Assertiveness

Intimidators control us by making us fear. They keep us from asking for anything or from controlling them in any way, by making us afraid to approach them. They do this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and perhaps even physical violence. They use our fear and self-doubt to control us.

For intimidators the others are always wrong and they have every “right” to punish them. They are simultaneously the police, judge, jury and execution squad.

Another benefit they gain from this role, is that they never have to look at themselves or change anything about themselves, as “they are perfect” and the others are all wrong.

4. They also, by making us fear us, seek to get want they want from us.

Some combine the role of the victim and the intimidator and thus get the double benefit being right for two reasons. The misconception here is that whoever is the victim is right and whoever is angry is right.

Thus, in order to cope with the intimidators in our lives, we will need to overcome our fear. This fear has its basis in childhood when a shouting parent was a real threat for many reasons. First of all, there might be punishment and thus emotional or physical pain. Secondly, all our security and survival were dependent on this person who was shouting and intimidating us. Thirdly, if this person was shouting in such a belittling way, this must mean that we are wrong, evil, a bad child, and thus not worthy of love and respect.
Now, even as full grown adults our subconscious reaction tends to be fear and self-doubt when someone shouts at, accuses or intimidates us. I have seen comic situations a small sized woman intimidate a man twice her size with her threats.

LEARNING TO BE FREE AND LOVING
WITH “INTIMIDATORS”

Some of the beliefs, which create our negative emotions, might be:

a. I am in danger, I could be hurt.
b. My survival is being threatened.
c. Something horrible could happen.
d. I am wrong, unworthy since whoever shouts must be right and whomever is being shouted at must be wrong.
e. I cannot protect myself from this person.
f. I am weak and unable to protect my needs and beliefs.
g. Better to give in and have peace than stand up for what I need or believe.
h. I am the victim in this situation.
I. I must protect myself from this person.

We need to get free from emotions which:

1. Cause us to fear and give power to the intimidators.
2. Cause us to lose our peace of mind and our love for them.

Here a list of some frequent emotions we have when dealing with persons playing the role of the intimidator and affirmations which will help us maintain our strengthen and love.

Note:
These lists are in no way complete. Be open to unlimited other possibilities and all their aspects.

1. Fear (threatened)

Even though until now I feared when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).
2. Self-doubt (unworthy, guilt, shame)

Even though until now I felt self-doubt when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

3. Injustice (hurt, pain, bitter)

Even though until now I felt injustice when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

4. Humiliation,(rejection, demeaned)

Even though until now I felt humiliation when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

5. Anger (rage, hate)

Even though until now I felt anger when (name of person)____ behaved intimidatingly, I now loving but assertively stand for what I believe (deserve, need).

A possible ideal way of interacting with an Intimidator

I would like to be able to overcome my fears and sit calmly until the other’s rage has subsided while I remember that I am not in danger and that he is unhappy. The more he shouts the more I will feel compassion for him because he seems even more unhappy. I will try to understand what he really needs in this moment. I will seek to understand what fear is causing him to react in this way so I can help him feel safe and secure with me.
When he has calmed down, I will explain that I have no intention of hurting him or making him unhappy. However, if I do not fulfill my needs, I will be unhappy and will harbor negative feelings towards him. I will suggest that we try again to discuss the subject and make a list of what each of us needs and discuss how we can both be happy in this situation.
I will also explain that I have no intention of giving in because he is shouting. I could however make numerous compromises out of love for him, if he would express what he needs from me.

Possible positive beliefs

a. I am safe in secure in every situation.
b. Nothing can ever happen to me, which is not exactly what I need for my spiritual growth.
c. This person is my teacher which life has placed before me.
d. He is unhappy and afraid, or else he would not be acting in this way.
e. Behind his angry and threatening appearance hides a fearful and hurt child.
f. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.

A possible I-message to an Intimidator

“I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens, I back down from confrontation with you. I retreat suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens, I lose my self-respect and feel injustice and then angry with you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.
“With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect.
“I have decided to try to overcome my fear and be more honest with you. I am going to try to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me.
“I would like to ask for your help with this effort.
“I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want together. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.
“How do you feel about this idea?”

People in relationships shouldn’t be the only ones enjoying a sexually fulfilling lifestyle. Everybody deserves to satisfy their sexual appetites on a more than occasional basis, assuming they are healthy and legal appetites.  For many single people, however, finding and maintaining sexual partners can be difficult. Those suffering from a lack of confidence or assertiveness may find themselves too often unable to attain what they truly want and desire.  Such feelings of shyness, inadequacy and intimidation are deeply rooted in the subconscious mind, and cannot simply be turned on and off with the conscious mind.  Such negative feelings and emotions are often the result of a lifetime of negative thoughts and experiences. In the end, you become your own worst enemy. Memory replacement is a therapeutic strategy to replace these past negative thoughts and experiences with ones more self-affirming and confidence building. 

The subconscious mind has often been compared to a computer hard drive. It accumulates and stores all the data that is inputted.  It is believed that everything you have every heard and experienced, both internally and externally, is stored in this infinite hard drive. As a result, the human mind is a lot like an iceberg. The conscious mind represents what is visible above the water, while the unconscious or subconscious mind represents the far larger mass below the surface.  When we suddenly feel shy or intimidated when approaching a member of the opposite sex, perhaps to inquire about a date, these feelings are surfacing from deep within us. At this point, no amount of self-talk will change these deep-rooted emotions. What we need to do is address the cause of these feelings, to fix the problem at the root.  Most often, these feelings are the accumulated result of negative experiences, experiences that can no longer be undone, but can still be replaced.

Though the conscious mind can usually distinguish between what is real and imagined, the subconscious mind does not have such a filter, and relies on the conscious mind to determine what is important and what should be inputted.  This means that both real and imagined experiences have left their mark on database of your deep, subconscious mind.  Let’s say a girl who you gave your phone number to never actually called you. Your conscious mind assumed that she must have deliberately not called because she wasn’t interested. Although this information may or may not have been true, it was entered into your subconscious mind. Even though she may not have phoned for other reasons, like perhaps she was shy or she just lost your number, you have already entered the harmful information into your database.  This information has then been added to all the other negative experiences, both real and perceived, that have helped shape you into the person you are today.  If you are serious about changing yourself at the core, to give yourself the confidence and assertiveness you need, you will have to create new experiences. In the end, the side with the most experiences wins.

Memory replacement therapy begins by recalling all the negative experiences you can.  Then, one by one, instead of simply remembering what happened, or what you thought had happened, you creatively replace the memory with one more positive and beneficial.  It is most important to pinpoint the memories most crucial to your existing predicament, and replace the ending with a memory that coincides with the result you wish to achieve.  For example, think of a time when you failed to assert yourself in a critical situation.  Now imagine yourself instead asserting yourself, and attaining the result you had wanted at the time.  Imagine asking out the prettiest girl in your grade 12 class, and then imagine she said yes. Remember, your subconscious mind does not know if what you’re inputting is real or not. As far as it is concerned, the event actually happened.  The more positive and self-affirming memories you create, the more confident and assertive you will become. You are literally fixing the problem from the inside out, one memory at a time. 

The fact is, most past experiences can never be effectively changed or resolved.  You can hunt down a girl who turned you down in high school and ask her out again, but there is a chance she may say no a second time. What would that do to your self-esteem?  Such negative memories cannot be fixed; they can only be replaced. The best situation is to replace these experiences with new and real ones.  When this is not possible, imagined experiences are the next best thing.  The nice thing is, as you recreate all these memories, you will be simultaneously building up your inner confidence and self-esteem to effectively create new experiences.  You can finally approach that hunky guy and ask him out, or you can finally assert yourself and get your way with your family, friends and colleagues.  Most importantly, you can have the confidence and assertiveness to make sure you get what you want, and enjoy the most fulfilling sex life imaginable.  You can begin to view every attractive person you meet as a possible partner, and you can have the courage and charisma to seal the deal. The truth is, if your not getting exactly what you want, you probably have only yourself to blame. 

You think you know what you want. But how do you get it? And do you really want it?
I felt fed up. So, I went to the airport. “Please sell me a ticket to somewhere lovely,” I asked. Yes sir, where specifically? “Oh, somewhere that I’ll feel great and at ease with myself!” Yes, but I need to know where, specifically! “Uh, yeah, look, just sell me ticket to somewhere great, OK?” Well, take this ticket. I’ve always wanted to go there! “Thanks!”
I ended up touring roller coasters throughout the world. The seller’s idea of a dream holiday, but not mine! You see, if you don’t know precisely what you want, and have goals that match your values, you won’t get what you want!
A study of Yale University graduates from 1953-1973 found that the 3% that had written goals achieved more in 20 years than the combined efforts of the other 97%. In other words, they achieved well over 30 times greater success! Successful people — from Donald Trump to Anthony Robbins — know their goals and personal values precisely.
Follow these simple steps to create written goals and start the journey to your dream life.
Figure out your desires
Take a fresh piece of paper and a sit in a quiet room. List everything you want in life. List:
What you want to have or own (e.g. a red Ferrari, a leather sofa, new shoes)
What you want to do (e.g. go on a hot-air balloon ride, lose weight, learn a new language)
How you want to feel (e.g. confident, tolerant, peaceful)
Go crazy! Let yourself go! Don’t worry about making your goals “realistic” — that comes later.
You may find it helps to think of the following areas of your life.
Money & finances
Health & fitness
Fun & adventure
Career & work
Friends & family
Physical environment
Romance & relationships
Personal & spiritual growth
Check the ethics
Now, for each goal, ask yourself, “How many of areas of my life will it improve?” Subtract one for each area it will seriously damage. For example, a new Ferrari might improve Fun & adventure and Physical environment, but will seriously damage Money & finances, so it scores only 1. (If your partner would leave you over this, subtract another one for Romance & relationships!)
Look at your scores. Goals with higher scores provide more value to your life. Goals with lower scores distract you from finding happiness! How many surprises did you have? Did you have any negative scores?
Act!
Choose your three most important goals. Word them positively; as precisely as possible; and in the present as if you’ve already achieved them. For example, instead of, “I want to lose 2 stone,” write, “I fit size 12 jeans.” Instead of, “I don’t want to be shy,” write, “I smile warmly and show genuine interest when meeting new people.”
Now, for each goal, write down one thing that you can do this week to move towards that goal. Write them down on paper. Stick them on your bathroom mirror, inside your purse or wallet, and so on.
Revise your goals every week (some goals will change. Let it happen). You will get “somewhere nice” sooner than you think!
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.— Albert Einstein.

Have you ever really wanted to say no to someone? Perhaps a friend asked you to do something for them, and you just didn’t have time, or had to put something important on the back burner in order to be able to do it. Maybe you wanted to say no to your spouse. A lot of people find themselves in this situation, and while they really want to say no, they don’t.
One reason is the fear that someone will no longer like you, or will think you’re rude, snobby, etc. However, learning how to say no is something we all must do. We simply can’t accommodate everyone all the time. We also must worry about our own needs and desires.
Being assertive is being able to say no in a way that is clear and understandable, while at the same time still caring about the other person’s feelings. It is also being able to communicate and express your desires, wishes and feelings about any area of your life. A person who is a healthy, assertive person is able to do these things without concern that the other person will no longer like them.
A healthy, assertive person is also able to say no, or communicate desires and wishes without feeling self-conscious or guilty for doing it. For example, if your boss continues to place someone else’s work on your desk, day in and day out because the other person is slacking off, you should be able to tell him that you won’t do it.
This doesn’t mean that you want to get angry with your boss, or give him a piece of your mind. You probably do, but being assertive is different from telling someone off. You might say something to him like, “I just can’t take extra work today. I’m very busy with my own work. You will need to find someone else, or perhaps try and get my co-worker to finish up his own work.” Plain and simple. That’s all you had to say, and it didn’t sound rude or disrespectful. You clearly stated that you were not going to take extra work, and you didn’t apologize or act guilty.
When people clearly state their needs and desires in a way that is not rude, or unfriendly, others will understand. Unless they are unreasonable individuals, most people respect and appreciate the fact that you are honest with them, even if your answer is no. A lot of people stay frustrated all the time, because they are unable to communicate their desires and feelings. Marriages end from this reason all the time.
A wife who is tired, who works all day and then comes home to clean the home and do the laundry and all of the other house hold chores will probably be very frustrated if she doesn’t clearly communicate her need for help in that area. This anger and frustration will build and build until there is the potential for a blow up. Think of the poor husband. His wife is going to be morphing into the Hulk right in front of him and he has absolutely no idea why. She should have communicated these things. All she ever had to say was, “Honey, I feel like I could really use some help around the house. Would you mind taking on some of the chores?”
Being assertive is very different from being aggressive. You don’t want to attack the other person. Simply state your needs and desires in a friendly way. You should use assertion when you feel the need to communicate things with another individual. If you are being asked to do something that you just can’t do comfortably, this is the time to be assertive.
You want to look the other person in the eye, keep your facial features relaxed, and state your desires and needs. You don’t have to be rude or mean to another person in order to convey your feelings about something to them. You simply have to be assertive, and have the confidence to follow through with your statement without feeling guilty or low. If more people exercised their right to be assertive, there would be less confusion, and less friction or problems that arise from no communication.

Do you find it hard to put your foot down? Are you unable to voice your opinion? Do you feel your loved ones and friends sometimes treat you like a doormat? Is it difficult for you to say “NO”? Do you often find yourself going out of your way to oblige people, even when you don’t want to? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you are not being assertive enough. The problem is many people simply do not see “being assertive” as a positive trait. In fact being assertive is often confused with being aggressive. The truth is that aggression is a negative emotion which has its roots in anger, while being assertive is a positive emotion rooted in self-respect and self love. Why should you be assertive? Ask yourself do you feel happy with always letting others have their way with you? Do you never feel resentful? Do you feel loved and appreciated? Don’t you get irritated with yourself for not being able to say “NO” when you really want to? A person who’s not assertive may seem calm on the surface but has a simmering resentment brewing within him/her. There’s a hidden anger against oneself and others. Unassertive behavior is not only hazardous for an individual’s own health but also for his/her relationships. Being assertive can make your life and relationships far more fulfilling. You’ll be able to speak your mind without waiting for others to read it. You will feel loved and appreciated and not used by others. You will be able to say “NO” when you want to, without feeling guilty about it. Being assertive will teach you to how to love yourself and be more loving towards others. How to be more assertive? Take conscious steps to be more assertive If you’ve always been an unassertive person, you may have difficulty in figuring out the difference between assertion and aggression. You may not be able to understand which situations call for assertiveness. Therefore you will initially need to make conscious attempts to be assertive. You can ask yourself the following questions whenever you are confronted with a difficult situation “Am I being unfair to myself?” “Will saying yes make me feel angry, deflated or upset?” “Is this person’s behavior hurting me?” If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, you know the situation calls for assertiveness. Positive Affirmations You can’t change your attitude and natural reactions in a day. Your instinctive reactions depend on your beliefs and your beliefs are shaped by your experiences and cognitive conditioning. So if you have always been told that caring for others’ needs and wants is more important than what you want then that’s what you’ll end up believing. Since cognitive conditioning is only a set of patterned ideas and messages which are thrown at us repeatedly, it is possible to de-condition ourselves and learn new ideas and beliefs. Positive affirmations can be of help here. Make up your own affirmations or repeat the following in front of a mirror everyday: “I love and accept myself the way I am” “I have the right to express my feelings” “It’s easy for me to speak up for myself” “I have the right not to take responsibility for others people’s actions and problems” “It’s safe for me to say “NO” when I want to” Repeat these affirmations as often as you can or follow a week by week program, in which you can focus on one affirmation per week. You can also write these affirmations down on a piece of paper and repeat them as often as you can. Being assertive is not a selfish act but an act of self-love. Once you start being assertive you’ll notice a change in your personality and relationships. When you start expressing yourself openly, you start sharing your true self with your loved ones. Want to learn more? Have a comment or situation you’d like to start? Continue your self-help coaching journey at Boomer Yearbook.www.boomeryearbook.com is a social networking site connecting the Baby Boomer generation. Share your thoughts, rediscover old friends, or expand your mind with brain games provided by clinical psychologist Dr. Karen Turner. Join today to discover the many ways we are helping Boomers connect for fun and profit.

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