptive female force rules women. Of course, all men have a feminine side and all women have a masculine side, and they are often used, but these are not the overriding principles in the identity and especially with regard to relationships.

Assessing an Individual’s Capacity for Relationships

Before looking at the compatibility, the individual charts must be assessed to determine if the person will even enjoy being in a relationship and if they have the tools with which to make their partners happy and fulfilled.  If the individual chart is showing selfishness and fear, then it will be that much more difficult for the person and their partners to be happy within a relationship, so it is very important to assess certain factors within the individual horoscope first.

The Sun and Man’s Capability

We will start with the Male gender.  When it comes to men, happiness is all about capability and confidence.  Masculine energy is dynamic and initiating, therefore it feels best when it can be this way unobstructed.  Capability and confidence are indicated by the Sun.  It is necessary to determine if the man has more masculine or feminine influence to his Sun.  This is not to say that if feminine signs prevail in his horoscope, he will be unhappy in a relationship.  It simply means that he will be a little more laid back, a little more receptive and not as dynamic in his actions.  In regards to the Masculine and Feminine signs influencing a man or a woman, you look for these factors:

You look for these 4 factors in the Rasi Chart and also the Trimsamsa chart or D-30, the 30th divisional chart.  This varga has a tremendous amount to say about the person’s character and health.  It distinguishes people born in the same place at the same time within minutes of each other.  You also look for these 4 factors in the Navamsa as this varga rules the marriage and relationship life.  These factors in the Navamsa will reveal the masculine and feminine energy flow within the relationship but not as part of their natural character.  In regards to the 2 vargas assessed, you do not take into account the day or night birth.

Mahabaghya Yoga or Great Fortune Yoga is a yoga dependent upon the aforementioned factors.  This is present in a man’s chart if the Sun, Moon and Ascendant are all within masculine signs and he was born during the day.  How do you tell if someone was born in the day or night?  If they were born during the day, the Sun is above the horizon or between the 7th and 1st house, namely in the 8th through 12th houses.  The Sun is below the horizon, therefore the person is born during night, if the Sun is in houses 2 – 6.  If the Sun is in the 1st house but has a higher degree than the Ascendant, then the person is born at night.  If the Sun’s degree is less than the Ascendant’s, then the person is born during the day, or the Sun has just risen.  If the Sun is in the 7th house and it has higher degrees than the Descendant, then the person is born during the day.  Consequently, if the Sun is in the 7th house and the degree is less than the Ascendant, the person is born at night and the Sun has just set.  Mahabagya Yoga for a male will make him very dynamic and a real go-getter.  He will have supreme confidence to set goals and meet them and will find much happiness in his life.

After one has assessed the prevalence of masculine or feminine energies, then the Sun, the 10th house from the Ascendant and the 10th house from the Sun must be assessed.  The 10th house has to do with one’s power and how one takes care of their responsibilities.  It is called the House of Karma and shows the action we must take in the world.  Malefics conjoined or aspecting the Sun will harm the confidence and the feeling of capability.  Benefics joined or aspecting the Sun will enhance the confidence and the feeling of capability. In addition, malefics or benefics in the 10th house from the Ascendant and the 10th house from the Sun will harm or enhance the confidence and capability.

Gentle Planets or Saumya Grahas influencing the Sun, the 10th house from the Sun, or the 10th house from the Ascendant will make the man get things done in a gentle or easy way.  If there are cruel planets or Krura Grahas influencing the Sun, the 10th house from the Ascendant or the 10th house from the Sun, then the man will be more pushy and aggressive in what he wants and take anger and frustration out on others.  Malefics or cruel planets always spread around their negativity while gentle planets or benefics keep their negativity to themselves and spread around their good will.

The influence of cruel planets to the Sun, 10th house from the Ascendant and/or 10th house from Sun will also hurt the confidence and feeling of capability.  Saturn influencing the Sun or 10th house will seriously hurt the confidence and inhibit the actions the man takes to get what he wants.  Saturn and the Sun are enemies and Saturn’s influence to the Sun, the masculine energy or to the 10th house of power and authority, will keep the man out of touch with his dynamic, initiatory energy.  If, in addition, there is a heavy influence of feminine signs in the chart, this will be a man who will have ideas of what he wants his life to be like, but never really act on them.  In his romantic life, this type of man usually just falls into a relationship because it is convenient and ends up with a woman who calls the shots.  He is still a man, so he does not like being dictated to, but because his masculine energy is so suppressed he does not act to get out of the situation and will stay in it until something better comes along.

For a man, Rahu influencing the Sun or the 10th house is not as detrimental as Saturn.  Rahu externalizes energy, so Rahu with the Sun will externalize the energy of the Sun, making him appear very dynamic and charismatic.  Internally, however, he is not so sure about his masculine identity.  He is capable, but can be a little overbearing and even arrogant because he is compensating.

Ketu with the Sun or influencing the 10th house will internalize the masculine energy and will make him self-doubting and self-effacing on the surface.  Inwardly, he will be very confident in his masculine identity and will be logical and opinionated.  Similarly, Mars influencing the Sun will make him opinionated, but also pushy, aggressive, and if Mars is afflicted, angry.  Mars influencing the Sun and/or the 10th house with a predominant amount of feminine signs will give the man a healthy dose of frustration which he will take out on others. He will have some hindrances in his capacity to make things happen and to feel good about what he can accomplish.

The bottom line is that cruel planets influencing the Sun, the 10th house from the Ascendant or the 10th house from the Sun are more important when weighing the negative affects to a man’s masculine energy than the influence of feminine signs.

Women and Receptive Yogas

The Receptivity Yogas mentioned in the classical texts are named “Chastity” yogas.  However, since these yogas have nothing to do with whether a woman has sex or not and more to do with how receptive a woman is, I have renamed these yogas “Receptivity Yogas”.  In the times these texts were written, an enormous amount of attention was paid to the details of a woman’s sexual life, so these yogas guaranteed or not if a woman was chaste.  Nowadays, the norms regarding a woman’s sexuality are not what they were and these yogas have really nothing to do with a woman’s sexuality anyway.  They have to do with what a woman is receptive to and whether one trusts life and especially if there are a lot of fear and control issues.  The first yoga mentioned will measure how much masculine/feminine energy a female has.  If she has more masculine energy, she will be more dynamic and initiatory in her actions.  This, of course, does not mean she won’t be happy in a relationship, but rather she likes to initiate and be actively engaged in activity most of the time as opposed to just being.  She is decisive and goal – oriented.  But because she is a woman and as stated before, women want to be loved for who they are and not what they do, it will be more difficult for her to be receptive to what life brings and therefore her man.  Since she has a lot of masculine energy, she will tend to compete with her man.  And since men are competitive by nature, the man will automatically compete with her instead of cherish her which is what she really craves.  Please keep in mind that this does not mean a woman with a lot of masculine energy will have disastrous relationships.  It just means she does very well on her own and has trouble receiving.

In a woman’s chart, the Moon is more important than the Sun for determining happiness.  If a woman has all four masculine factors (the Sun, Moon, Ascendant in masculine signs and she was born during the day), then it will be very difficult to be receptive to a man and completely happy and fulfilled within a relationship.  This is called a reverse Mahabhagya Yoga.  If the woman has all four factors in feminine signs and was born during the night or a Mahabhagya Yoga, then she will be enormously in touch with her feelings and her feelings will never lead her astray.  She will be receptive to the good things that life brings her and reject that which will make her unhappy.

Malefics influencing the Moon, the 4th house from the Ascendant and the 4th house from the Moon will hurt the woman’s ability to trust and make her receptive to fear.  The 4th house rules where things collect like lakes and ponds, so it rules what a person is receptive to.  The most damaging malefics to have in the 4th house from the Ascendant, the 4th house from the Moon or influencing the Moon are Saturn and Rahu.  Saturn rules fear of the known and Rahu rules fear of the unknown.  When Saturn influences the factors just mentioned, the woman does not trust life.  And if she does not trust life, how will she trust her man?  Saturn will make the woman want to control everything to provide for her security.  She sees all the potential disasters that could happen and takes steps to make sure these things do not happen.  In other words, she is full of worry, which is another form of fear, and does not trust that anyone can get the job done, except for her, and even then she is not sure she can ward off disaster by herself.

When Rahu influences the factors of the Moon and 4th house, then she is receptive to fear of the unknown, and will also make her want to control but also a little unstable.  Rahu in the 4th house from the Ascendant or the 4th house from the Moon, in addition to making her a little emotionally volatile, will give wild mood swings.  Rahu influencing the Moon by being conjoined to it will give an extremely alluring feminine quality that is very attractive to men.  Internally, however, the woman will not feel comfortable with her own femininity and it will feel quite foreign to her.  The emotions will also be privy to wild swings of mood.

The whole idea here is that when Rahu and/or Saturn influence the Moon, the 4th house from the Ascendant or the 4th house from the Moon, then she has a lot of difficulty trusting life and therefore her partner.  She is privy to fear and worry and will have control issues.

Mars influencing the Moon, 4th house from the Ascendant or 4th from Moon will give the woman very strong opinions.  Mars is our opinions and with the Moon will show how forcefully we cling to them.  Mars is our idea of how things should and should not be.  The Sun in the 4th house or 4th from Moon will make her initiate when she should be receptive and she will have trouble really listening to others.  Ketu is the least malefic and will just internalize the feminine energy making her appear aloof and cold when inside, she is anything but.  She will be very sensitive and emotional but will not appear this way to others.

After all is said and done, most people want to be in a relationship.  It is a very real human need.  But sometimes, when certain types of people do get into relationships, and inevitably every time they get into one, they lament “I just don’t feel like myself” or “I hate myself when I’m in a relationship” or they are just very unhappy and emotionally unstable.  Usually it is due to one of the factors mentioned above when they just cannot seem to be happy within a relationship no matter with whom it is.

The Importance of Venus in Relationships

Another factor worth mentioning that can cause a lot of frustration within a relationship for men and women is a combust, impaired or debilitated Venus.  And one must look for this in the Rasi, Navamsa and the Trimsamsa.  Look for combustion only in the Rasi as it is an astronomical phenomenon.

Venus rules worth and value.  The moolatrikona sign of Venus is Libra, the Scales.  A less than ideal Venus will give a person issues with his/her self-worth and own value.  When Venus is beat up in a horoscope, the person has a skewed idea of the value of things and of their own worth.  A relationship is all about sharing and relating.  Venus being inauspicious will harm the sense of sharing a person has.  If they think they are worth being abused, then they will get abuse.

When Venus is combust, it is angry and frustrated and the self or soul is so identified with the Venusian energy that to be rejected is an outright rejection of the person’s very existence.  They do not have any confidence in wielding romantic and affectionate feelings because a combust planet has very low Cheshta Bala.  Cheshta means “confidence”.  They feel uncomfortable and are outright turned off by odious displays of affection.  They also do not feel confident in expressing affection.  Often times, they will reject a partner or be the instigator of ending a relationship due to the fact they cannot handle rejection in any way, shape or form.  Venus in debilitation puts the planet asleep so these people with Venus in Virgo also have a very hard time expressing romantic feelings but for different reasons.  It is not because of their fear of rejection but because they are just not in touch with that part of themselves, nor are they in touch with their feelings of  worth and value as a partner within a relationship.

It must be mentioned here that it is very important to look at Venus in the Navamsa and Trimsamsa as well and weigh all of the factors.  If Venus is in Virgo in the Rasi chart but exalted in the Navamsa and in its own sign in the Trimsamsa, then the fact that it is in good dignity in the relationship chart will go a long way to help Venus.  Overall the person will do quite well in sharing with a partner and being able to express their affection.

When Venus is conjoined a malefic then it is called “impaired” and cannot function to its full capacity.  Saturn in the worst.  Saturn joined with Venus will starve Venus.  Saturn is the air element and it tends to dry things out. The person will feel starved or thirsty for love.  Saturn will delay love gratification and the person will have negative experiences in love until he or she overcomes some negative karmas.

Rahu with Venus causes the person to have intense, hypnotic attractions to people until they enter into a relationship with the person.  The attraction usually turns out to be an attraction to a specific quality of the partner and once that quality is consumed, then the native with Rahu conjoined Venus will move on and leave the relationship.  Rahu is unconscious desire.  Rahu is the reason we incarnate, to have life experiences in the realm that Rahu touches through Sign and House placement and also through those experiences represented by planets Rahu conjoins.  Venus in conscious desire and relationships, so when the both Venus and Rahu get together, the person is at the mercy of their desires.  This is an aspect that is also indicative of affairs.  When a Venus/Rahu person enters into a relationship where the attraction is not all consuming and hypnotizing, then you know that that relationship has a good chance of being long term and stable.

Mars with Venus usually indicates that a man has been abused by a woman or a woman has been abused by a man.  This does not necessarily mean physical abuse, although it can mean that.  The underlying meaning is that the person has been taken advantage of by the opposite sex.

Compatibility Part 2 – Assessing Compatibility

Important:  As an astrologer, I always use the Tropical Zodiac for reasons which are explained on my website.  I also use Equatorial Nakshatras, not Nakshatras with ecliptical longitude.  In some cases utilizing Equatorial Nakshatras, a person’s Nakshatra will change because all Nakshatras are not equal in length.  In this system, some Nakshatras are longer than 13 degrees 20 minutes and some are shorter.  I have found these systems, the Tropical Zodiac and Equatorial Nakshatras, to be much more accurate than the Sidereal Zodiac and Ecliptical Nakshatras.  If one has Vedic software, and does a compatibility knowing the dynamics of a couple, and the result just does not make sense, I humbly suggest that one try these novel systems and assess the different results.

Compatible and Incompatible vs. The Price to be Paid

Ironically, this is an article about relationship compatibility, however, the reality is there is no such thing as compatible or incompatible.  There is only, “Are you willing to pay the price?”  The price to be paid to be with the person you like may be too high to be worth the trouble.  Or, in the case of high compatibility, the price is low.  It is all about what an individual is willing to give for the relationship.  As said before, Venus’s moolatrikona sign is Libra, the Scales.  Venus, as the karaka of relationships, by its very nature, weighs the good and the bad or the pros and the cons, and decides whether it is worth it or not.  Compatibility assessment is a tool to show the individual at the very beginning whether it is worth it or not.

Vedha and Rajju, The Two Major Blemishes

Vedha

Certain Nakshatras are “Vedha” to each other.  Vedha simply means obstruction.  When present, the couple can never really get off the ground, there is always something preventing them from being together the way they want to be.  Our destiny is mapped out by the Moon since the Vimsottari dasa is the Moon progressing through the Nakshatras.  If our birth Nakshatras are obstructing each other, then our destinies are obstructing each other.  If these couples with Vedha actually do make it to the altar, which almost never happens, then there is something in the outer world preventing them from fully being together.  More often than not, it is outer circumstances that are obstructing the couple instead of painful emotional issues, passive/aggressiveness or unhealthy co-dependence.  These things just mentioned are the realm of Rajju.  The destinies of married individuals are almost one.  If your spouse becomes wealthy, then you become wealthy.  If your spouse becomes poor, then so do you.  If your spouse becomes ill, then you must care for them.  When two destinies are not jiving, then the people cannot get together no matter how hard they try.  There are no exceptions to Vedha.

Rajju

Rajju is another serious dosha or affliction.  Rajju means “rope” and it ropes the couple to misfortune.  It also ropes the couple to each other in an unhealthy, co-dependent way.  These are the couples you see constantly breaking up and getting back together.  They are addicted to the drama of the relationship.  Rajju binds the couple in five different areas:  at the feet, at the hip, at the navel, at the neck and at the head.  It must be kept in mind that couples with the same Nakshatra will always have Rajju.  They are in a different category.  Couples with the same Nakshatra will be explained later on in this article.

The classic texts say that Rajju in the feet will bind the couple to wandering.  This means there will be many ups and downs within the relationship and it won’t be able to stand on its feet.  The relationship will have “its feet pulled out from under it”.  The couple will never feel really secure within the relationship.

If Rajju is in the hip, it will cause poverty.  This can manifest as actual poverty for the couple, but in most cases it is a metaphor for the fact that the couple feels like they are giving up something to be in the relationship.  Both people feel a lack and the feeling is very pronounced.

The classic texts say that if Rajju is in the navel, there will be loss of children.  This can mean that the couple will be childless, or the children will be a major source of stress to the couple.  It also means that the couple will have a very hard time creating together and will find it difficult to work on projects together.

Rajju in the neck will cause the wife to die.  This does not literally mean that the wife will die.  It is a metaphor for an energy drain.  The neck symbolizes choices.  You turn your neck from left to right to see your options.  Women are more prone to liking choices than men.  As mentioned before, feminine energy is receptive.  Therefore it is receptive to what comes its way and will take the best option.  It is all about options.  When a man is courting a woman, he presents her with situations and activities.  If she does not like what he presents her with, then it is his job to offer another option.  When there is Rajju at the neck, there are no other options presented and the female is basically forced to accept only one situation or activity.  This is extremely frustrating to feminine energy and therefore the female becomes drained in a relationship.

If Rajju is at the head, then the husband will die.  The head represents the logic and dynamic energy.  Dynamic energy is masculine energy.  When the dynamic energy is frustrated, then nothing ever happens.  Feminine energy needs something to be receptive to.  If there is nothing there, which is what happens when there is Rajju at the head, then there is no relationship.  Incidentally, in my practice, I have never seen a couple with Rajju at the head.

The following Nakshatras show which Rajju they will have:

Feet:  Asvini, Aslesha, Magha, Jyeshtha, Moola, Revati

Hip:  Bharani, Pushyami, Purva Phalguni,  Anuradha, Purva Ashada, Uttara Bhadra Pada.

Neck:  Rohini, Ardra, Hasta, Svati, Sravana, Shatabishak.

Navel:  Krittika, Punarvasu, Uttara Phalguni, Vishaka, Uttara Ashada, purva Bhadra Pada.

Head:  Mrigashira, Chitra, Dhanishta.

There are exceptions to Rajju.  Rajju is only completely cancelled when there is Strii Dirgha, full Graha Maitram, Tara Kuta and Mahendra.  If these four are present, then Rajju becomes manageable.  If there are three or less present, then Rajju becomes a major problem within the relationship.  These are explained shortly.

Capacity and Receptivity Yogas will tell if a person will be happy in a relationship.  It is important to remember that a person is exactly where they need to be at any given moment.  If they are going through a relationship that causes pain, and their compatibility is less than ideal, then this experience is just as important as an experience of a relationship with high compatibility.  It is important to reiterate the concept of non-judgment when it comes to relationships.

Strii Dirgha “Long Woman”

Unlike the previous mentioned blemishes of Vedha and Rajju, Strii Dirgha is something that is definitely desired within a relationship.  It is very important that a couple have Strii Dirgha.  Energy will take the easiest, shortest path or the path of least resistance.  Imagine a circle and around the circle are the Nakshatras.  The energy is flowing around the circle in a clockwise direction.  In order for the couple to have Strii Dirgha, the shortest distance should be from the Man’s moon to the Woman’s moon.  If the shortest distance is from the Man’s moon to the Woman’s moon, then the energy begins with the male and is received by the female.  If the shortest distance is from the Woman’s moon to the Man’s moon, then she becomes the initiator in the relationship and Strii Dirgha is not present.  The Man’s moon must be at least fourteen Nakshatras away from the Woman’s moon for Strii Dirgha to be present.  There is a 50% chance that Strii Dirgha will be present for a couple.  Considering the fact that about 50% of marriages end in divorce, we can see these statistics manifesting.  To give an example so this can be visualized, if a Man’s moon is in Pisces and the Woman’s moon is in Gemini, then Strii Dirgha is present.  The shortest distance is starting with the Man’s moon and going to the Woman’s moon.  If the Woman’s moon is in Gemini and the Man’s Moon is in Libra, then Strii Dirgha is not present.  The shortest distance is starting with the Woman’s moon and going to the Man’s moon.

When Strii Dirgha is not present, or when the shortest distance is from the Woman’s moon to the Man’s moon, then the Woman is thrust into the role of initiator and the Man is thrust into the receptive role.  In a female brain the energy travels much faster between the left and right hemispheres.  Therefore, a female is able to instantly know how she feels about something.  When remembering the explanation of the Moon, she is adaptable and is round, meaning she rolls with the changes.  In a Man’s brain, it takes up to 20 minutes for him to know how he feels about something.  The energy travels much more slowly between the hemispheres.  Therefore, when the female approaches her man with an idea or an activity, it is much harder for him to stop what he is doing and see how he feels about it.  While he is trying to figure out how he feels, she is getting frustrated and impatient.  The end result is that the man feels nagged and pressured, and the woman feels unloved and unappreciated.  This is just one example of what happens when Strii Dirgha is not present.

It is realized that in every relationship, sometimes the woman initiates and the man is receptive.  But in a relationship without Strii Dirgha, the fundamental energy flow starts with the woman and goes to the man, so it is a quality of the relationship.  The gist is that the woman ends up feeling unimportant and the man feels redundant.  Strii Dirgha is usually noticed in a relationship right away and is cause for quite an energy drain.  If the couple has over 20 Kuta points, then having no Strii Dirgha is manageable.  They are on the same wavelength enough to know that the woman is not trying to nag her man and that the man is not being inattentive because he doesn’t love her, this is just the energy dynamic between the two of them.  High points with other mitigating factors like Vasya and Mahendra also go a long way to help the lack of Strii Dirgha.  But if the total kuta points are not over 20, then having no Strii Dirgha will weigh upon the relationship and the relationship may be more trouble than it is worth.  The two people will never benefit from having a proper masculine/feminine energy flow.

Ashta Kutas

Ashta means eight and Kutas means points.  There are eight categories from which to judge the energy flow within a relationship from a maximum total of 36 points. Anything over 20 is considered good and marriage is recommended. Between 16 and 20 is considered OK, and the couple can make it if they do not have any major blemishes, have Strii Dirgha, and sincerely love each other.  Below 16 is considered very low and the price to be paid for staying in the relationship will be more than it is worth.  A description of each category follows.  The more points awarded a category, the more important it is.  If the points are very low in a category that is worth a lot of points, the couple will have an enhanced awareness of this problem within their relationship.

Nadi Kuta

Nadi literally means vein and is the Dosha of the Nakshatra.  There are three doshas, windy, fiery and watery.  The windy Nakshatras are: Asvini, Ardra, Punurvasu, Uttara Phalguni, Hasta, Jyestha, Moola, Shatabishak, Purva Bhadra Pada.

The fiery Nakshatras are:  Bharani Mrigashira, Pushya, Purva Phalguni, Chitra, Anuradha, Purva Ashada, Dhanishta Uttara Bhadra Pada.

The watery Nakshatras are:  Kirttika, Rohini, Aslesha, Magha, Svati, Vishaka, Uttara Ashada, Sravana, Revati.

For the category of Nadi, there are eight possible points to be gained.  Nadi is therefore the most important out of the 8 categories because one stands to lose the most points.  If the couple has the same dosha for their Nakshatras, then they receive 0 points and it is highly conspicuous between the two of them.  This creates an excess of the dosha.  If there is an excess of water, the relationship is riding an emotional roller coaster as water is associated with emotions.  Everything becomes an emotional issue and when dealing with seemingly mundane, everyday things, the couple will become overly emotional about it.  This lends itself to a tremendous energy drain on the relationship and much co-dependence.  The ancient texts state that the “woman will die” if the couple has the watery nadi.  This does not mean that the woman will literally die.  It is a metaphor for the fact that the constant emotional up and down of the relationship causes her to feel there is a lack of serious commitment, therefore she feels insecure.

If the couple have a windy nadi, the ancient texts state here, as well, that the “woman will die”.  Wind causes many changes, confusion, and takes away a strong focus resulting in a relationship that lacks a firm foundation.  When the woman knows that the relationship is lacking in stability, she begins to feel insecure and since a woman’s confidence is enormously based upon how she feels as opposed to what she does, this windy nadi will cause her much emotional distress and depression.

If the couple have a fiery nadi, the ancient texts state that the “husband will die”.  An excess of fire facilitates anger, aggression and frustration in the couple.  Too much anger provides an energy drain on men, because when men get angry, it is their feminine side surfacing because they cannot deal with the situation at hand.  When a man gets angry, he loses his composure, capability and confidence to handle the situation.  When it comes to happiness for men, it’s all about capability and confidence.  Fiery nadi facilitates an energy drain in men that is why the texts say “the husband will die”.  It does not mean literal death.

Bha Kuta

“Bha” is another word for sign, like Aries, Taurus, etc.  Bha Kuta is worth a total of 7 points, so very important and if missing, will be felt by the couple.  Bha Kuta states that the Moon signs of the couple should not be in a 6/8, 2/12/ or 5/9 relationship with each other.  For example, to attain 7 points of Bha Kuta, if the woman’s moon is in Pisces, the man’s moon should not be in Leo or Libra (6/8), Aquarius or Aries (2/12), Cancer or Scorpio (5/9).  If the Moons of the couple fall in these positions, 0 points are given.

A 6/8 relationship between the moon’s will cause arguing and discord and many abrupt changes, all things related to the 6th and 8th houses.

A 2/12 relationship between the moon’s will cause loss, a feeling of lack and/or poverty in the couple.

A 5/9 relationship, one would expect to be quite nice because the 5th and 9th houses are the most beneficial houses in the horoscope.  These houses are the most beneficial houses but only in the sense of the self.  The 1/5/9 houses are houses of the self.  They are the fire triad.  When there is an emphasis on those houses, the person can be highly self-sufficient and does not like to rely on others or provide give and take.  When this relationship is present between the moons of a couple, they tend to want to teach each other, inspire each other and “get one up” on the other.  Both of the individuals want to be the leader and they tend to compete.  If the moons are in this relationship, the couple will notice this dynamic in their interaction.

Gana Kuta

Gana means ‘race’ and refers to whether the Nakshatras of the moons are the race of devas ‘gods’, manushas ‘humans’, or rakshasas ‘demons’.  The following is a list of the Nakshatras and their race:

Deva “gods”:  Asvini, Mrigashira, Punurvasu, Pushya, Hasta, Svati, Anuradha, Sravana, Revati

Manusha ‘human’:  Bharani, Rohini, Ardra, Purva Phalguni, Uttara Phalguni, Purva Ashada, Uttara Ashada, Purva Bhadra Pada, Uttara Bhadra Pada

Rakshasa “demon”: Krittika, Aslesha, Magha, Chitra, Vishaka, Jyeshtha, Mula, Dhanishta, Shatabishak

Deva Nakshatras are calm, serene, kind, polite and steadfast.  They stand on an even keel.  Human Nakshatras are industrious and innovative.  Demon Nakshatras are temperamental, unpredictable, intense and eccentric.

If the couple’s moons are of the same race, then 6 points are given.  If the Woman has a Deva moon and the Man has a human moon, then 3 points are given.  If the Woman has a Deva moon and the Man has a demon moon, then 1 point is given.  If the Woman is a human moon and the Man is a Deva moon, then 5 points are given.  If the Woman is a human moon and the Man is a demon moon, then 3 points are given.  If the woman is a demon moon and the man is a deva or human moon, the no points are given.

You will notice that the woman who has her moon in a demon Nakshatra gets the short end of the stick.  In a relationship, this woman will only receive points for this kuta if she is in a relationship with a man that also has a demon moon.  The reason for this is that a Rakshasa woman is highly temperamental and emotional.  She goes through many severe mood swings and tends to be very independent.  Relationship constraints and the natural give and take of a relationship will make her feel suppressed.  If the moon in a woman’s chart is also highly inauspicious due to aspects by Krura Grahas and Krura Grahas being placed within the 4th house from the Ascendant or Moon, then it will make her that much more fearful and temperamental, causing great distress within her psyche.  If the woman with a demon moon has beneficial aspects to her moon in the Rasi, then that will go a long way to smooth over emotional turbulence and severe mood swings.  She will still be highly eccentric but will have a brighter outlook.  A man with a demon moon will be able to appreciate a woman with a demon moon because his nature is the same and he will be able to understand her.

Graha Maitram Kuta

Graha Maitram means ‘planetary friendship’.  If the lords of the moons are friendly, then it goes a long way in understanding each other and having things in common.  Mutual likes and dislikes make the couple want to spend time together and have hobbies and mutual interests.  If the lords of the moons are inimical then usually the couple ends up wanting to do different things at the same time and as a result, end up spending less quality time together.

If the lords or the Moon signs of the couple are:

Mutual friends or the same:                       5 points

One friendly and the other neutral:          4 points

Both neutral:                                                 3 points

One an enemy and the other friendly:      1 point

One an enemy and the other neutral:       .5 points

Both enemies:                                               0 points

If the Moon signs are in the 7th house from each other, ex:  Capricorn and Cancer, then this is considered highly auspicious and no matter the relationship between the lords of the moons, the couple receives the full 5 points for Graha Maitram.

The friendship/enemy/neutral relationships referred to are the natural planetary relationships according to Parasara.

Yoni Kuta

Yoni means ‘source’.  Some people translate it as the female sexual organ or vagina and it does mean that as well.  The vagina is the physical source of life.  The maximum points for yoni kuta is 4.  Each Nakshatra has an animal symbol.  The yoni of the Nakshatra is the sexual organ of that animal.  In times of extreme stress or in very intense situations, such as sex, a person falls back on his instinctive nature, which is his Nakshatra’s animal.  If the yonis of the couple are the same or friendly, then during times of stress and sex, their primal natures are compatible and they are able to get through the experience with a heightened awareness and appreciation for each other.  If the yonis are unfriendly or enemies, then the individuals will react to stressful situations in vastly different ways and perhaps will not be able to understand and appreciate the way the partner handles these situations.

The animals representing the Nakshatras are as follows:

Horse:  Asvini (male), Shatabishak (female)

Elephant:  Bharani (male), Revati (female)

Sheep:  Pushya (male), Krittika (female)

Snake:  Rohini (male), Mrigashira (female)

Dog:  Mula (male), Ardra (female)

Cat:  Punurvasu (Female), Aslesha (male)

Rat:  Magha (male), Purva Phalguni (female)

Cow:  Uttara Phalguni (male), Uttara Bhadra Pada (female)

Buffalo:  Svati (male), Hasta (female)

Tiger:  Vishaka (male), Chitra (female)

Hare:  Jyeshtha (male), Anuradha (female)

Monkey:  Purva Ashada (male), Sravana (female)

Mongoose:  Uttara Ashada (male)

Lion:  Purva Bhadra Pada (male), Dhanishta (female)

Tara Kuta

Tara means star and it refers to the number of Nakshatras the man’s moon is away from the woman’s moon.  Starting with the woman’s moon, count the number of Nakshatras to the man’s moon and then divide by nine.  To have Tara Kuta, the remainder should not be 3, 5 or 7.  You do not count inclusively, like you do with houses.  The Tara of 3, 5 and 7 is obstructive for the woman to be receptive to what the man offers her.  Tara Kuta is worth 3 points and if absent, is not that noticeable.

Vasya Kuta

Vasya means “dutiful”, “subjected to”.  There are four types of signs when it comes to Vasya Kuta.  The Quadruped signs are Aries, Taurus, 2nd half of Sagittarius, 1st half of Capricorn.  The Human signs are Gemini, Virgo, Libra, 1st half of Sagittarius, and Aquarius.  The “moving in water” signs are Cancer, 2nd half of Capricorn, and Pisces.  The ‘moving in wilderness’ sign is Leo.  And the insect sign is Scorpio.

All signs are Vasya, (dutiful, subjected to) the sign of Leo except for Scorpio.

All signs except Leo are Vasya to the Human signs.

The “moving in water” signs are food for the human signs.

The quadruped signs are food for the wild sign, Leo.

The most points to be gained are 2.  If the couples moon’s are within the same category, then they earn 2 points.

If one of the couple’s moons is Vasya to the other, then they earn 1 point.

If one of the couple’s moons in Vasya to the other, but the other half of the couple’s moons in food for the other one, the .5 points are gained.

If there is no Vasya between the couple’s moons, then 0 points are gained.

Varna Kuta

Varna means ‘caste’.  Feminine energy is more receptive and malleable than masculine energy, so it is better for a woman to marry or be in a relationship with a man of a higher caste.

Brahmin Caste:  Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces

Kshatriyas (warrior) Caste:  Aries, Leo and Sagittarius

Vaisyas:  Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo

Sudras:  Libra, Aquarius and Gemini

If the man is of a higher caste or if the couple’s moons are of the same caste, then one point is earned.

Extra Special Qualities (Upaskaras)

Vasya

Unlike the Vasya mentioned in the Kutas, this Vasya is based upon sign placement, not Nakshatra placement.  As said before, Vasya means “subjected to”.  If one of the couple;s moons is Vasya to the other, then they are magnetically attracted to that person and there is an element of “I’ll do anything for you”.  This can even apply to other kinds of relationships, like platonic friendships, as well.  It is better if the man has Vasya to the woman, because feminine energy tends to be more devoted and attached anyway, whereas masculine energy is more independent.  Having the woman’s moon Vasya to the man’s moon is also very good and if the couple has great compatibility due to points and lack of serious afflictions, then Vasya adds an extra comfort and kindness to the relationship.  If the relationship ends or the compatibility is much less than ideal, then having Vasya can make a situation of unrequited love or pining for the relationship long after it is over.   In some instances, both moons are Vasya to each other.  The following are the signs and the signs they are Vasya to:

Aries:  Leo and Scorpio are Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Taurus:  Cancer and Libra are Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Gemini:  Virgo is Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Cancer:  Scorpio and Sagittarius are Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Leo:  Libra is Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Virgo:  Pisces and Gemini are Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Libra:  Capricorn and Virgo are Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Scorpio:  Cancer is Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Sagittarius: Pisces is Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Capricorn:  Aries and Aquarius are Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Aquarius:  Aries is Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Pisces:  Capricorn is Vasya or ‘subjected to’

Mahendra

Mahendra means purposefulness.  When the couple has Mahendra, it is like a glue even if the compatibility is less than average.  If the compatibility is above average, Mahendra really adds purpose and meaning to the relationship.  Personally, I do not believe is soul mates.  But if there is anything that comes close to having a soul mate connection, Mahendra would be it.  The couple can wake up in the morning and know that they are meant to be together and that they have a special purpose for being together.  In relationships that have serious afflictions and low points, Mahendra will usually keep the couple together even if they both desire to leave the relationship.  Mahendra is the only thing that makes up for low points (below 15).  Mahendra, by itself, does not make up for lack of Strii Dirgha or Vedha or Rajju.  In order for the couple to have Mahendra, the Nakshatra of the man’s moon must be placed in the 4th, 7th, 10th, 13th, 16th, 19th, 22nd, or 25th from the woman’s Nakshatra.

Special Cases – Same Nakshatra

Three categories exist when coupling with the same Nakshatra: good, medium and bad.  When the couple has the same Nakshatra, certain problems will always be present like Rajju, having the same Nadi and no Strii Dirgha.  In some instances, these blemishes will not apply.  These Nakshatras are in the good category and will not experience the problems associated with the blemishes mentioned:  Rohini, Ardra, Magha, Hasta, Vishaka, Sravana, Uttarabhadrapada, or Revati.  Practicality and an absence of any co-dependence mark these Nakshatras, therefore a couple with both their moons in these Nakshatras will do very well and not experience any of the problems associated with the major blemishes while benefiting from having full Graha Maitram, same Gana, Bha Kuta, etc.

The Nakshatras that fall into the medium category are:  Asvini, Krittika, Mrigashira, Punurvasu, Pushyami, Purva Phalguni, Uttara Phalguni, Chitra, Anuradha, Purva Ashada, or Uttara Ashada.  All of the blemishes that come with having the same Nakshatra could surface from time to time when the couple has both their moons in any of these Nakshatras.  But if the individual chart shows maturity and a high capacity for sharing with nice Venuses, plus a good masculine/feminine dynamic, then these individuals will be able to weather the problems that may pop up from having the same Nadi, no Strii Dirgha, and Rajju.  If the individual chart shows a poor capacity for relationship and the Sun is under cruel aspect in the man’s chart and the Moon has heavily inauspicious influence in the woman’s chart, then the more negative aspects of having the same Nakshatra will manifest within the relationship, and the couple probably will not make it over a long period of time.

A relationship is not recommended if the same Nakshatras are: Bharani, Aslesha, Svati, Jyeshtha, Moola, Dhanishta, Shatabishak, or Purvabhadrapada.  These Nakshatras are eccentric, tumultuous, and complex.  A relationship between two moons in these Nakshatras would be way too problematical for the average person to handle.  The blemishes of Rajju, the same Nadi, no Strii Dirgha, etc. would be highly pronounced within the energy exchange of the relationship.  This would lend to many difficulties that the relationship would soon spend itself or there would be many break-ups followed by getting back together only to break-up again.

Mars in the Consciousness AKA Kuja Dosha

Yes, finally the famous Kuja Dosha or Manglik affliction.  Entirely too much is made of this affliction.  By itself, it does not make or break a relationship.  And it certainly does not kill the spouse, as is sometimes believed.  It is very simple, it just means Mars is in the consciousness in houses that relate to the partner.  And when Mars is in the consciousness in certain places, that means there is aggression, pushiness and will power in these places.  When these places relate to the partner or family life, one partner is very vocal about their needs and likes to exert their will while the other partner may not be as assertive.  Eventually, the partner that is not as assertive will feel put upon or backed into a corner and they will implode.  This is what they mean when they say “the partner will die” in certain cases of Kuja Dosha, it is not a literal statement.  When assessing Kuja Dosha, one must look at 3 charts:  the Rasi, the Navamsa (D-9) and the Trimsamsa (D-30).  All three charts must be assessed for the following:

Mars in the 2nd, 4th, 8th or 12th from the Ascendant, from the Moon and from Venus.  This must be done for all three charts and in every instance that Mars has this placement, one point is given.  So look at the Rasi first.  Count how many times Mars falls in these positions from the Asc., Moon and Venus.  Now look at the Navamsa, do the same there and the same with the Trimsamsa.  Add up the total.  If the couple has more than two points of difference, then one person will be pushier in the relationship than the other and the person with less Mars consciousness will feel like they are backed into a corner from time to time.  The more of the difference between the totals, the more one person is assertive and the other is passive.  It is the duty of the astrologer to point this out to the couple because it will make for problems down the road.  If otherwise the compatibility is good, then the difference in Kuja Dosha can be weathered.  If the compatibility is teetering on average, then the difference in Kuja Dosha can push it over the edge.  If the compatibility is already less than average, then having a difference of more than two in Kuja Dosha will almost certainly end the relationship.

There are exceptions to Kuja Dosha and this must be taken into account when tallying up the totals for Mars affliction:

Mars in the 2nd in Virgo or Gemini

Mars in the 4th in Aries or Scorpio

Mars in the 7th in Cancer

Mars in the 8th in Pisces

Mars in the 12th in Taurus

Some say Mars in Leo or Aquarius but I have not found this to work at all.

The following is an explanation of Mars in the various houses of the partner and family and a general description of Mars.

Mars is a planet of consciousness because Mars is the will power.  The Sun is the Soul and the Moon is the Mind, but Mars takes what is in the mind and puts it into action.  The Moon is the perception and the manas but Mars is the general that takes our perceptions and acts in the world.  To assert ourselves in the world is Mars.  Mars is logic and he is celibate.  He is not swayed by emotion.  Mars is swift and jumps into action to get the job done immediately.  Mars gets directional strength in the 10th house which is the opposite of the 4th house, the house of the emotions and home life.

Mars in the 2nd house:  The 2nd house is a house of family and of our environment.  Asserting our will and being logical within the family will cause discord.  Anytime logic is used in the realm of the family or partner, there will be a fertile ground for hurt feelings and resentment.  The family is not a logical place, it is an emotional place and should be a place of comfort.

Mars in the 4th house:  The 4th house is similar to the 2nd house as being a house of the home.  But it is also a house of happiness and emotional security.  Mars gets no directional strength here.  This will make the person overbearing in their emotions and appear needy.  The family members and partner will sometimes feel the brunt of their angry feelings.

Mars in the 7th house:  The 7th house is the house of the partner.  A person with Mars in the 7th house will assert their will with their partner.  They will be logical with their partner.  Emotion will be lacking when it come to romantic relationships.

Mars in the 8th house:  The 8th house is the house of the marital bond and also the partner’s money.  Mars in 8th person will assert their will in how their partner handles their assets and finances.

Mars in the 12th house:  the 12th house as it applies to relationship life is the sex life.  Mars in 12th house person will assert their will and be very logical when it comes to sex.  There can be an element of selfishness on the part of the Mars in 12th house person and his/her partner may come to feel like they are not having their sexual needs met.

Persuasion is easier to apply during a conversation between two people, as opposed to communicating in front of a group. This is because in a person-to-person setting, the opportunity to better understand the point of view of the other party exists. You can nitpick and delve into every single detail, as opposed to speaking to an audience, where the interaction is usually one sided.
In this kind of setting, it is possible for you and the other person to reach a compromise that would bring the best probable value for both of you. You may even want to change your stance while you’re at it. In short, person-to-person conversations are so open and flexible that it allows not just you to change course, but also allow you to alter another person’s mindset.
How do you get the most out of person-to-person interactions?
Have Patience
Persuasion may not happen on your first try – or even the second, the third, or the fourth. There are times that a certain idea has to be pondered on and assessed more deeply and critically, that to be too aggressive in getting acceptance might only ruin chances of a good deal. We’ve been through this situation before. How many times have we been told, “If you try to push me one more time, I will have to turn you down”?
Effective persuasion requires skill, not annoying pushiness. If you are sensitive enough to know the symptoms of agreement or submission, you will be able to steer the conversation to a point where you have the opportunity to persuade. If the other party doesn’t seem to be leaning toward your idea and his or her body language shows it, then you should know better to try at another time instead.
Stop Yourself From Rebutting Too Much
One of the greatest mistakes of persuasiveness is your penchant to answer back and rebut. We often try to pretend to listen to another person’s idea, which we do not really agree to, when in fact, what we are doing is preparing for a rebuttal to his or her statements. No matter how discreet you try to be at this, the other party will eventually notice that you are zoned out and will do the same to you when it’s your turn to give your ideas.
What ensues is a discussion that has two levels: one that is verbal and obvious, and one that is based on underlying meanings and subliminal banter. You may be able to prove your point and so will the other person, but nobody really wins.
Nobody can successfully persuade if the conversation is just based on a subliminal battle. When you’re trying to sell something, this will be your deal killer. In a friendship, this is what will burn bridges. This habit is very undesirable. Try to stop yourself every time you feel inclined to do so.
To effectively persuade another person, you have to truly believe in what you are saying. Intellectual honesty and genuine concern for other people will give you that persuasive edge. If you don’t feel passionate enough, the other party will notice it and will not be convinced. It’s not likely that you will be able to successfully sell an idea you have feel no passion about.
In addition, you can’t be effective at persuasion if you are not open to being persuaded also. Remember, you’re not the only one who is trying to get your point heard. In a person-to-person setting, the other party is also seeking to win you over to his or her side.
In order to persuade, you must be sincere. Aside from that, you also need to effectively communicate your emotions and thoughts. You can do this not just by saying the right things, but also by employing the proper assertive behavior and body language. Thus, if you want to improve your persuasion skills, don’t be a drag. Be open-minded and show it.

Each year, hundreds of millions of people jot a letter of complaint. Since you are one of the crowd, you’ll want your letter to gain attention. Place yourself in the position of the person getting your letter and recall that your goal is not to vengeance or to vent your righteous anger, but to get win-win results.
The best way to get a desired outcome is to make your letter concise, factual, and reasonable. Oh and yes- rib-tickling humor doesn’t hurt either. Write a letter of complaint about:
1. collection/financial/ordering errors
2. kids and/or pets: misbehavior/damage by
3. neighborhood problems: unkempt property/ loud noises/disturbance
4. holdup: late reply/shipment/refund/merchandise/supplies/ payment
5. staff: incompetent/rude/inappropriate behavior
6. governmental problems: high taxes/unfair laws/pending bills
7. goods: defective/damaged/dangerous/missing parts, instructions, or warranties
8. blunder, misunderstandings, personal errors
9. policies: unfavorable/restrictive/discriminatory
10. institutional: undeserved reprimands/undesirable programs
11. alleged fraud, misleading advertising, unfair practices, discrimination
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty on powerful letters of complaints
1. Assert the problem plainly, concisely, and reasonably: what it is, when you observed it, how it has hassled you, what you have done, and what needs to be prepared to correct it.
2. Provide all vital facts: date and place of acquisition, sales slip number, thorough account of product or service, serial or model number, amount paid, name of clerk who performed the service or sold you the item/gave you the wrong information, your account number or credit card number, account of previous communication.
3. Present inclusive and accurate names and addresses, both your own and the person to whom you are writing. Also incorporate your home and work phone numbers.
4. Incorporate appropriate documentation such as sales slips, warranties or guarantees, previous communication, copies of pictures of damaged item, repair or service orders, canceled checks, contracts, paid invoices.
5. Inform why you think it’s key that the complaint be taken care of and affirm plainly what you require from the person or company. Demand a reasonable, possible resolution.
6. Propose a deadline for the action demanded.
7. Should your complaint involve an incident with an impudent sales clerk, another driver, a cantankerous or intimidating stranger, include the date and time of the incident, the name of person involved, where it occurred, names of witnesses, and any other noteworthy particulars.
9. In finishing, articulate your assurance that the matter will be taken care of to your satisfaction.
10. Shun derision, finger pointing, abuse, recriminations, blaming, crass remarks, and emotional outbursts. You will only provoke the very person who is in the best position to help you. Off-putting letters are not only futile, they also make you look silly.
11. Never threaten to sue. Blustering is generally recognized as a bluff; people who are really going to sue leave this declaration to their lawyer. You might say that you will elevate the case to small claims court. This is one probable way of achieving a swift, inexpensive resolution.
12. Never hint for freebies or “compensation” beyond your dues.

‘The most destructive element in human mind is fear. Fear creates aggressiveness’- Dorothy Simpson

Have you ever, if at all, tried to observe if you are an aggressive or assertive person? Despite the fact that man is naturally endowed with all it takes (and more) to undertake a self appraisal in order to make our individual and collective lives better, hardly do we consciously do this. Assertiveness is one of the basic features of leadership yet a lot of people in leadership positions are aggressive either deliberately or not. Do not get me wrong. You do not have to be at the helm of affairs in one big office to be a leader, but you are always at the helm of your own affairs and no one can take that away. So you too are a leader! Besides, it is natural that we find ourselves leading others at some point or the other. However, whether as a leader or follower, we all relate with others everyday.

In a world where might is right, it may seem appropriate to be aggressive in order to have our ways, but it is not always like that. Some managers, in a bid to assert authority, only succeed in intimidating subordinates, who in an attempt to repel the threat or seeming oppression, end up exhibiting unruly and unbecoming behaviours. But must we continue in such manner that neither gives us the desired peace of mind nor self respect, and infact shuts the door on real and sincere friendship and loyalty? No. This is especially so when there are simpler and better ways of doing these things. And who says adults cannot learn and change their ways? I am confident you will agree with me that every adult knows the difference and is sufficiently equipped to choose that which is right – being assertive.

Assertiveness is simply the ability to express yourself within the limits of your natural rights. Aggressiveness on the other hand, refers to a mode of communication and behavior where one expresses his feelings, needs, and rights without regard or respect for the needs and feelings of others. In some extreme situations, emotional or physical force is applied such that the rights of others do not see the light of day at all. This happens in our homes, between couples, in offices and even among friends. With an aggressive behaviour, the dignity of the other person tends to be trampled upon, distance is created, communication is hampered and relationships suffer. Having injured the ego of the other party, aggressive individuals experience a higher level of stress and this takes away the joy from their seeming triumph. Aggressiveness is an often regretted emotional outburst – only a little better than a physical illness. This is because aggressive individuals suffer a false sense of self righteousness, and a feeling so transient that such people after thinking through usually feel guilty. They thereafter burn inside and out of pride find no one to share the hurt with. This disposition pushes others away, causes them to lose respect for you and in some cases become angry, unfriendly and vengeful. It is possible to be aggressive without realizing it, especially when one is threatened. However, with a conscious effort at deep awareness, it is possible to always be in control of your reaction to any kind of stimuli.

Being assertive, according to Wellness Workbook ( Ryan and Travis), “basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other”. It enables you to put your cards on the table without either hurting the ego of the other party or destroying the chances of future relationships. It earns you a sense of ease; you feel good about yourself, gain more self confidence and even the respect of your colleagues and friends. Being assertive keeps you emotionally balanced such that improves your decision making ability and possibly your chances of getting what you want from life. The learned will agree with me that aggressiveness is caused by some kind of fear; that which comes from ignorance about self and one’s environment, and induces self doubt and lack of confidence. From the understanding of self comes a better appreciation of your world and that around you. It also allows you to be in harmony with yourself and your environment, and rewards you with a sense of security such that you are immunized from feeling threatened in any situation, hence no reason to be aggressive. This self knowledge comes from ‘Emotional Intelligence’.

The concept of Emotional Intelligence is the result of various studies on the role of non cognitive factors in helping people to succeed at work and in life generally. Revolving around the importance of social and emotional abilities for personal success, it is defined as “a form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and action ”(Salovey & Mayer). Emotional Intelligence deals with knowing when and how to express emotion as well as the ability to control it.  According to Salovey, there are five pillars of Emotional Intelligence. The first of these is Self Awareness by which it is meant recognizing a feeling as it happens. This ability is crucial to self understanding because the lack of it leaves one at the mercy of those feelings. Self knowledge provides the necessary tools to pilot one’s life more effectively. Management of Emotions comes next. This is the ability to control feelings and emotions such that response to stimuli at any point in time is appropriate. It relates to the ability to sooth oneself and overcome negative emotions. Its lack leads to feelings of distress and depression.

A good understanding and control of one’s feelings is a precursor for Self Motivation, which leads to self mastery and creativity. People who have this skill tend to be more highly productive and effective in whatever they undertake. Another pillar of emotional intelligence is the fundamental people skill – Empathy. Recognizing emotions in others attunes one to the subtle signals that indicate what others need or want. The last on the list is Relationship Management which in other words refers to managing emotions in others. This skill underpins popularity, leadership and interpersonal effectiveness. People who excel here are social stars.

LAST WORDIt is only expected that people will differ in their mastery of these principles but the brain is eternally pliable, always learning and growing. This means that shortcomings in emotional intelligence can always be improved and built upon. So which would you rather be? Aggressive or Assertive? Besides, studies have revealed that the most successful leaders in world history were warmer, more outgoing, emotionally expressive, dramatic and sociable. It surely pays to be assertive. So why not learn Emotional Intelligence now!

tundekamali.11.37/021007

This self-directed program teaches readers to speak up and say what they mean at work and at home. Written supportively, it uses proven cognitive behavioral techniques to help individuals build self-confidence, set boundaries, and determine appropriate responses.

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